Nostalgia and Growth

Sometimes it feels as if I am writing into the void. That’s often nice enough, but sometimes, I crave some feedback. Maybe some attention, you could also say. A decade ago, I shared many of my stories on a site called Wattpad. It’s one of those sites where you post your writing and with a little luck, you get instant response. The dopamine rush of that can be addicting and I admit, when I stopped writing long stories and only poetry started to leave my fingers, the interaction became less and less. I was spoiled by the young readers and their enthusiasm and it couldn’t be diverted to the poetry. I decided that it was time to go. I had a great following there; three times as much as I have here. And most of them were active in one way or another. I miss that here. I am very grateful for the handful of names that pop up daily in my notifications. Very much so. And I can never repay you for the time you’ve spent here on my blog.

It’s petty but I kind of miss that instant gratification I had on Wattpad right now. I miss more people reacting to my writing. And sometimes I think about joining that place again, just for the sake of it. But the truth is, I’ve outgrown the site. I am in my 40s and shouldn’t want that kind of attention. Then again, attention generates sales. I sold two copies of Fire & Rain on Amazon since it came out. And two here on the blog. Often I wonder if I even have the right to call myself a writer or a poet. But I am. I have all the words and the files to show that I am.

That sounds all wrong and infuriating, doesn’t it? But there is a reason for that too.

I write daily. Post new poems almost daily too. I wonder if it is too much or if I am not good enough after all. Maybe the voices in my head insisting that I am delusional to think that my writing has any value in anyone’s life are right and I should stop pestering everyone with it. (Writing this, allowing the thought to appear in black letters on my white screen makes me feel embarrassed and fragile.)

Sometimes, when I receive a very nice comment, I screenshot it. For exactly the above reason. To remind myself that at one time, one person was affected by a string of words I wove together. I need that reminder. I need to remember that I matter.

That’s why I collected few mentioned screenshots and put them in a gallery on the blog. On the desktop, it should be to your right, on the mobile it should be visible when you scroll all the way down.

I am not a pretender, not a fraud. I know words. And I know how to use them. I know what sounds flat and forced and how to put a sentence to make it emotive and real. Rationally I know all that. But I doubt myself anyway.

I feel the need to say “THANK YOU” to all of you who are here in this corner with me. You’ve found me and liked me or my words (or both) enough to show up again and again. I am not giving back enough, but I love and appreciate you a lot.

and as I am sitting here, bleeding my thoughts on the screen again, a song called Panic is playing. A song I haven’t heard in years. It came on in a Spotify playlist. The lyrics are a bit weird, poetic and relatable. The song is a lot louder and more chaotic than the music I listen to recently. My kids are joking about it, they say I’m growing into a softy. And maybe they are right. Then again, maybe they aren’t.

I look up and out of my window and see the blue sky, the wind that is caressing the grapevines and the old linden tree. In the window of the neighbours, I can see the reflection of my home. I love my home and the life I am living right now.

There is more to this day than my sullen mood. A lot more. I will make lunch for my daughters, pick up my son from work (with my new car) and then I will read, listen to music and remember that I am not alone. Even if I feel quite lonely right now. It’s too quiet around me, it makes room for my thoughts to become too loud. This too will pass.

If you have a minute, take a look at the new gallery. And if you have two, could you leave comment for me? Just to let me know that you are there. Thank you.

It’s Friday! Enjoy your day.