Shoes…

Shoes…

This is one of my favourite pair of high-heels. I only take them out once or twice a year, because really, I am more of a sneakers or boots kind of girl. But they are so beautiful and comfortable enough too. They were expensive, but that’s okay.

Like many women, I own a ton of shoes but mostly only wear the same ones regularly.

These are only for special occasions. Like today. And today’s special occasion was: existing and getting out of bed before noon.

It’s the little things.

πŸ’œβ€οΈπŸ’™πŸ€πŸ’›πŸ§‘πŸ€ŽπŸ–€πŸ’š

About last week…

My left wrist…
On my way home
Sitting, waiting. Four hours in the ER
First vinyl pressings of Neil Young in my collection
A reminder for everyone

As for my Spotify 2021:

Have a great weekend…

πŸ’œβ€οΈπŸ’šπŸ–€πŸ€ŽπŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ€πŸ’™

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If I was able to sleep, I would dream of a blink in an eye when your colour seeps into mine. Light and love fill every part of my being. One last time before everything changes. All the things we used to have and used to be... Nothing. Everything. A fantasy that becomes reality. High up in my tower, I left parts of me to turn into a spirit that is holding your hand and is cradling your tired mind. But I don't sleep. I will never fall asleep again.

Musing

This came to me a couple of moments ago. For a couple of days now, I have been thinking of giving up my online presence. (Closing Twitter and IG, even deleting the blog.)

Every thought ever shared is an old thought once it is written down, hence it loses its importance and its reason to be.

πŸ’œβ€οΈπŸ’™πŸ€πŸ’›πŸ§‘πŸ€ŽπŸ–€πŸ’š

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Black hands are clawing at my dreams
Stealing those rare moments of peace.
Shaking and shivering, I turn to you, my safe light.
You understand what I need; tell me to breathe,
until the evil spirits vanish and leave.
Protected in your arms, I drift off to sleep.

I fell…

…for this new trend (scheme?) to put your name on Urban Dictionary and see what it says. This is what it says about my name:

I’d say this is not completely off the mark, but in the end, it is not for me to judge. By the way, my middle name was quite accurate too.

Have a nice day. xx

Song of the Day

Soen – River

Soen are a Swedish supergroup with member who played in notable metal and progressive bands.

The song “river” can be found on the band’s fourth album called “Lotus” (2019). An album that was well received by fans and critics alike.

I must say, when I heard Soen for the first time, I was immediately smitten. Their music is right up my alley. The above song is rather soft, almost like a ballad. But don’t be fooled, their genre is progressive metal for a reason.

Enjoy…

πŸ’šπŸ–€πŸ€ŽπŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ€πŸ’™β€οΈπŸ’œ

If you are using Spotify, here is a playlist for you, one I listen a lot.

Madness is Sadness

Down this river, I swam
As if someone had stolen my ham.
I ran and I ran
Chasing after the hen.
Swimming and running
Of course, I was looking stunning.
No hair out of place
No run in my lace.
Threading water and kicking stones
whispering my moans.
If the moon hides my madness
The sun blinds my sadness.
Chasing dreams that never were
Seeing my life go by in a blur.
Stop! I yelled and stood still
It was time to taste the yellow pill.
Too tired to understand the rabbits in my head
I lay down on top of your bed.
Losing my mind between your sheets
I was remembering my time on the streets.
I was the meat and you were the butcher
Joined with sutures.
Black beauty was fading
As an imminent result of your degrading.
But the tambourine man kept playing his songs
To keep me where I never belonged.
I jumped off the mountain and landed on the moon
If I survived, I would sleep until noon.
Kiss me away and draw me in the sand
Toss me aside like I am banned.
I ran from you and run to you
Never mind my footprint’s tattoo.
Out of the river, I rose
Striking a glorious pose.
And as you watched me from afar
I shone brighter than the stars
Our fling was too good to be true
It resulted in our hearts bleeding, black and blue.
There is never an end to this sham, that’s why
Down this river, I swam
As if someone had stolen my ham.
I ran and I ran
Chasing after the hen.

(…)

πŸ’œβ€οΈπŸ’™πŸ€πŸ’›πŸ§‘πŸ€ŽπŸ–€πŸ’š

I am not sure what I was drinking/thinking that night in 2018 when this left my fingers, but this must be one of the weirdest pieces I ever wrote. Thoughts?

As I lay down to wait…

I lay down and wait for life to happen. Hidden from view, hidden from the world. And then you see me and I feel insecure; trying to not be me.

I lay down and wait. Tears wet my cheeks. I know, all that I cannot know. Nothing unknown. And then you call and the darkest night is bathed in light.

I lay down and wait. Did I let you get away while I was looking in the review mirror instead of taking careful steps into the future? I wasted too many dreams away.

I lay down and wait. For sleepless nights to mean something and for awoken nights to mean nothing at all. Are there ways to be less soft?

I lay down and wait for life to happen. Dancing in the rain, jumping in puddles. I’m watching the autumn leaves, feeling the wind in my hair. 

I lay down and wait. Until I don’t have to wait anymore. Spirits and fate are in our favour as stars align and every struggle is rewarded the moment I lay my eyes on you.

Social experiment

Three days ago, I mentioned the word “sex” in a conversation on Twitter. That evening, I had six different men in my DMs, sending either nudes of their private parts or sending indecent proposals, including detailed fantasies.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the attention and admire the courage it takes (or the carefree attitude, the mega ego…) to send nudes to a random stranger; but I am really not interested in anything like that.

After a fun chat with T we decided to try a little something:

I put up the word #sex on my Twitter in an attempt to count how many people would react and how.

And wouldn’t you know? Only two men reacted, but not in the way you would think. It was just banter and wordplay. Nothing even close to what I experienced mere days ago.

Nothing else came from it, and after 36 hours I deleted the tweet. I admit I was part disappointed and part relieved. It goes to show that:

  • my Twitter reach is very limited and my feed is well hidden by the algorithm
  • the people who follow me know me well enough to understand this was not an invitation of any kind

Also… Just because I think it is worth mentioning:

  • 79% of my Twitter followers are male
  • 68% of my Instagram followers are male
  • 99% of my Bandcamp followers are male
  • 85% of my SoundCloud followers are male
  • 81% of the blog followers are male

What am I trying to get at? Simple. My interests in music and writing and movies and even photography seem to fit in with men’s interests more than with women’s. There must be a reason for that, but I don’t know it. I find it quite interesting anyway. And also, these numbers might show you that I am circling in places where people try to flirt in a rather blunt manner on occasion. Out of experience: musicians are the worst, the pushiest and the most entitled when you reject them.

But again, I know to whom my heart belongs, I know where my home is, and I am not interested in anything else.

And yet, I also wonder why so few females are in my audiences. Is it because (as I have been told a couple of times) I seem distant, cold, uninterested? Do I myself react differently to women than to men?

I don’t know. And in the end, it does not matter either. As always, I am doing my thing. It is not aimed at any gender or audience, I am just trying to be my most authentic self.

β€πŸ’œπŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ–€