Saturday morning musings

Trigger warning: self-harm

The heat does weird things to me… My mind and thoughts work even weirder than they already do.

While having a cup of coffee, I saw my self-harm scars for the first time in a while. I mean, I see them all the time, but I saw them.

I am an eccentric person, there is no use denying that. Even when I self-harm(ed). Every scar is a reminder. It is a mark of this or that happening. There is the scar that reminds me of that weekend in October. There is the scar that reminds me of the pain when Jamie passed away. There are the scars that remind me of my twin flame. The scar for Paulo and the scars that remind me of my teenage years and the pain I couldn’t deal with. There is the scar from my lowest moment ever. There is the scar that my grandma mocked “if you want to kill yourself, you need to cut your wrist and not your arm. But you are too stupid for that too”. There are the scars from being overwhelmed with life.

Every mark on my arms has a reason to be there.

I am under the impression that they are more visible right now, maybe because I’ve got a tan, or they are swollen from the heat, I don’t know…

What I do know is that I am not ashamed or embarrassed by them. I am not hiding them. The scars on my skin are telling my story. Silent, without screaming and without being flashy.

I believe that I am a person with many layers to peel away, but I am very picky who gets to see and peel those layers away. It’s hard for me to trust and be open with people, but once I am, I am 100% me. And it’s not easy to handle me… I am Very aware of that.

Anyway… These were my weird thoughts over a cup of coffee this morning. 😘

I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses