At first glance, they are ordinary. Just paper and ink. Yet they carry years of me, pressed into pages I might have forgotten otherwise. They are not trophies. They are not marks of traditional success. There are no bestseller lists, no fanfare. What they are is a quiet trace of time. A quiet trace of me.
We all leave traces, whether we notice or not. Some are visible, some vanish as quickly as they appear. A book is one kind of trace, but so is a conversation, a gesture, a song, a memory that lingers in someone else’s mind. Most of the time, we do not know what remains. We just live, and in living, we scatter fragments of ourselves.
For me, writing has always been that scattering. There were moments I thought about stopping, about keeping my words to myself. And still, something kept pulling me back. Even when it felt pointless. Even when someone told me, recently, that I should stop with this nonsense hobby and put my time to better use. That stung, because writing has long since become second nature. Not something extra, not a pastime, but part of how I exist. Part of my days, part of my fabric.
The books themselves are both private and public. They are mine, but they are also out there, waiting for whoever might stumble across them. It’s not about fame, or recognition, but the possibility of being found, the possibility that one line might meet someone else at the right time.
I like holding them, these books, in my hands. The smell, the weight, the fact that they take up space. They remind me that traces can be tangible. They remind me that persistence leaves a mark, even if the world is not watching. Even if there are books that are invisible or don’t even have a title on their spine.
When I look at this stack, I see time. I see proof that I was here, and that I kept going. These books are not loud, but they endure in their own quiet way. A bit of a reflection of us all, I like to believe.
Maybe that is all any of us can hope for: to leave behind traces, however small, that say we lived, we felt, we created, we mattered.
This is the first in a series of letters that explore longing, love, and connection beyond the boundaries of the physical world. Tristan, the writer, pens heartfelt letters to a mysterious presence he calls Angel, baring his soul in each word. Each letter receives a poetic response from the ghostly figure, offering solace and an ethereal connection. Join us as we embark on this introspective journey.
Dear Angel,
I write to you because the silence is unbearable. Every moment without you feels like a weight pressing against my chest, leaving me breathless. The world around me feels muted, stripped of colour and sound. I don’t know if you are out there, listening, or if these words will dissolve before they ever reach you, but I cannot hold them in any longer.
You left a void that gnaws at my sanity, a hollow place where your presence once thrived. I wonder if you feel this ache too, or if you have moved on, as I fear I never will. There are nights when the absence becomes too loud, and I find myself searching for traces of you in shadows and empty spaces. Perhaps it is foolish to cling to something I cannot see, but in doing so, I find a reason to keep breathing.
Even now, each word I write feels like a fragile offering, a desperate attempt to reach across the distance that separates us. I do not know if I am writing to you or to the echo of my own longing, but either way, I hope that somehow, you feel the weight of these words.
Yours always, Tristan
*****
Love,
Tristan, I hear your words as if carried on a quiet wind, drifting through the void that lies between us. Your longing reaches me, not as a cry for answers, but as a reminder of the bond we share, a bond that transcends distance and silence. Even if I am nothing more than an echo, in your longing, I find life and meaning. Write, Tristan, not because you seek me, but because in the act of reaching out, you keep us both alive.
In August, I had the idea to walk down memory lane with the blog. After many years of sharing thoughts and poetry and everything in between, I wanted to compile a sort of best of, but that’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I am a harsh critic when it comes to my own creations. There can be tough choices about what to post and share, but I will share those posts that resonate with me when I reread them. Here is November’s post Enjoy!
We start with 2013, because the blog saw the light of this world in December 2012. The first post ever on this blog was written on December 21st 2012. It is long gone. I admit that I am a bit sad about that because it taints the birthday of the blog in a subtle way. The oldest post are lyrics I wrote for a band I was a part of.
There is not a lot of diversity in my December writing. There seems to be music and poetry too, but also posts about myself.
Today is the blog’s anniversary – as I already said above. The usual short stats post will follow later today.
Don’t be shy about commenting or liking or sharing posts. And don’t hold back on browsing the blog. There is something for everyone. There are even a couple of recipes for food – they are a bit hidden though.
