For a month or so, I am on Sertraline. It’s a drug to treat depression and anxiety. Tonight I noticed that I need a good cry, but I can’t. I can’t cry and I am overthinking, but hell… I am not used to this. I am numb and not. And overwhelmed but not enough. But also, I am honest enough to tell people to fuck them selves… I am tired of pretending. I need some love and care. I need to be taken care of…

But fuck… I keep making sure that everyone is okay, that my best friend is able to make it to therapy and back, that he had enough money for food and drugs… And where does it leave me? It doesn’t matter, because he does not care. And I understand why he cannot care, it is part of his condition. But you know what? I want to be able to fall sometimes too. I am never allowed to fall. And if I do, I am not caught.

I have never been caught. And fucking hell, just for once I would like someone to pet my hair and say “it’s okay to fall apart”. But it will never happen.

Instead I will be married tomorrow for 15 years to a man who is awesome, but he does not give a fuck… Then again, it’s my own fault… He does not know what I need. We’ve been together for 22 years, and he does not know me, because I keep holding back. Either I am manic or depressed, there is nothing in between. And I am Soo tired. So tired.

Goodnight

Stimming

Stimming is a repetitive self-stimulating behaviour with movements or sounds.

Okay, so… I have been stimming since I can think and never questioned it, really. It was just part of me. It is part of me. For me, it means that I cannot sit still. Never. And that I am often playing with my fingers or touching myself. (Feeling myself… Is there a way to say this without innuendo? 😊) I am constantly chewing gum… Those things calm me and help me focus.

The worst or the most uncontrollable time I was stimming was in October 2020. The people I met, I owe them an apology for my weirdness, but at the same time, I know that they understand ADHD. I was playing with my fingers the entire time, worse than usual.

No one ever stopped me from doing my thing. And I am grateful for that, because it never made me feel bad about myself.

But, yes upon meeting me, my stimming (which are not tics) might seem odd. It is just another part of me.

This week, I began browsing my extensive DVD collection with my youngest daughter. She is a lot like me, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking… Yesterday we watched A Few Good Men, tonight we watched Don Juan DeMarco and tomorrow we will watch something with Christian Slater (my favourite actor). I was thinking Interview with a Vampire, or Kuffs, or Gleaming the Cube… We’ll see about that tomorrow.

There are many movies of different genres in my collection and it feels a bit nice to revisit it.

One of my quirks (undiagnosed autism, I am sure) is that I know many details about movies, actors, musicians… Not because I am particularly interested, but I hear or read a fact and never forget about it. Many people in my family or friends make fun of this: want to know about an actor? Ask Cathy. Want to know where this song was played? Ask Cathy. And it is okay, I like sharing the trivia, but sometimes, it also feels like a burden, as if I would burst if I didn’t share this or that… Either way… It is why Amalia got into films and music, and she is still a bit surprised when she listens to whatever song and I can tell her about the artist or say that I have this or that album in my collection.

I mention Amalia most often. I am not sure if we have the closest bond or if she is more present. Giulia is an amazing young woman too, but she judges more and likes to correct me or she does not believe me when I state facts. It’s a subjective feeling, surely, but she does not take me seriously and our bond is not as tight. Although, she has a wicked sense of humour and that’s something we share. As for Olivier, my oldest, what can I say about him? We just have to look at each other and we know what the other thinks. We can have serious conversations but we can also be silly together and I make sure that he knows how much I love him.

My kids are amazing. And I am blessed to be a young mom. I would do everything, anything for them. but I am also very honest and never hide when I am not too well. They deserve their mom to be authentic. Even when I am in a manic phase like tonight when I laughed and rambled and was silly. I am a bit scared that they will suddenly realise how screwed up their mom really is, but then again, they already know about self-harm and I also explained to them that there are better ways to cope with frustrations…

*sigh*

This Wednesday, I will be married 15 years. (we’ve been a couple for 22 years). Nothing about us is ordinary, even if it looks like it from the outside.

All this to say… I will watch many films in the next weeks. Happy Monday.

