musing

If we don’t do anything for a long time, we become comfortable in our immobility and lose hope. We need to move, to change, to adapt to new situations. We are humans, we know how to do it. Giving up should not be an option.

Just a moment of solitude

The less we are alone, the lonelier we feel. Every fake smile makes us break – just a little bit at first. And then some more. Until we crumble to dust and hide in the forgotten cracks of our being; bleeding on our mind’s carpet floors. We are drowning slowly in the invisible wounds on our soul, unable to hear our thoughts over the voices of those who don’t know and those who will never understand. Too much, too loud. We need a moment to exist – on our own.

Song of the night

Johannes Oerding – anfassen

From the album called “Konturen”. (2019, Columbia Records)

The lyrics to this song are very touching and valid.

German original:

Wir wissen alles überall
Doch viel zu wenig über uns
Und dieses Bisschen wird dann noch geteilt
Was einmal echt war, ist jetzt kalt
Heute künstlich, früher Kunst
Weil Grenzen nicht bemerkt, geht oft zu weit

Wir haben tausende von Freunden
Doch Haben sie jedoch noch nie geseh’n
Viel zu grell blendet der bunte Schein
Wir haben tausende von Träumen
Doch verlieren das echte Leben
Es zerfällt zu Staub aus Nullen und Einsen

Ich brauche was zum Anfassen
Dann kann ich wieder loslassen
Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen
Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben
Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer
Wenn überall über alles geht
Ist der Moment nichts mehr wert

Falsche Richtung Schritt für Schritt
Bis die nächste Welle bricht
Keine Zeit um noch mal Luft zu holen
Wir entfernen uns Klick für Klick
Von dem was eigentlich wirklich ist
Schwimmen wir gegen oder mit dem Strom

Wir haben tausende von Träumen
Doch verlieren das echte Leben
Wir verlaufen uns im Smog und Nebel

Ich brauche was zum Anfassen
Dann kann ich wieder loslassen
Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen
Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben
Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer
Wenn überall über alles geht
Ist der Moment nichts mehr wert

Und wie oft habe ich schon gedacht
Wie oft haben wir uns verpasst
Weil unsere Welt zu laut blinkt
Man kann viel klarer hören und sehen
Viel besser fühlen und verstehen
Komm lass mal wieder ein Bisschen reden
Und die Köpfe wieder hochnehmen

Ich brauche was zum Anfassen
Dann kann ich wieder loslassen
Ich will mich nicht mehr anpassen
Ich will mein Leben wieder selbst in meiner Hand haben
Wenn wir ertrinken mehr und mehr, in diesem kalten, lichter Meer
Wenn überall über alles geht
Ist der Moment nichts mehr were

English translation:

We know everything everywhere
But far too little about us
And that little bit is then shared
What was once real is now cold
Artificial today, art in the past
Because limits are not noticed, often goes too far

We have thousands of friends
But have never seen them before
The colorful glow is far too bright
We have thousands of dreams
Yet lose real life
It disintegrates into dust of zeros and ones

I need something to touch
Then I can let go again
I don’t want to adjust anymore
I want to have my life in my own hands again
If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea
When everything goes above and beyond
The moment is no longer worth anything

Wrong direction step by step
Until the next wave breaks
No time to breathe again
We move away click by click
Of what actually is
Let’s swim against or with the current

We have thousands of dreams
Yet lose real life
We get lost in smog and fog

I need something to touch
Then I can let go again
I don’t want to adjust anymore
I want to have my life in my own hands again
If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea
When everything goes above and beyond
The moment is no longer worth anything

And how often have I thought
How many times have we missed each other
Because our world is blinking too loud
You can hear and see much more clearly
Feel and understand much better
Come on, let’s talk a little more
And put your heads up again

I need something to touch
Then I can let go again
I don’t want to adjust anymore
I want to have my life in my own hands again
If we drown more and more, in this cold, clear sea
When everything goes above and beyond
The moment is no longer worth anything

This is google translate but I was not calm and focussed enough tonight to give a proper translation.

Change is coming, but as of this moment, I am not allowed to share more information.