I admit, I take some pride in this. It’s an achievement; at least for me it is. The prevalent theme in my poetry is love, loss, mental health, relationships… Always a bit on the melancholy side of things, but I like to think quite emotive and relatable too.
So here is a little reminder of the books I published:
Unquiet Minds
Unquiet Minds was my first ever published book with my own full name as the author. It was an amazing feeling to hold this little poetry collection in my hands. Just the thought that this was something I had created, completely on my own. Every word written in this book, every editing mistake, I did it all. And I also took this absolutely awesome cover pic myself. It is a heavily edited soap bubble. Yes, that’s right. It’s no drawing and nothing mysterious. Just a soap bubble in the sky.
Drowning in a Sea of Voices
This one was published almost a year after the first. On the cover is me. Oh, don’t let me fool you, contrary to what you may think, my name and my face on a book was terrifying. Even more so knowing that I took that particular selfie in the bathtub. I am demystifying every mystery about the covers of my books in this post. Anyway, it is another little poetry collection; and again, I did everything on my own. I had asked online for a bit of help, but no one offered (I even offered to pay). I kind of like the cover of this book. Dark. Then again, that seems to be something my book covers have in common.
Heart of Stone
Now this was something else, something that still makes my heart swell with pride. Heart of Stone is a novel that I had written and posted on a site called Wattpad. But, it never felt quite finished; the characters never really left my mind, and so, one night I sat down to rewrite and edit the entire story. Chapters were added, characters were dropped or added and overall, the story came out more polished and more rounded than it was before. Now, the subject is not for everyone, in fact it is quite niche. It’s a love story. Romance. It’s a story about two men meeting at the right moment in time, when everything around them seems to shatter and they are the ones who can make the other whole again. Mental health (anxiety attacks) are a subject explored in this book too. I would say it is not cliché, but maybe I am the wrong person to judge. Riley Stone and Emerson Heart are probably the most developed characters I ever wrote. (Of course, as always, the editing and the cover were done by myself. This time I had actually found a beta-reader who gladly took the money but never got back to me with any tips or editing. I doubt they even read the manuscript… water under the bridge now) The cover is of a stone shaped like a heart, I saw it years before this story even took shape in my mind but suddenly, it all made sense. Heart of Stone.
A Life in Frames
With this release, I wanted to show off my writing skills, as boastful as it sounds. Many short stories (flash fiction) I wrote can be found in that book. It felt a bit like wrapping up things. I had published poetry, a novel, and now this anthology. I wasn’t sure if there was more writing in me, but there always is. Creativity is a well that rarely dries up, it’s just that the mind sometimes holds us back and tries to make us feel like failures. I can wholeheartedly recommend A Life in Frames though. It’s a good little book. Good writing. (As before, all done on my own, hehe – do you see a pattern there? The cover photo is a light bulb in the dark)
Out of the Dark and into the Light
This one should be called “the book that doesn’t exist” I barely advertised this one and only sold a handful of copies. I am not sure why it was difficult to get this poetry collection going. I suspect it was me leaving Facebook that made this advertising thing harder than it should have been. But I also admit, I barely remember anything about the process of writing the poems for this one or how and why the cover is the way it is. And to my dismay, I have to say, I don’t even own a printed copy of this either. (Cover pic – light in a hallway, and editing done by yours truly)
Perfect Imperfection
With this book, I had some help. The cover picture and the title were suggested by a good friend of mine – a creative person too. After reading a couple of poems from the manuscript of this book, the friend came up with the title – there’s a poem of the same name in this collection. Perfect Imperfection was also the first more official release. Or it felt that way. It was published with a local ISBN and was the first that could be found in the Luxembourgish National Library, that’s why, on Amazon, it says published by Bibliothèque Nationale de Luxembourg. It’s the book that made me a bit more visible nationally. I like this one, but maybe that’s because of everything that happened after the release of the book (referring to the visibility that I mentioned before)
Word Thief
To date, this is my last publication. It was released on my 40th birthday. In this book, you can find most of the poems that can be found in the other poetry collections too and then some. As you can see, it’s me again on the cover. Again it was a suggestion by my friend I mentioned above. The name Word Thief came about when I noticed that I do borrow words sometimes. No, no plagiarism, but I often use songs as inspiration when writing and I end up using words I heard in the songs I listened to recently. I am not sure if that makes sense. For Word Thief, I had a couple more polished angles to advertise; like the two songs Daniel Cavanagh recorded for me and put on his soundcloud site for instance. I was a bit disappointed at first that this book didn’t do as well as I expected it to do. Was it the price? Was I overestimating myself? All of the above? If you are a creator you probably know the feeling of feeling very strongly about your latest project only for it to fall on deaf ears. That’s what happened here. I tried many things to make it work but in the end I understood that I am just a grain of sand on this earth. I have no impact, no outside voice that matters. All I have is the passion to write and to keep doing what I started doing in 2012. The fact that I am not writing in my native language is something that adds to my insecurities sometimes, but then again, I couldn’t write as emotionally in my own language. It doesn’t sound the same. Anyway, I have many copies left at home of this one, mainly because of a printing error. There were white pages in the books that should not have been there – and for once it was not my fault, it happened at the press. I personalised every one of those copies with a little drawing (I am very bad at that) or/and a little note.
