The heat does weird things to me… My mind and thoughts work even weirder than they already do.
While having a cup of coffee, I saw my self-harm scars for the first time in a while. I mean, I see them all the time, but I saw them.
I am an eccentric person, there is no use denying that. Even when I self-harm(ed). Every scar is a reminder. It is a mark of this or that happening. There is the scar that reminds me of that weekend in October. There is the scar that reminds me of the pain when Jamie passed away. There are the scars that remind me of my twin flame. The scar for Paulo and the scars that remind me of my teenage years and the pain I couldn’t deal with. There is the scar from my lowest moment ever. There is the scar that my grandma mocked “if you want to kill yourself, you need to cut your wrist and not your arm. But you are too stupid for that too”. There are the scars from being overwhelmed with life.
Every mark on my arms has a reason to be there.
I am under the impression that they are more visible right now, maybe because I’ve got a tan, or they are swollen from the heat, I don’t know…
What I do know is that I am not ashamed or embarrassed by them. I am not hiding them. The scars on my skin are telling my story. Silent, without screaming and without being flashy.
I believe that I am a person with many layers to peel away, but I am very picky who gets to see and peel those layers away. It’s hard for me to trust and be open with people, but once I am, I am 100% me. And it’s not easy to handle me… I am Very aware of that.
Anyway… These were my weird thoughts over a cup of coffee this morning. 😘
Should you forgive the pain others caused? Should you forget how they mistreated you? Is it possible to move past the hurt and the suffering? Can one live on when their entire being is devoured by panic causing demons from the past?
I don’t have a definite answer to this. All I know is that every trauma needs to be addressed for it to become smaller and smaller in size, for it to lose its importance and the control it has over us.
Do you know that feeling of being without words? A head full of thoughts that are unable to be voiced? As if the words are stuck in your throat and the moment you want to say them, they make no sound?
I experience this once in a while. It started yesterday and it is still there today. I cannot speak. And I also physically feel this, my tongue is stuck against the palate, my jaw is tense – as a result, my neck is tense too, which in turn affects my shoulder.
(I am known to remind people to breathe and to unclench their jaw or teeth when they are anxious – try it. It works. Most of the time.)
This state makes me seem passive-aggressive. I am not; I am just without words, and the ones I am capable of using are often short and that’s interpreted as being rude. But because this is real life, I don’t have the words to explain that I can’t speak – it’s a circle, really.
It’s a sure way of pushing people away, of making them run.
So, instead of replying to messages, I leave them on read and kind of ghost the people until I feel better. Only very few receive an instant reply when they message me anyway – but in a state like this, only the three or four very special ones of those few get my attention. Even at the risk of being perceived as rude or passive-aggressive.
I am weirder than you. Sticky emotional neediness.
Words are weapons or blankets. They can hurt or comfort.
Sometimes, people need to remember who is in their corner in times of need. Most often, it is not the people who claimed to be, it is not the people who said they were your friends. And it is definitely not the people you want to be there.
Don’t push those away who support you with everything in their might. Don’t push those away who offer support, understanding, time too.
Because as hard as they are trying to show you that they care and that you matter, they grow tired too. And then, the thing you feared most – being abandoned and lonely will finally happen. That one person who accepted you with all your flaws and knows every horrible detail about you, they will grow silent and quiet. And one day, they will be gone.
I promise, that realisation will hurt and maybe destroy every small success you had in your healing.
Be careful who you push away and cherish those who are there when your life is imploding.