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As I walk through my soul’s valley, I am attracted by the dark shadows, but the kiss of healing light guides me on my path

Bambi eyes… That’s what someone said… But it’s just me…

Today is the day that I left my office for the last time ever and tomorrow I have to turn in my laptop and my phone (the ones I received from my employer)

It feels so weird. For the first time since 2017, I am without a signed contract for a new job and I am worried that it might fall through. at the same time, I know that I am very skilled and that everyone could be lucky to have me. The trouble is: I was approached by a former boss, took the offered job,sent in all my paperwork and now I have not heard anything in a while… It makes me unsure… What if they decided against me after all!

I won’t go there…

I don’t take many selfies anymore… I look fat or bloated in most of them, but this is a milestone, and I had to take a pic. I look tired. Others would say I am wearing bedroom eyes… It’s just me, without plan or agenda… And these eyes have been in my face forever… It’s not my fault people keep noticing them…

Urhh… So many insecurities right now, but I bet, everything will be okay.

drunken thoughts

Truth be told, since the beginning of August, I did not have a drop of alcohol, but tonight, I just enjoyed myself.

I was/am all alone and indulged.

So what happened?

Nothing

Tomorrow will be my last day at my current job. I haven’t signed a new contract and I am afraid that the new offer will fall through, but let’s stay positive.

Since I started that job, I didn’t write much, you may have noticed.

But things happened. I was triggered by the job and I actually quite liked it, but ad I say, it was triggering and it made my mental health even worse. I talked about it with my doc who monitors my thyroid and my heart and she prescribed some meds. I have been taking them rigorously every evening at 5h30. And let me tell you, I am tired, exhausted, but less overthinking too. I have been smoking too much and eating not enough and it shows in my latest blood tests.

I had the results today. I am not hungry, to stressed to eat and I only eat once a day right now. Which is not good. But let’s face it, I am fat, even if I lost 10kg in recent weeks. Since I am not hungry, I don’t feel the need to eat. But I am drinking lots of water. And I am spending a lot of time outside because of the job. I worked up a nice tan.

Next thought: my necklace broke. not the necklace (thank all, it was an inheritance from my mother-in-law) but the pendant. It was a Hindu mantra that one could spin. It was supposed to ease anxiety and it did. The simple gesture of making it spin was… Yeah, it worked and I was not able to find a replacement yet.

But, I bought myself a ring, that is spinning too. It is my gift to myself, because I did what felt right. And it felt right to take the new job at the old place. A former boss got in touch and offered two positions, I gladly took one of them. So, I offered myself a piece of jewely for moving backwards.

I am watching Splash on Disney+ with Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah. The movie is from my birthyear: 1983. I like 80s films and music. A lot.

And, I really think about singing again, practicing it and recording it… I am not sure if I am good enough, probably not. But gosh, I love singing. It would be great.

I finished watching White Collar tonight. A show with Matt Boomer and Willie Garson (who steals every scene he is in). I started watching it when I was on sick leave for my shoulder in 2021 and I watched it again now. I like that show, I have to say. I also love the Mentalist…. Yeah, that’s my kind of show… But I also love Dharma and Greg and Brothers and Sisters.

As for music, I was not open for new music recently. Too busy, not enough routine in my life to dive into all the new and old talent.

So… Tomorrow is my last day at work until mid-september. We’ll see what happens during those 4 weeks.

All these thoughts don’t seem to belong together, but for me, they somehow do.

And now… Music and more wine…

I’ll finish my wine and watch more films with you Tom Hanks… Such an attractive man; then and now too.

Describe your personality

I’ve been spending my past week writing assessments for work. I need to write reports to determine if one parent is allowed to see their kids without being supervised. That’s actually my current job: supervising parents who have been sentenced to be supervised to see their kids by a judge, for whatever reason. After three months, I am required to write a report about my observations.

But, that’s not all.