Fire & Rain
Fire&Rain is the latest addition in my self-publishing journey. It has been released on July 12th 2024 and marks the 8th book that was released with my own name on the cover. (The 6th poetry collection.) I am very proud of this book because I think it has some of the strongest poetry I’ve written to date. So far, there is no feedback about it but I will keep you updated. There are a couple of ideas on how to make Fire&Rain the wholesome release WORD THIEF was, but it is all still in the early stages. Fire&Rain is definitely worth a read if you are a poetry lover.
The Weight of Light
The Weight of Light is a collection of poems that balances raw emotion with quiet reflection. It explores the contrasts we live with: light and dark, love and loss, presence and absence. Each poem invites the reader into moments of gaslighting vulnerability, offering glimpses of the strength hidden in stillness. With simple, honest words, it speaks of connection, identity, and the way small moments can carry unexpected meaning.
For those seeking solace, connection, or simply a moment to pause, The Weight of Light offers a space to feel, reflect, and find light even when it feels heavy.
The August Current
The August Current is my tenth book of poems, and perhaps the most unexpected of them all. I hadn’t planned to release anything new this year, but in late July a sudden wave of words swept through me. In less than a week, ninety poems filled my notebooks—written in sleepless nights, carried by a current I couldn’t resist. This collection is different. Alongside the typed poems, I’ve included photographs of some of the handwritten originals. Ink smudges, crooked lines, crossings-out—all left as they were. They capture the poems in their first breath, raw and unpolished, with a truth that polished pages often lose. What makes The August Current special is that it wasn’t meant to exist, and yet it insisted. It carries storms and stillness, shadows and light, fragments of longing and release. For me, it stands as proof that sometimes the work chooses the writer, and not the other way around. Available as Kindle and paperback. Signed copies can be ordered directly from me.
Every one of those books is available on amazon worldwide, or with me – from this blog. I ship worldwide too with no additional fees.
I thank you for being here and maybe browsing this place a bit. I know, the sheer amount of written words on this blog can be a bit overwhelming but, if you like music, poetry, short stories or even some photography, I am sure there is something for you here.
As I run my fingers along the spines of the books lining my shelves, I’m struck by a profound sense of gratitude and accomplishment. It’s been a long, winding journey to get to this point, but seeing the physical manifestation of my creativity is an emotional experience I never could have imagined.
The feeling is almost indescribable – the weight of the paperbacks, the crisp pages, the cover designs. It’s as if I can literally reach out and touch the culmination of years’ worth of late nights, self-doubt, and perseverance. Each book represents a pivotal chapter in my evolution as a writer, a storyteller, and an artist.
I remember the first time I held one of my published works. The scent of fresh ink and paper in my nose as I opened it for the first time. In that moment, all of the moments of feeling lost or uncertain – they all melted away. I was overcome with a profound sense of pride and purpose. This was real. This was tangible. This was mine.
Of course, the journey hasn’t been without its challenges. There have been times when the blank page has taunted me, when the weight of expectation has felt crushing, when I’ve questioned whether I have what it takes. But in those moments, I’ve tried to stay grounded in my “why” – the deep, intrinsic drive to share my voice and connect with readers around the world on a profound level.