But the books… The support is overwhelming; the sales not impressive at all. But… I’ll keep on keeping on. There are fire and passion in me, and everything will be okay. There was another anxiety attack today, after some calm and quiet weeks.

In other news… I celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary last Monday. I am longing for a lot of love, but the truth is, over 20 years ago I met my best friend and married him. Maybe we are not the most conservative and regular couple, but we love each other. Phew…

Love me.

3 affirmations

I noticed that these three positive things of a day are quite intimate and private. I shared yesterdays post on IG too, and I think I will refrain from doing so. I am using IG far too much anyway these days. So, I’ll leave them here in our little corner.

The goal is to create a new routine. I want to be more mindful and positive about myself. I have compassion and empathy for everyone but myself. I need to stop sabotaging myself, and hopefully, this exercise helps.

Why do I feel the need to share online anyway? Simple. To do it at all. It is too easy for me to give these things up. And let it slip, dismissing it as being unimportant. And for the others, it is unimportant, but not for me. And so, to get things done, I will share them daily for now. Hopefully. Feel free to remind me of posting.

xx

Friday Afternoon Musings

I believe that things happen for a reason and that people are in our life for a reason too. I thought about this a lot recently. Why do friendships fade out, and why do new people enter slowly, and suddenly, you realise you are in touch daily? Why do lovers need to leave, and why do they come back on occasion too? Why was that perfect job given to someone else? We will never know. And overanalysing doesn’t help us to move on.

I used to write a lot. And when I say that, I mean that I wrote novels (60k words and more each) back to back between 2012 and 2016—18 full stories, and countless ideas that never made it past chapter 5. In 2017, I didn’t write all that much. I stuck with poetry and short stories, and I kept writing one or more poems daily until early 2020. I find it hard to write this year. As if the words are not there, or the emotions that fueled those words. And I can’t blame it on the pandemic. It is the change inside of me. Am I growing up?

All this reflection came after listening to an episode of the Podcast “What Do You Say?”. I mentioned it a couple of days ago, and this episode with Noah Kagan had some highlights for me. Fodder for thought, as they say.

What Do You Say?

Up until 2016, I was a housewife and stay-at-home mom. I had three small kids, a house, and a husband. And lots of time. I had routines and was able to set aside time to sit down and write. I was inspired to write, and the inspiration came from nowhere really. My life was so small, and I was living in a tiny bubble with almost no social life whatsoever. There weren’t many distractions. I dove head-first into my love for music and live concerts and discovered that I had some talent for writing good fiction. No, by far, not everything is worth reading, but I am proud of my writing voice.

We grow all the time, and life changes all the time. We adapt without really noticing. In 2016, I found a job at a nursery. I didn’t stay at that nursery but switched a couple of months later – and that’s where I am still today. I love my job. It’s not only an occupation, but it is also like a calling. And once in a while, I am fed up with the team or with my boss or with the decisions of our minister in charge of education, but ultimately, I love what I am doing.

If I had a choice, though, I would make writing my top priority. I was wondering if I could set aside time again, to make new routines and maybe set daily word count goals. But my schedule at work is inconsistent. Sometimes, I need to get up at 5.30am, other times I can lie in. And I love to sleep in. Sometimes I am done at noon, other times it is 7pm before I am home. It is exhausting. And then the chores are waiting and the kids deserve their time too.

How are those different thoughts linked? I have been chatting a bit with Gavin Simpson – Sourfish. And I listen to his weekly podcast, which was insightful and inspiring this week. Truth be told, we were following each other for years on Twitter and IG, but we were never in touch until last May (?). His enthusiasm and passion are contagious, I am learning a lot. And as I mentioned before, this episode 006 of his podcast was what I needed to hear.

Things happen for a reason. People are in our life for a reason. Life is a string of lessons, and we never stop growing and learning. Maybe I am at a time in my life where I want to take over more control again. I want to stop lamenting. And be happy. There is light inside of me. Somewhere.

I had a hard childhood and youth. But as much as I believe it shaped me into the woman I am today, I cannot allow it to keep me hostage. I cannot change the past, and I am tired of using it as an excuse. And I do—all the time. I want to stop that behaviour. It is the right moment to change for the better. I don’t want to be this version of myself anymore.

