Today is Saturday and I won’t do anything. Think Bruno Mars’s “Lazy Song”. I know, I say that I don’t like Bruno Mars, but I believe that you need to educate yourself in things you dislike. (This post would be written a lot faster if I wouldn’t have to correct every second word because of typos… urgh). Anyway. Bruno Mars… he’s on a level with birds for me. Yes, I have an incredible fear – a phobia really of birds. I read up on them to rationalise or irrationalise my fear, but the smaller the bird, the bigger the fear. And this does not have anything to do with anything. But… lazy song, lazy day.
I woke up later than usual, which is an awesome feeling. During the week I get up at 5am, today I slept until 8.15am. I went to the bathroom and heard voices from downstairs. I was not really concerned and yet, I knew that everyone with male voices in my house was still asleep. I went downstairs and noticed that someone had forgotten to turn off the TV the night before. And that’s how my lazy day started. I sat on the couch and played with my phone while simultaneously watching some thrash TV… Yeah, I like that kind of things to take my mind off everything and anything.
As per usual, I also wrote a morning text to my best friend. And continued doing nothing for 30 minutes. Patrick came downstairs and we had breakfast together. I cleared the table and in his manner, he began doing little things around the house while I got back to the couch and declared that I would not do anything today as I but my feet on the coffee table. I spent 15 minutes finding the right music for the day, then played another game on the phone. (I am maybe too old to play that much, but I have several apps with daily challenges, and again, it keeps my mind off things). I lit two candles and looked around the room. And of course I got up and cleaned the kitchen in depth, put in a load of laundry, swept the floor. Got back to the couch for some mindless scrolling, brought out the trash… and it’s not even noon.
And I noticed, that’s how I do nothing. I put on music, sing along loudly and do chores one by one.
Not doing anything is never an option, although I know it looks like that for my husband or my kids (who, by the way are still in bed… and it is almost noon) because they see me on the couch with my phone. In a couple of moments, I will close my tablet (after having pushed send/publish) and I will make lunch. And this too falls under the category of not doing anything. Because all of what I mentioned is not considered work. I mean, it is. But it isn’t.
And so, I am living my pretend lazy day. And I keep singing. And I keep dancing. And I keep merging stuff on my phone. And I keep in touch with my friends, my people. And I keep myself from overthinking… but at one point everything that keeps my mind off things becomes dull and boring and my mind takes over again.
Something I overthink right now is the blog. It’s December and I have a blog anniversary coming up. 11 years of doing this. 11 years of change and of the same. 11 years. And I keep doing this for me. I like that there are some people interested enough to read my thoughts and my poems and my short stories and all. I really love it. And I love sharing it. Even if it makes me feel vulnerable and fragile sometimes. Even if it makes me feel vain and pretentious some times.
I am not always a nice person, I try to be. But sometimes I seem cold and distant or even uninterested. I am not. I just don’t know how to show that I like people or what they are doing. Like, social media for example. I scroll and read and agree, but I refrain from commenting all that much. Because: who needs my two cents for everything? Why should I comment stuff that does not matter to me personally. My thoughts don’t have any weight in this world. But here, on this blog, they do. Because I trust you. I trust that you know when to stop reading and when to go on. This year, the blog has seen a lot less traffic, and that’s okay for me. I am just sorry to have noticed so many abandoned or deleted blogs. From people who interacted with me as well. I miss their posts and, selfishly, the interaction too.
Yesterday, I also noticed that for the first time in 6 years I have nothing planned to publish for the next year (2024). “Not yet” my person said, and he is right. But right now, I don’t see anything coming up. I’d like to do more with music again. And that photography project is still on my mind too, but I am afraid I am not good enough in either of those things.
Annnywaaay… lazy day. I forgot how to be lazy. I am going to prepare lunch now. Thank you for reading this stream of consciousness. (and it is only a bit passed noon now). I know, my thoughts are never organised, but this is exactly how my mind works. Nothing is embellished or made easier. I think I should apologise for that, then again, I don’t want to apologise for being me. And that’s the essence of what you get on this blog: the most bare and the most authentic version of me. Thank you for everything. xx
reflections of an unquiet mind 