I was also asked to write 1500 words to describe and assess the personality of a friend. Cold-hearted honesty. Of course I accepted the challenge, and wrote the 1500 words in under 15 minutes. And apart from 3 statements, I got it right. (Or so they said)

It got me thinking. I am not sure I could handle such an assessment about myself, but I would want to read it, for sure. But there is a huge issue with this. I don’t share much about myself or not enough so that someone could get a complete picture of me. That’s what I am told.

We have an idea who we are and how we want others to see us. We want to be validated and liked for who we are. Loved even? But what if we never show who we are because we are afraid. Scared. To be different. To be unworthy.

What if there is someone who loves us just the way we are, because we are the way we are?

I am overthinking, of course I am.

Who am I?

Describe my personality, if you can.

β€οΈπŸ’œπŸ–€πŸ€πŸ€ŽπŸ’™πŸ’›πŸ§‘πŸ’š

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger, it has been a while since I wrote you a letter and it took me a while to decide about this one. A lot has happened in the last year and for almost an entire year, we messaged and called daily.

Your last message came a couple of days ago, you were poorly that day; “rough” you called it. And then you vanished and I have no way of getting in touch. But I am worried. So very worried. Because I know how much you were suffering lately. The silence scares me. At the same time, I hope that the relationship we developed is stronger than life. Stronger than silence.

Me without you seems wrong, but I guess it’s only because I came to be dependent of your daily input. I got used to it, but I never took it for granted. Never. Not once. I was always aware that this could end swiftly. After all, before we were friends, we were a fantasy for many years. Yeah, sounds weird, but it is what it is.

You sent me a sad song that you had written last week and I adore it, love it… But I never saved it. Now it is lost just like you. But maybe one day, I will hear the song again, and I will remember that I heard it first, before anyone else did. That’s a nice feeling.

Something of you will always stay with me. Something of me will always stay with you.

I know you will never forget me and I will not forget you either. We played too big a part in each other’s lives for a moment.

And I need to remind myself: people step into our lives when we need them, not when we want them… And it makes a lot of sense right now.

Stranger, babe, just be well. Heal and don’t be afraid to reach out.

Yours forever and ever,

Sweetie

truths and lies

I just want to try something new that came to me (like every blog entry I Post) moments ago. If it feels bad tomorrow, I will delete it. But for now, I will try this.

I will share a list of things about me. But not everything is true. Some of it is a lie, an embellishment of the truth or a fantasy I wish to happen. You can pick out any fact and ask questions about it. I will answer truthfully.

Avis aux amateurs… as the French say. (Enthusiasts, take note)

  1. I am 39 years old
  2. I am often mistaken for someone younger
  3. I have 3 kids and am a proud mom
  4. I am married
  5. I have a boyfriend
  6. My favourite colours are purple and black
  7. I love all kinds of music
  8. I am a published author
  9. My books are read all around the world
  10. I don’t work a day job
  11. It takes days to finish a poem
  12. I never drink alcohol
  13. I never smoked
  14. I never took any drugs in my life
  15. I had my first surgery at 38
  16. I had my first kiss at 12
  17. I am not interested in the world
  18. I don’t step out of my comfort zone
  19. I visited strangers for a weekend of sex drugs and rock ‘n roll
  20. I don’t care much about how others judge my sexuality
  21. I am filled with insecurities
  22. I am diagnosed with ADHD
  23. I am happy at work
  24. I consider myself to be a very girly girl
  25. I am outgoing
  26. I don’t read my horoscopes
  27. Dreams are not real
  28. I have a best friend
  29. I look at the clock every night at 08:02
  30. My roots run deep
  31. I really don’t like music at all and hate supporting the artists I like

Couple of truths, couples of lies…

πŸ’œβ€οΈπŸ’šπŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’™πŸ€ŽπŸ€πŸ–€

Every night

Every night, I have the same dream
Every night
A dream
That turns into a nightmare.

Every night, I have the same nightmare
Every night
The nightmare
Wakes me up with stars in my eyes.

Every night, I wake up with stars in my eyes
Every night
Stars in my eyes
Witness the sorrow I feel without you.

Every night, without you
Every night
Without you
I have the same dream, missing you.