On top of all this, I still have my shoulder to deal with, and I decided that I will have a second opinion about it because I am in a lot of pain again. (I was diagnosed with bursitis in February and had a Cortisone shot that didn’t help at all.) There will most probably be surgery. And to be honest, I am scared. I was never at a hospital (apart from having my babies), I never had surgery, not even stitches. I never had to be treated at an ER. I am all original Cathy. I know the pain I am in now. It is familiar. The pain after surgery is unknown. But again, I want to face that fear. Maybe.

Furthermore, I don’t want to use the word “try” as much anymore. Either I do, or I don’t.

My mind is philosophical right now.

Everything happens for a reason—no need for any regrets.

And… if you like Podcasts and aren’t afraid of a Scottish accent, then, by all means, listen to the link I shared above and then go back and listen to the other episodes too. What do you say?

Memory lane

Today, I saw that an old post from November 2017 was read a couple of times – today. I am not one who looks at the stats all day long, but I noticed this because it is a special post to me. (That said, I usually take a moment in June to reflect on the first half of the year on the blog… Expect a post about that soon)

I remember that particular post from November very well. I remember exactly when I wrote it and why. I know what happened before and what happened after.

https://wp.me/p2ZT5k-392

It’s quite painful to read all of these words again. They were at the beginning of a dark and depressive phase in my life and I am not completely out of the woods yet. I have been fighting and struggling for three years.

Recently, I discovered that I am actually a mediocre writer at best. I keep repeating the same words and phrases; I keep replaying the same scenes and moments. And my writing became dull. Unimportant. Irrelevant.

There are many many amazing writers out there. There are musicians who write lyrics so powerful that they make the listener tear up.

I am not one of them. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

I am sorry.

I lost my most important muse and stopped listening to the music that makes me feel. It is as if I am overwhelmed all the time, yet numb too. It is as if I am censoring myself and hiding behind the mask of the person I am expected to be.

I am exhausted. I haven’t slept properly in four days. And I can’t do it anymore.

about yesterday

So… yesterday was a streaky day. Waves of emotions flooded my mind. And there was an underlying anxiety for most parts of the day. My heart raced for no reason. Similar to being in love, but with a more negative mindset. My eyes were burning with tears that had no reason to be shed, and they didn’t come. I don’t know where this is coming from. But it has been there for a couple of days now, and it makes me nervous. I am not anxious about the COVID-19 situation or the lockdown; I don’t have to fear for my job or my health. Money is tight, as always, but it is not an issue either. But yes, I am restless. Something is not quite right.

At the same time, I also feel happy and elated, in a good mood. And it is contradictory. These feelings and emotions are contradictory. They make me unsure. They are also a reason why I posted about me reorganising my CD collection twice yesterday. I did not expect to have so many views and even likes as these two posts collected. I just needed an outlet for these feelings I can’t shake or place.

Maybe, choosing this task of clearing and cleaning out the shelves was a substitute for clearing and cleaning my mind? I was solely focussed on the paper and jewel cases in my hands and where to put them. It gave these few hours of the day a purpose, and I forgot to think about the racing heart and the butterflies in my stomach.

I have troubles sleeping these last days, I guess that too is part of this weird phase I am in, and it doesn’t make it better.

Dreams I don’t recognise. Voices I never heard.

So, yes, I apologise for two unnecessary posts yesterday, and I thank you for your support, I did not expect that.

There is no need to worry about me; I just want to add that. Because honestly, I am well. Most times.

EXcnmnhXQAAbHM9

I took this picture last night before I went to sleep. The moon shone bright; it was beautiful. There are no filters on this picture; it is the way I took it. All my photographs are taken with my mobile phone. (moto g6) If you want to see more of my pictures, I have an Instagram account: https://www.instagram.com/micqu_1/ Take a look and let me know what you think.

