39 for 39

1. It’s my 39th birthday today
2. My horoscope said plenty of good things today
3. And yet, I am grumpy, tense, irritated
4. The first birthday wishes came yesterday. They cannot wish today, for personal reasons
5. I was sent out of the kitchen because my daughter (13) is about to make a cake
6. I don’t really like cake – or anything sweet
7. I like long baths though
8. With bubbles
9. I also like music
10. I wanted to share a Spotify playlist with 39 songs, but that’s quite hard.
11. I will put the link to my daily playlist up with this post. Be prepared for close to 49 hours of music (!) (I deleted 4 hours of music today!)
12. I don’t believe in coincidence
13. But i kept thinking about my former best friend these last days
14. And then I saw an opening at a place where she used to work
15. I will not get in touch
16. I am not expecting any birthday wishes from my older sister or my mom
17. I used to write many lists like this, with facts about me
18. That’s why I am trying to keep it vague
19. Everything was said at least once before
20. Or as a good friend said: nothing is new under this sun
21. The sun is not shining today
22. I ordered myself a piece of art from an American painter. Lee Zimmerman. I hoped it would arrive today. But – nope.
23. I was 15 when my mom turned 39
24. When I was 15, I was in a relationship with an older guy (he was 23).
25. I caught him cheating with another man. I broke up with him because he lied and denied everything, not because of his bisexuality
26. In hindsight, I experienced quite a lot already
27. What more is there to come?
28. I am longing to see live music again
29. And to feel loved
30. But, I am overthinking this “love” thing. How can I be loved when I have no idea how romantic love feels like?
31. I am not a romantic person
32. I could be considered to be a bit hard or cold or eccentric though
33. It’s starting to rain
34. It sounds vain, but I like to read bits of my novel. It’s a good book.
35. I am not always a miserable person. I like to laugh too
36. Last year, on this day, my kids and husband had arranged a surprise visit from my dad and younger sister. I loved it. And I cried happy tears. I don’t want this this year. I want to be left alone and be antisocial
37. Or maybe not?
38. I am a walking contradiction
39. I’m thinking about sending out handwritten letters or postcards again. I did that in 2019 and met great people that way. Strangers who enjoyed receiving a handwritten letter. I like receiving postcards and letters too.

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Happy Birthday to me. 🎉🍾🥳🎵