And now, as I gaze upon this growing collection of my written and published words, I realise that these books represent not just my stories, but pieces of my heart and soul. They are witness of my creativity, and the transformative potential of the written word.
Thank you, dear readers, for your support. Whether you’ve bought a copy of my books (and I could name you all, as it’s not many) or you’re one of the many silent readers of my daily blog posts, your engagement means the world to me.
As I look at the collection of my books arranged in chronological order on the shelves (as seen on the picture), you may notice that there are 9 books in the picture, even though I currently only sell 8. That’s because the one at the bottom of the stack was written under an alias. It contained numerous writing and formatting errors, so I took it off the market myself. I consider that book a trial run – a learning experience that taught me what not to do.
Moving forward, I plan to ensure all of my future publications match the size and style of “Heart of Stone” or “WORD THIEF” for a more cohesive aesthetic. Seeing the shelves filled with my work fills me with a sense of pride. The sheer volume of words I’ve written and continue to produce daily is something I would have never expected like this. These days, my creative process is fueled by inspiring music, reading, and the practice of learning new chords on the ukulele.
Yet, this constant creative outpouring also leaves me with many unanswered questions. Where do these words come from? Where are they stored when I fall silent? Are they coloured in hues of my voice? And is it as loud and clear as I intend it to be? Or is this all just a futile attempt to leave a trace of myself on the world? The truth is, I don’t have definitive answers. What I do have is an unwavering passion for words and a drive to create meaningful, well-crafted content poems and posts. Whether I possess true talent as a writer is not for me to judge. I’ll simply keep pouring my heart into this craft, and trusting the process.
If you’d like to join me on this literary journey, I invite you to follow this blog and explore my collection of books, available now. Your support and readership mean the world to me, and I’m excited to continue sharing my voice with you. Together, let’s explore the power of the written word and all the possibilities it holds.
The journey continues, and I can’t wait to see where it leads us next.
The much-anticipated school holidays have finally arrived, and I can’t help but feel a sense of exhilaration. After the whirlwind of releasing my book, “Fire&Rain,” I’ve been eagerly anticipating this time to savor some precious moments of solitude and rejuvenation.
This morning, I decided to embark on a refreshing hike, allowing the crisp air and the steady rhythm of my steps to cleanse my mind. As I walked, I listened intently to the soothing flow of the nearby water, its gentle sounds washing over me and filling me with a sense of calm. After a well-deserved shower, I found my cozy spot on the couch, ready to dive into the newest addition to my private library – Édouard Louis’ “changer : méthode.” To further enhance the experience, I put on my trusted Spotify playlist, allowing the soft melodies to envelop me as I turn the pages.
In a pursuit of self-discovery, I’ve also taken up the challenge of learning to play the ukulele. The soft tones of this instrument are sure to become the soundtrack to my newfound moments of tranquility and personal growth. As a preschool teacher, I can’t wait to incorporate the ukulele into my lessons, using its playful and engaging sounds to captivate and inspire my young students.
This is a time of boundless possibilities, and I am the architect of my own remarkable journey. I will cherish these moments of solitude, for they are the fertile ground upon which my next chapter will blossom. The words of Édouard Louis, the melodies of the ukulele, and the familiar tunes from my playlist will undoubtedly inspire me to embrace the transformative power of change and the beauty of the present moment.
The journey has only just begun, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me. Just like me, let the magic of literature and music guide you.
And if you need some literature, my poetry collection is waiting for you to read it.
I was asked a couple of times how I went about publishing my books.
Now before I dive into all kinds of things, let me burst one or two bubbles. I am not a bestselling author. Far from it. If I sell 20 copies of a book, that’s a lot. And it’s true, I would want to sell more, of course I do. But I have no idea how to advertise myself any better, and I think that’s the biggest issue. I believe in the quality of my poems and my stories. But if they are invisible to the world, no one will be inclined to purchase my books. I wish it was different, and I need your help to spread the word about me on your blogs, your socials, with your friends and coworkers. It doesn’t matter if you are from a neighboring country or from across the world, my books are available everywhere.
