I’m thinking of…

… ending things. No it’s less dramatic than it sounds. I am Thinking of Ending Things is a novel by Iain Reid I began reading a couple of years ago but never finished. The title stayed with me. Maybe I should give it a second chance. It’s just, and I am quite sure many people feel the same: at times, reading can feel like a serene escape while at other times, sifting through lengthy narratives feels daunting when compared to the instant gratification of bite-sized information on the internet. 

Anyway… I am thinking a lot about music right now and how it affects me and my moods. For me, music is amongst the most important things in my daily life and it is hard to explain. After all, I am not a musician. I can sing a bit, but that’s about it. I am just a fan, a listener, a supporter. When I was a child, music became a safe haven, a refuge. A constant in my life that was there and took me as I was. It listened to me as much as I did listen to it. There was and still is a song for every moment in life. And even though my parents weren’t fit to be my parents (I say “my parents” because my dad is a good dad to my half-sister, I think) , they gave me the gift of music. My mom was a music lover in her own right and my dad has been in bands since he was 15. His love for music – new and old, is a faithful companion. And often when we meet, when we run out of topics to talk about, we gravitate towards music. We are both comfortable with that. Recently I was told again that I have a vast knowledge about music and bands in general, but I think I am in a bubble. I only know things about the ones I am interested in and have also the handful of artists I really really don’t like.

Last week, a musician approached me to write a review about an album that does not have a release date yet. The album is awesome, I think. Impressive and captivating. I have been listening to it on repeat and still discover and hear new elements in every song. I haven’t tired of it, which is a good sign. But finding the right words and writing an objective, informative review that also incites the readers to go and listen to (and buy) the music – that’s very hard. And I don’t think I have the right skills for that at present. I am looking at music blogs like Jeff’s and his writing is off the charts and always spot on. Other music blogs do it too, but personally, I think Jeff’s writing about music is the best. It’s easily said that everyone’s a critic, but doing just that in an objective, fair, and educated way is not easy at all. All these words to say, I am still thinking about it, doing it – writing the review, but right now, the chances are rather slim.

Sometimes, I wonder if I had the same thoughts if my life had been different. You know what I mean?

It’s a thought that often crosses the mind, isn’t it? The idea that our experiences shape the way we see the world and the thoughts that occupy our minds. If our lives had taken different turns, would our thoughts and perspectives be entirely different as well? It’s intriguing to think about how our personal journeys influence the inner workings of our minds. Whether it’s the people we’ve met, the places we’ve been, or the challenges we’ve faced, they all contribute to shaping the our thoughts.

Every decision made and every path chosen has contributed to the unique set of thoughts that occupy our minds today. It’s a fascinating concept, contemplating the interconnected nature of our experiences and our thoughts. Don’t you think? Perhaps in an alternate reality where our lives unfolded differently, our thoughts would indeed be unrecognizable. But in this reality, shaped by our experiences, the endless “what ifs” linger in the corners of our minds sometimes rear their heads to stir our thoughts.

Ah, there… typically me… jumping from one topic to the next without an apparent connection. But in my mind, everything I wrote above is somehow linked. When I start to pen down my thoughts, it’s like taking a leisurely stroll through a labyrinth of ideas and emotions. The connection may not be apparent at first glance, but upon closer inspection, the threads that bind it all together slowly start to unravel. It’s a bit like uncovering hidden links and meanings.

It’s fascinating how our thoughts can drift to unexpected places on a sunlit Thursday morning, with the warmth of the sun caressing our backs. In the background, the turntables spin a record, creating an ambiance that seems to both define and defy the moment. Today, it’s Pearl Jam’s “Lightning Bolt” (2013).

As I bask in the sunlight, it’s tempting to let the world turn and allow my mind to remain a pristine, unmarked canvas. However, that’s not who I am. Instead, I embrace the musings and the melodies, finding inspiration in the thin almost imperceptible differences between the ordinary moment and the extraordinary soundtrack that accompanies it. Each line etched in my mind becomes a verse waiting to be written, a thought seeking expression on the pages that now lay before me. And you.

My moods are improving, the darkness I felt for weeks and the demons that were attached to my skin are finally disappearing. There is some fragility left in me and it is always there, we know that. There is also an underlying strength and a lot of integrity ingrained in me. But something slightly shifted this week and allowed more light and more hope back in. As I wrote a couple of days ago – let’s embrace the beauty simplicity so that maybe the overthinking mind gets a rest.

Enjoy this Thursday. Listen to music. Sit in the sun. Write. Read. Think. Do whatever feels best for you right now in this moment. And allow me to thank you. For reading all these thoughts that have a meaning but don’t matter. Or maybe they matter but or meaningless? Perhaps, they hold deeper meaning beneath their superficial appearance, or perhaps, their significance eludes us, shrouded in enigma.

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musings – 1074 words – reading time: 6 minutes (this stream of consciousness turned out much longer and weirder than initially intended. Then again, we all know that my posts are never planned… My mind seems to be a bit like trying to find a path in the fog but not having a map and forgetting if you are walking or driving or maybe even flying… I’ll stop here 🙂