words and thoughts

I happened to browse older posts today and noticed that many people who used to engage and interact have vanished. Some went slowly, not showing up as often anymore until one day, they forgot about this place (or just had enough of this writer), other announced their departure weeks before they deleted or deactivated their blogs. I only know of two who passed away.

It is weird but also normal that we fade out of other lives. Lives change, circumstances change and what once felt important is not important anymore.

I used to write novel-length stories, I know there must be some left in me, but the truth is, I haven’t taken the time to focus on developing a fictional story since I started work in 2016. Between 2012 and 2016 I wrote so much and I had fun doing it too. I had no expectations and just did it for fun and for me. I was more careless in that I didn’t care too much about grammar or plotholes or typing mistakes. (if you read a post I wrote without a typo, mark your calendars, because it is an absolute rarity). I just wrote. I kind of lost that and I think one reason is because I am overthinking too much. You see, back then I didn’t need to be anywhere and my life only revolved about motherhood. I didn’t need to keep an eye on the clock or anything like that; yes, I was freer and my world was a lot smaller back then too. I got up and wrote, then my kids woke up and I spent my undivided time with them and when they took their naps, I went back to writing or engaging with other writers. It’s all that I did. My social life was non-existent. And as I said, my world was very small. I never want to go back to that time. I like where I am now. I like the things I learned along the way and the memories I made. I simply miss how easy it was to be creative and to simply sit down to write.

There were times when I wrote several poems daily, that too has lessened considerably. Did my muse leave my mind? Is my mind not troubled enough anymore? Did I stop dreaming? Did I forget how to put myself in someone else’s shoes? I have no answers to those questions. I didn’t spend enough time with those thoughts to overthink them. They are silent questions, not tormenting ones.

And yet… I try to write something daily, even if it is stupid stuff about me or very short scenes like “Lost in you” was. I challenge myself to find something to say. I want to share words and thoughts. It’s what I do, right? These short scenes are often inspired by music or movies; a sentence I read or heard. I never know what will come out of my fingers when I decide that it is time for a post. I am as surprised as you. The only thing that is always true is that there is music. There is always music in my ears when I write. Sometimes with words, sometimes only melodies, but always music. Inspired by music.

I still write this blog for myself mostly, but it seems as if I am not sharing as much anymore. Is all said about me? Am I boring myself and you?

As I am getting older, I notice that I am fading out of lives too. I don’t engage as much because I keep thinking that most things don’t need my commentary – but comments is a way to be seen, being seen is a way of drawing attention, drawing attention brings followers, and followers bring pressure to give them something interesting to see. And here, my old friend self-doubt shows up: is there even anything interesting about me, and why should I allow myself to take up more space than I already do, and why should I allow anyone to “waste” their time by reading my words? (this word is too strong, but the right one escapes me at the moment)

I am loyal, but I am not constant. I still read blogs I read years ago, but less often. Instead of visiting daily, I visit weekly and catch up on everything I missed. (while I wrote weekly, I noticed that it might also be bi-monthly) and I am sorry that I am not as supportive as I used to be anymore. I could surly find some shallow excuses for this, but the truth is, I don’t spend as much time online as I used to and simply forget to check what others do. I sound so full of myself and self-absorbed. I hate this and I am very sorry.

I miss the old carefree days. I was naive back then and had no idea about anything much. I even thought that I knew a lot about music. I definitely don’t. I know what I like and what pulls at my heart-strings, but I don’t know anything else and I don’t pretend to know good music. Not anymore.

There are people who think that I am still the same. They try to manipulate and get what they want with sweet words and heart emojis. And some times; I allow it. Other times, I don’t. I see their lies. Anyway… they are not worth the words or the thoughts.

Words and thoughts. They remind me of a person I met on a site called Wattpad. I used to share all my writing there, but deleted my accounts (I had one for my poetry and one for my novel-length stories) a while ago. I met many people there, but only stayed in touch with one of them over the years. I think it must be around 10 years now, but I am not sure. I just know that they are in my thoughts daily and every time their name pops up in my inbox, it makes me smile. Who knows what the future brings, but I am very happy they are still around. ❤ I remember that I received messages warning me about them and that they were playing games and all that. I still have to laugh about it because I never met anyone who is more real and true to themselves as they are. And I like. It’s grounding.

As for the rest, maybe there is a time for everything. And maybe some times come back again and again, while others just fizzle out.

This blog has been a part of me since 2012. I had the chance to read many beautiful comments and reactions to my posts, and am I grateful to the people who come by daily to see what went on in my head in that particular moment. Because let’s be honest: everything I write is impulsive and thoughts I have now may be forgotten in an hour. What you read on your screen is a reflection of who and how I was during that precise moment.

Right now, I have a headache and a sore throat, I am tired, but I am also at peace and content. I am in love with my husband, who had a birthday yesterday, and I feel loved by my awesome kids and my friends. My job is a lot of fun, but I am grateful that it is weekend and that I can relax some. I am in a good mental state. And that’s all I can ask for.

Thank you for your presence in my life. Maybe you think that I don’t see you, but I do. I see you.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=96V7olylxyM%3Fsi%3DQXuz9LODeJPMYoBe

_{Remember that your unique perspective and experiences are valuable, so continue sharing them authentically.}