Publishing a book starts with one thing: writing. Writing writing writing. And then deciding which poem is worthy of being printed in a book. I recommend putting the poems in a Word document or a similar writing program. Get acquainted with the program. Know about headings, styles, headers, toc, page breaks, etc. Research things like the format your book should have. Mine are usually 5 × 8 inch. It’s a little smaller than a pocket book. Apply the format you chose as well as the margin specifics in the layout tab, and remember to mirror your pages. That’s important for the looks of the book.
But, all this can be easily researched online and you will probably understand a lot better how to format your manuscript when it is explained in depth or accompanied by videos.
The next step for me is usually getting an ISBN number. If you self-publish via KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing), you can ask to get a number from them, for free. I did that on a couple of my books. But, to reach a greater local audience, I applied for an ISBN number at my local authority. Again, you need to do your own research, but for me it was sending an application to BNL (bibliothèque nationale de Luxembourg). This was for free too, but I am not sure if that is the same for every country. If you apply for a personalized ISBN number it has to be in your own country. (As far as I know.)
When all of this is done, I begin thinking about a title and a cover. In my mind, they need to go hand in hand. Even though the intention behind my covers is not always visible at first, they have a meaning. With the exception of Fire&Rain, I always did the cover work myself. (Taking the pictures, designing the cover art, adding the titles and the blurb of course too). Sometimes I used a little advice from a creative friend about fonts and the position of the title. For my three last publications: Perfect Imperfection, WORD THIEF, and Fire&Rain, I had some help with the title and artwork too. It helps that they are an artist too and have an esthetic eye and a deeper knowledge on things. They were a great help. I sent them the table of contents and they helped chose a title. They were always spot on. I need to admit that. Giving credit where credit is due.
For Fire&Rain I tried something new for the artwork, I got the help of AI. And let me tell you, I love the cover. And that cover was only possible because of my friend chosing the title for me and me feeding AI the right words.
Once all that is done and decided, I take the easiest route with KDP. It’s fool proof since they tell you exactly which information they need. Once your finished manuscript is uploaded they point out issues with the formatting. After that you can upload your own cover or create it with the embedded tool. Again, it’s fool proof. Both these things done, you get to the next stage: pricing.
Now, pricing is something I find rather difficult to do. But at least KDP gives a suggestion with a minimum price. You can also set different prices for different market places. Though I tend to have the same price across all platforms. Transparent.
The last step is setting a publication date. Either you want your book to go live immediately or you can set a pre-order date. KDP will proof and approve your script which can take up to 72 hours. Those 72 hours are quite exciting and most often KDP doesn’t need that long before your book is live and available across the many marketplaces Amazon offers.
As for copies, you can order a proof copy to check if the book is the way you want it to be. If not you can change things until you are happy with the result. After that, you can buy your own Author Copies. Publishing with KDP is print on demand and it usually takes around 5 days to be done. If you order your own copies, you will have to pay the printing price, which is fair though, I think.
Readers pay the printing price plus the amount set by the author.
Once all of that is done, the most complicated part begins. Promoting yourself and getting word out there. Once again, I admit that this is my weakest point and that I need your help. If you find me on Amazon, you will see that there are great reviews. And many of them are from people I don’t know. Of course that’s something I like and I am very grateful for it. And I want more of that.
I am convinced that Fire&Rain is the best poetry collection I ever wrote. And it deserves its recognition. Hopefully many readers will agree with me.
In a week, Fire&Rain will be officially released. I have 12 copies at home that are waiting to be signed and sent off into the world. Maybe one of them is yours? The button on this site works, if you want to try it. (The button is on your right if you use the desktop site, or all the way down if you use the mobile version).
I don’t have an agent, or a publisher, or a manager, or a team of creative people to help me with every step of the way. I cannot just write my poems and leave the rest to professionals. I have to do it all on my own. It’s a source of pride. But sometimes it really sucks, that’s why I am very grateful to that one friend who helps me out sometimes. I couldn’t do it without him. I couldn’t make all these important decisions on my own. And, let me point this out: he also wrote the music for WORD THIEF and The Best Pessimist. Both poems can be found on my soundcloud page. All my links can be found in my “about me” tab.
