a little bit more about me. About me as a parent.
As a reader (old or new) you probably know by now that I am a mom of three teenagers. My son is 18, my daughters are 14 and 13. My youngest daughter is a lot like me and sometimes, it bothers me. She is so empathetic that she’d rather neglect herself than stand up for herself and I want to teach her that her own wants and needs on life are valid. She is very open with me and (for now) shares every little thing with me and when she doesn’t share, I can always guess her mood. I am not the kind of mom who insists on talking, I give her the space she needs, and I am there when she needs something else. Like yesterday. She seemed a bit down and tired when she came home from school and so, we cuddled on the couch with our lunch, sharing a blanket and watching reruns on TV all afternoon long. (From little house on the prairie to Baywatch to diagnosis murder and forged in fire). We spent hours not talking much but being in each other’s presence. She he had her head in my lap and I massaged her scalp… It was very meditative. Very nice. Those moments will become less and less in the next months, I am aware if that, that’s why I enjoy and savour them as long as they last.
I wouldn’t say that I am a perfect parent, far from it. But from the things that I see, our way of being a family is not the worst. My kids are intelligent, empathetic, polite, headstrong, they know how to listen… They can also be lazy, sloppy, withdrawn… But they are always respectful and they each have a great sense of humour. We laugh a lot. Out connection and the way we are outside, affectionate and humourous, often makes people look at us weirdly. I’d like to know what they think… But then again, I don’t care. I love my kids with every fiber of my being.
Yeah, my kids are a big part of me. I would not be who I am without them. And sometimes, I wish I had had the mom they have now. Not to praise myself too much, but for someone who did not have any parental figures and suffered emotional abuse and blackmail as a child, I am doing pretty ok. I am proud of them. Of us.
You know, I could write more about them, add anecdotes and stories or share memories, but I won’t. I want to protect their privacy. Why write about them at all? Because I am a proud mom and for every lamenting post I share, there are these prideful moments happening offline.
And while I wrote this, I kept thinking that I wanted/needed to add the following: my kids are a big part of me (I mentioned it above), but that doesn’t mean that kids are for everyone. Being child free is a choice I can absolutely understand too and I respect it wholeheartedly. And another thought I had while writing this post was: hopefully this will not hurt anyone who does not have kids but wants them. I am sorry if it hurt you.
I don’t think I writing all too often about my kids, and I certainly don’t want to shove my lifestyle down anyone’s throat. You see, from the beginning, from falling pregnant for the first time at 21, nothing was ever easy. Material things were always a struggle and a challenge, but emotions and affections : they were always real and true. I never regretted being a mom. And I never feared being a mom either. I am growing with them. Everyday. And that is a nice feeling.
My current job allows to be home a lot. I am quite present as a parent, something which was not always possible with the jobs I had. I savour every moment of it. Even more so when. The result is a cozy afternoon like the one I spent yesterday with Amalia.
Parenting is sometimes hard. Evermore so when life is not too kind or when your mind is a liar, like mine. But parenting is also very rewarding. Try being your authentic self around your children, they will benefit from it and the bond you will share will be that much tighter. Trust yourself. Either with or without children, trust in yourself and be proud of all the obstacles you put behind you. You’ve got this. One day at a time.
reflections of an unquiet mind 