it’s Thursday

throwback Thursday, as they call it. There were several random things on my mind for this throwback Thursday. Often, I just go back and share an old thought or post. But last night, I had many memories. And I want to share some with you.

Six years ago, I had just started a new job. Same as now. My hair was long and wavy, and I decided to cut it short. I cut my hair from waist-length to chin-length. For me, it was a huge change. I didn’t have short hair in years, but it felt right. And it felt good. I remember the hairdresser who asked several times if I really wanted to cut my hair and she even called a colleague to assist, saying that she was not used to doing this. But I was daring that way and I was experimental that day. After the haircut, I went to work and since it was October my colleagues first thought that my hair was tangled in my scarf; it wasn’t. Most people were amazed and positively surprised. Most people, Amalia cried when she saw me. She could not understand why someone would cut their hair. And to this day, there is no reason to that decision. I got up that morning and felt like changing my style. Ever since then, I cut my hair short a couple of times, the last time in December 2020. Since then it was growing back and I have almost waist-long hair again. With one change though, my wavy hair grew back as really curly. And I like it a lot that way. I also like my natural haircolour. It’s not red but not brown either. There are orange streaks in my chestnut hair and it is completely natural. Of course, there are more and more greys these days, but that too, I like.

So, six years ago, I was working at a nursery. I worked with babies aged 2 months to 2 years. I loved that job. A lot. Then came the moment I injured my shoulder in late 2018. I remember it exactly, it was at work and I had a kid on my arm who was throwing a tantrum. Something snapped in my shoulder and I was in agony, but I kept working. I only really allowed myself to feel the pain after my shift, when I was unable to bend over to tie my shoes. I went to a doctor. She didn’t touch me, she only said you seem to have snapped the breasts muscle. Loose some weight and it will be okay. But I didn’t trust her. She never touched me or my shoulder. A couple of days later, I saw a different doc who conducted different tests. He let me move my arm this way and that way and on an échographie the damage was clearly visible. He was mad when I told him about his colleague’s diagnosis. And so a long journey began. I had several cortisone injections and was put on extensive sick leave in order to take things easy. I saw a physiotherapist several times per week who help with massages and needling. (Needling is simply put damaging the muscle with acupuncture needles to make them twitch and heal themselves). Nothing worked for more than one week. I only remember 1 painfree week from that time and it was in October 2020. After that my doc said he couldn’t do anything else for me anymore and referred me to a surgeon. Again, I had to take several tests and it resulted in surgery in March 2021. I was in official recovery until July 2021, when I was told that I could never go back to my old job because of unforseen circumstances and new issues with my arm. I was lost, very very lost. And I embarked on a new journey to find a job I liked. I worked with pregnant minors and teen moms. I liked the job, I loved the shifts I worked but I didn’t like the team. I left for a job with Family services. I became a social worker, a case worker. I supervised parents who were not allowed to see their kids on their own. It was an interesting job, but due to my own history, it was very hard on me, and after very few months, I quit. And then, I got back to the start. I went back to were I had worked at the nursery. Same site, different group of kids; I now worked with kids 7 to 12. I felt relieved to be back there, it was like coming home. I stated that it felt like moving backwards to be able to move forward, and I stand by those words. Because after exactly 1 year, I left that place again. This time, it was by choice and with a feeling of closure. Ever since I am working a teaching job with 3 – 4 year olds. In all, in six years, I had 5 jobs. And it is kind of embarrassing, but I also feel a bit proud. I learnt something everywhere I was and I left parts of my knowledge everywhere too. Mainly the last two years shaped my career in a way I never thought possible. But I am glad I dared to quit time and time again. My shoulder issues are still not resolved and most days I am still in pain. But it is okay. I am not sure if the pain is easier to manage these days or if I simply got used to it.

a completely different memory to share is the one about me and music. I used to be a singer in a band. We were two singers, one male, one female. It was a great time, until the men decided they didn’t want a girl in the band and they asked me to leave, because I couldn’t sing and stuff like that. Fast forward to a community called Do it Yourself Hard (DIY Hard) for a compilation, songs were gathered and as a hidden song on there compilation, you can hear me performing a spoken poetry piece. (On Bandcamp, the album is set to private or I would share a link here for you) This collaboration also got me involved in a project called Endling, where I can be heard reading poetry again. But, the highlight of my musical career must be when a band called Weather Systems put one of my poems (the best pessimist) in a song and when Daniel Cavanagh narrated one of my poems. This one is quite special for me and although I am not 100% satisfied with the outcome, I am quite proud that this happened at all. After all, I was a fan of the band Anathema for years. It felt like a great honour. Though I admit, it didn’t do anything to enhance my book sales.

I shared a lot, for now, I think. Next week, I will share more memories. Maybe. Probably.