reflections of an unquiet mind

As I walk through my soul’s valley, I am attracted by the dark shadows, but the kiss of healing light guides me on my path

Bambi eyes… That’s what someone said… But it’s just me…

Today is the day that I left my office for the last time ever and tomorrow I have to turn in my laptop and my phone (the ones I received from my employer)

It feels so weird. For the first time since 2017, I am without a signed contract for a new job and I am worried that it might fall through. at the same time, I know that I am very skilled and that everyone could be lucky to have me. The trouble is: I was approached by a former boss, took the offered job,sent in all my paperwork and now I have not heard anything in a while… It makes me unsure… What if they decided against me after all!

I won’t go there…

I don’t take many selfies anymore… I look fat or bloated in most of them, but this is a milestone, and I had to take a pic. I look tired. Others would say I am wearing bedroom eyes… It’s just me, without plan or agenda… And these eyes have been in my face forever… It’s not my fault people keep noticing them…

Urhh… So many insecurities right now, but I bet, everything will be okay.

Truth be told, since the beginning of August, I did not have a drop of alcohol, but tonight, I just enjoyed myself.

I was/am all alone and indulged.

So what happened?

Nothing

Tomorrow will be my last day at my current job. I haven’t signed a new contract and I am afraid that the new offer will fall through, but let’s stay positive.

Since I started that job, I didn’t write much, you may have noticed.

But things happened. I was triggered by the job and I actually quite liked it, but ad I say, it was triggering and it made my mental health even worse. I talked about it with my doc who monitors my thyroid and my heart and she prescribed some meds. I have been taking them rigorously every evening at 5h30. And let me tell you, I am tired, exhausted, but less overthinking too. I have been smoking too much and eating not enough and it shows in my latest blood tests.

I had the results today. I am not hungry, to stressed to eat and I only eat once a day right now. Which is not good. But let’s face it, I am fat, even if I lost 10kg in recent weeks. Since I am not hungry, I don’t feel the need to eat. But I am drinking lots of water. And I am spending a lot of time outside because of the job. I worked up a nice tan.

Next thought: my necklace broke. not the necklace (thank all, it was an inheritance from my mother-in-law) but the pendant. It was a Hindu mantra that one could spin. It was supposed to ease anxiety and it did. The simple gesture of making it spin was… Yeah, it worked and I was not able to find a replacement yet.

But, I bought myself a ring, that is spinning too. It is my gift to myself, because I did what felt right. And it felt right to take the new job at the old place. A former boss got in touch and offered two positions, I gladly took one of them. So, I offered myself a piece of jewely for moving backwards.

I am watching Splash on Disney+ with Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah. The movie is from my birthyear: 1983. I like 80s films and music. A lot.

And, I really think about singing again, practicing it and recording it… I am not sure if I am good enough, probably not. But gosh, I love singing. It would be great.

I finished watching White Collar tonight. A show with Matt Boomer and Willie Garson (who steals every scene he is in). I started watching it when I was on sick leave for my shoulder in 2021 and I watched it again now. I like that show, I have to say. I also love the Mentalist…. Yeah, that’s my kind of show… But I also love Dharma and Greg and Brothers and Sisters.

As for music, I was not open for new music recently. Too busy, not enough routine in my life to dive into all the new and old talent.

So… Tomorrow is my last day at work until mid-september. We’ll see what happens during those 4 weeks.

All these thoughts don’t seem to belong together, but for me, they somehow do.

And now… Music and more wine…

I’ll finish my wine and watch more films with you Tom Hanks… Such an attractive man; then and now too.

I’ve been spending my past week writing assessments for work. I need to write reports to determine if one parent is allowed to see their kids without being supervised. That’s actually my current job: supervising parents who have been sentenced to be supervised to see their kids by a judge, for whatever reason. After three months, I am required to write a report about my observations.

But, that’s not all.

I was also asked to write 1500 words to describe and assess the personality of a friend. Cold-hearted honesty. Of course I accepted the challenge, and wrote the 1500 words in under 15 minutes. And apart from 3 statements, I got it right. (Or so they said)

It got me thinking. I am not sure I could handle such an assessment about myself, but I would want to read it, for sure. But there is a huge issue with this. I don’t share much about myself or not enough so that someone could get a complete picture of me. That’s what I am told.