Mark your calendars for July 12th, when Fire&Rain will see the light of day. And perhaps one copy will find a home on your shelves.
Do you have any questions? Maybe I forgot this or that. I am here. Thank you for everything. 🙏
My friend, I saw the tears in your eyes, A storm of sorrow, a clouded skies. Your pain, I felt, your hurt, I shared, For in this world, our hearts are paired.
Though the road ahead may seem so dark, Know that I’m here, a guiding spark. My hand to hold, my heart to lend, For I am more than just a friend.
The burdens you bear, I wish to ease, The worries that plague, I hope to please. Let me be the light that guides your way, Through the shadows, to a brighter day.
When the world feels cold and unyielding, And your soul, it seems, is slowly yielding, Remember, my dear, I’m standing near, To offer comfort, to dry each tear.
Together, we’ll face the storms that come, And find the strength to overcome. For in this life, we’re not alone, Our bond, a fortress, a guiding stone.
So let me be the one to hold you tight, To be your shelter in the night. I’ll be the anchor to your drifting heart, A constant presence, never to part.
My friend, I know the pain you bear, But know that I will always care. I’ll be the shoulder you can lean upon, The light that shines when all seems gone.
So dry your eyes, my dearest friend, For I am here, until the end. Through thick and thin, I’ll be your guide, For in this world, we’ll walk side by side.
###
i have trust issues. I don’t confide in people and I very rarely ask for help. I don’t open up easily. And I don’t take friendships lightly because it is hard for me to make friends. It has always been, but after two friends abandoned me for being too much me, too eccentric and maybe too selfish too, it became even harder. I never regret that these people were my best friends at one time and I called them so. Because it was right at the time. Nowadays both these women are strangers. Both these women kind of broke up with me. Both these women wanted me for themselves. I was not even my own at that time, I couldn’t share anything at all. Some days I would love to know how they are and what they are doing in life. I have to actively keep myself for getting in touch for the wrong reasons. (Which is curiosity more than the want or need to rekindle the old friendships). I drifted off from what I initially wanted to say in just a few sentences. I have acquaintances, I know how to do small-talk and banter. I can be charming and flirty, with men and women alike. But I have very few friends. The above poem was written for my best friend who is having a hard time right now. I don’t have much to offer, but I have my words. I offer them freely to my friends. My friends, like me, becomes silent and quiet when unwell. But I am always there and make it known too. I love you my friend and will always be at your side. Come what may.
by the way, I sold the first copy of Fire & Rain yesterday, through this site. On desktop, you can find the purchase button on your right. On tablet or phone, you need to scroll all the way down to find it.
My new book Fire & Rain will be published on July 12th. We are giving it the final touches to make this the best release yet – writing and editing – wise. Fire & Rain will be the 8th book published (6th poetry collection) since 2018.
Prepare to be captivated by the raw, emotive power of “Fire & Rain” – a poetry collection that delves into the very depths of the human experience.
From the passionate intensity of joy to the profound depths of pain, this collection takes you on an odyssey through the vast oceans of emotion. Each line, each verse, resonates with the complexities of life, weaving an intricate tapestry of heartstrings and spirit-aligning connections.
In the silence of the mind, the whispers of the heart emerge, revealing the human spirit as a living, breathing work of art. Bittersweet and profoundly moving, the verses of “Fire & Rain” invite you to feel the rhythm and rhyme of our shared heartbeat.
Prepare to have your soul stirred, your eyes opened, and your spirit soar as you immerse yourself in the transformative power of this exceptional poetry collection. Experience “Fire & Rain” and let the language of the heart ignite your senses.
PRE-ORDER Fire & Rain NOW from this blog. It’s easy and uncomplicated.
on the back cover of the book, you can find this blurb:
Fire & rain, a journey through joy and pain Emotions deep as oceans, wide and vast, Touching souls, in memories that last.
Complexities of life, woven through each line, Where heartstrings pull and spirits align. In the silence of the mind, whispers of the heart, Revealing the human spirit, a living work of art.