Lots of love to you,

xx

Cathy

a momentary lapse of reason

My heart is racing, but not in a good way. It’s the closest thing to anxiety. Tears are welling up in my eyes, and my throat is constricted. I breathe in, heavily, but there is not enough air to soothe my burning lungs, nor to slow my beating heart. Your lust pulls me apart at my seams, I will never be who I was. A violent surge of need shakes my core. If only you were real, if only you were not the fantasy of a poet’s mind. If only my written words could be a reality. If only…

But now, I am sitting here, imagining how it would be to be in love. To be loved in return. To be wanted and needed, and respected. And the pain, it grows in me. Every day, I get up and do what I have to do. Routines I don’t like anymore, with people who I once loved. If you were there, to care and understand, it would be easier, but you only exist in the pages of my journal. My mind runs many miles every day, to escape my self, my reality. Do I have a cold heart? Am I freezing? Can I even feel what I am longing to feel? Hunting ghosts and chasing phantom pains.

Heart still racing (or again?), I am thinking of you – my fantasy man. Your breath against my skin. Your lust filling my senses. I am brainwashed into loving you – loving someone who does not exist. Brainwashed into following your orders – orders I want to hear from my lover. But it feels so good, and I can’t resist these forbidden fantasies. Every release starts and ends with you on my mind – being almost perfect in fulfilling each other’s desires. I need someone who takes care of me and who loves me. Someone who understands me. Someone who cherishes me. But do I have it in me to accept such devotion? The intensity of one soul seeping into mine? I have never known and never experienced anything like this and it scares me. I am vulnerable and fragile. Not because my heart was broken too many times, but because I broke it myself too many times. Want, need, greed, expectations… it breaks the heart too. Or maybe, I left too many pieces of my heart in the hands of people who didn’t want it?

The anxiety comes and goes in waves today. It is as if someone is thinking of me and my heart races towards them, and when their thought is forgotten, my heartbeat slows. Is there such a connection of souls? I believe there is.
I am full of overwhelming need today, and there is no one who can begin to catch my falling mind. And I can’t outrun myself. Every touch is too much and not enough. Not enough.

*****

Pink Floyd – sorrow

This song appeared on the album “A Momentary Lapse of Reason” (1987, EMI)

Rockhal Challenge – Day 12

Day 12: a song from your childhood.

I grew up in a house of adults—grand-parents, two uncles, one aunt, my mom, my sister, and me. For me, they were all old, of course, but they were all really rather young. My first memories go back to 1987. I was four years old. My uncles were 25 and 22 years old. (My mom was 27). They listened to a lot of music. Pink Floyd, Queen, Dire Straits, Blondie, those are only a few artists I remember from my childhood. A song that stood out was this one:

Dire Straits – Brothers in Arms

From the album with the same name “Brothers in Arms” (1985, Air Records), I remember the blue album sleeve with the steel guitar and how it stood next to the television. I remember my uncles and my mom sitting in the living room, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, and listening to their records. I can’t say with certainty that the image of them sitting, smoking, and drinking is the same as the memory of the album cover next to the television, though.

Years later, vinyl was replaced by CDs, and one of my uncles had moved out. The older one liked drinking a lot. And when he did, he became reminiscent of the old times. He held discourses about how old music was the only real music. He would drunkenly mumble lyrics and move his hands in a particular manner. He wasn’t dancing, just his hands were. I don’t know what happened and why he took up drinking. I am not in touch with him even though we lived together until I moved out in 2004. It is what it is.

I don’t have many good memories of my childhood. I don’t feel a connection with my family, but it has to be said; every member of my family liked music in a way. And that is something that shaped me from an early age on. As a kid, I was not aware that other children didn’t listen to music; as a teenager, I couldn’t relate to girls shopping for clothes instead of music. And still today, I soak up insignificant information about musicians and music that is really rather useless. And yet, it means something to me. And if given the opportunity, I will ramble on and on about it.

Both of my self-imposed challenges will end soon— four more post in the A to Z writing challenge, and only two more songs in this Song of the Day challenge. Tomorrow’s song will be the hardest to pick. I have been thinking about it for a while, and I can’t come up with a song that describes me. Do you have any suggestions? Which song would you choose to describe me?

Have a great weekend.

xx