We have an idea who we are and how we want others to see us. We want to be validated and liked for who we are. Loved even? But what if we never show who we are because we are afraid. Scared. To be different. To be unworthy.

What if there is someone who loves us just the way we are, because we are the way we are?

I am overthinking, of course I am.

Who am I?

Describe my personality, if you can.

❤️💜🖤🤍🤎💙💛🧡💚

Dear Stranger, it has been a while since I wrote you a letter and it took me a while to decide about this one. A lot has happened in the last year and for almost an entire year, we messaged and called daily.

Your last message came a couple of days ago, you were poorly that day; “rough” you called it. And then you vanished and I have no way of getting in touch. But I am worried. So very worried. Because I know how much you were suffering lately. The silence scares me. At the same time, I hope that the relationship we developed is stronger than life. Stronger than silence.

Me without you seems wrong, but I guess it’s only because I came to be dependent of your daily input. I got used to it, but I never took it for granted. Never. Not once. I was always aware that this could end swiftly. After all, before we were friends, we were a fantasy for many years. Yeah, sounds weird, but it is what it is.

You sent me a sad song that you had written last week and I adore it, love it… But I never saved it. Now it is lost just like you. But maybe one day, I will hear the song again, and I will remember that I heard it first, before anyone else did. That’s a nice feeling.

Something of you will always stay with me. Something of me will always stay with you.

I know you will never forget me and I will not forget you either. We played too big a part in each other’s lives for a moment.

And I need to remind myself: people step into our lives when we need them, not when we want them… And it makes a lot of sense right now.

Stranger, babe, just be well. Heal and don’t be afraid to reach out.

Yours forever and ever,

Sweetie

I just want to try something new that came to me (like every blog entry I Post) moments ago. If it feels bad tomorrow, I will delete it. But for now, I will try this.

I will share a list of things about me. But not everything is true. Some of it is a lie, an embellishment of the truth or a fantasy I wish to happen. You can pick out any fact and ask questions about it. I will answer truthfully.

Avis aux amateurs… as the French say. (Enthusiasts, take note)

1. I am 39 years old
2. I am often mistaken for someone younger
3. I have 3 kids and am a proud mom
4. I am married
5. I have a boyfriend
6. My favourite colours are purple and black
7. I love all kinds of music
8. I am a published author
9. My books are read all around the world
10. I don’t work a day job
11. It takes days to finish a poem
12. I never drink alcohol
13. I never smoked
14. I never took any drugs in my life
15. I had my first surgery at 38
16. I had my first kiss at 12
17. I am not interested in the world
18. I don’t step out of my comfort zone
19. I visited strangers for a weekend of sex drugs and rock ‘n roll
20. I don’t care much about how others judge my sexuality
21. I am filled with insecurities
22. I am diagnosed with ADHD
23. I am happy at work
24. I consider myself to be a very girly girl
25. I am outgoing
26. I don’t read my horoscopes
27. Dreams are not real
28. I have a best friend
29. I look at the clock every night at 08:02
30. My roots run deep
31. I really don’t like music at all and hate supporting the artists I like

Couple of truths, couples of lies…

💜❤️💚🧡💛💙🤎🤍🖤

Every night, I have the same dream
Every night
A dream
That turns into a nightmare.

Every night, I have the same nightmare
Every night
The nightmare
Wakes me up with stars in my eyes.

Every night, I wake up with stars in my eyes
Every night
Stars in my eyes
Witness the sorrow I feel without you.

Every night, without you
Every night
Without you
I have the same dream, missing you.

Can you hear my voice, repeating the words we already said? One day without you, and I feel as if an important piece of me is missing. Can you hear my voice, guiding you back into the safety of my arms? Wherever you are, I beg you, don’t drown in guilt and doubt. I am strong enough to protect us both. I promise.

Where are you tonight? I saw you walking down the tunnel, but at the end there was no light. I fought for a candle to flicker for you at night. But my light was never right. Where are you now? If I was able to save your soul, it would save my own too.

Being able to lie in the grass at night, on my back, looking at the clouds and the stars, hearing bugs and nature, planes and some cars… It is quite awesome. Even more so when I look at our house. Our home. It feels surreal some times. If I allow myself to look at the successes in my life, I am in awe of it all. But as we all know, I seldom praise my own achievements…

It’s the little things…