Connections deep, beyond the reach of time, Invisible bonds, in rhythm and in rhyme. The human experience, rich and bittersweet, In every verse, our shared heartbeat.
So let these words, from the depths arise, To stir the spirit and open the eyes. For poetry is the language, where the soul takes flight, And in its beauty, finds the purest light.
Can you believe it? We made it through another year and it is January again. The older I get, the quicker time passes. (and the more impatient I become). This morning, I almost had a fit because of OneDrive and stuff not working the way I wanted it. You see, I don’t use any cloud services and after a Windows update, everything automatically backupped on One Drive. I can’t remember giving my consent to this and I hate it. I am one of those who saves the important stuff on the Desktop for quicker access. So, I went to investigate it all and stop this madness. It almost made smoke come out of my ears and flames out of my eyes. I am not that savvy when it comes to technical stuff. I get by, but I never take the easy way. (Simply because I cannot find it). Anyway… I seem to have found the issue and fixed it.
Sometimes, I wonder “how did I get here?” and then I remember it is because of words. Many many words have left my fingertips over the years. Many different words. And stories too.
Yesterday, I had a message telling me that stories about this author are better or more interesting than fiction. I don’t know. I mean, I consider myself to be rather boring. I don’t do much in my daily life. I like music and films and reading. But after the pandemic, I stopped going to the movies and I haven’t been at a big concert either. I work a job, do a little bit of parenting here and there and I try being a wife for my husband. That’s all there is, really. And yet, there is more. There is also a rich inner life. Dreams and fantasies for the future, a past that is tightly woven in with my mental health. There is poetry in me, and the want to share that part of me with people who appreciate it. You see, there are still very many people who make fun of this writing thing. The stories, the poetry – why? It’s time consuming and in a foreign language. Well, the language is the language of the music that shaped me. The songs that inspired me during my formative years. Yes, yes, I know. My formative years are way in the past. I will be 41 in almost 5 weeks. Am I even allowed to express myself this way? With poetry? With fiction of all kinds? And the line between fiction and reality is not always visible for the readers, what does that make of me? A liar? Someone pretending to be someone they are not? The truth is between it all. There is more to the words you read and there is less too. The way you read them is often a reflection of your own experiences, wants and dreams. And isn’t that the magic of words, of reading, of songs, of listening to stories and music?
I used to be afraid. I used to think that I need to be something/someone special. But now I know, that I don’t need to be anything. I am me. And I am special. In my own right. In my own write. There is a voice on this blog. My voice. Can you hear it? Is it clear or is my lisp too pronounced? Yeah, I am not perfect, not by a long shot. I have a lisp, I snore, I am obese and some days I don’t take a shower and don’t brush my hair. I refuse to do any ironing and I am clowning around too much. Sometimes I am aloof and distant and sometimes I am flirty and demanding. I can’t write without typos or bad grammar and I long for things I am unable to give. My house is never silent. My mind is never silent. And when I get sick, I am the worst patient, complaining all the time.
I worry that writing this blog is pathetic, at the same time, it is something I enjoy doing immensely. And while I gave up many social media sites and channels, this little blog here, this journal of sorts is still active and it has been for many years now.
This turns into a real stream of consciousness – but it is what it is. And I am who I am. Never pretending, always real. There are many people who say this but do that, I am not like that. What you see is what you get. I even stopped putting filters on my selfies – because, let’s be honest, I am an adult. A woman who lived and experienced this or that. I am allowed to have wrinkles, dry skin and bags under my eyes. My grey hair is earned.
But my oh my, time flies. I can’t believe that it’s already January again.
Will you stay at my side while I keep writing words? Will you walk the line with me? The line between fiction and reality?
Currently, I am reading River Dixon’s Colder. I like his poetry – maybe it because it reminds me of my own once in a while? Either way, it’s touching work… Check out his blog: https://thestoriesinbetween.com
Second book on my bedside table is The Shining Girls by Lauren Beukes. I am not far in, I cannot say anything about it yet… So far thought, the writing is good and easy to read for non-native English speakers (like me).
Other than that…
Thank You and Good Night,
Cathy
PS: I believe that a good writer needs to read a lot to understand words and their impact…
reflections of an unquiet mind 