if I sat down to write…

I set some time aside to write. I sat down, got ready, and as soon as my fingers touched the keyboard I noticed that there weren’t any words. The words and thoughts were gone, and I had no idea where they hid.

I sighed and cleared my throat uncomfortably, but there were still no words in my fingers and even less in my mind.

They had left me. They had left me like people left once in a while.

How do best friends turn into strangers? And can a small fight be the end of a relationship? I began to wonder and there were too many thoughts all of a sudden. They were overflowing my mind and overwhelming me with such force that I forgot how to blink and how to breathe. This resulted in a coughing fit and tears streaming down my face. I was a sight to behold. I tried to remember what I was thinking, but as much as I tried, the thought was gone again.

Maybe there was something wrong with me after all. A lack of knowledge how to love and an inexperience to live – or die. Maybe I didn’t have a clue about friendships and relationships. Maybe I was too cold to feel anything. Or maybe I was too selfish and too egoistical. And maybe that was why there weren’t any words left to write.

Back when I was less tired and more forgiving, I had been more empathetic towards everyone. This also meant that I found reasons and excuses for people to hurt or use me and I allowed it. I had friends who liked that and took advantage of that.

I wasn’t a mysterious girl, I didn’t have secrets – even if people didn’t believe me. I was too lazy to have secrets and too chatty to keep them. I could be quiet and silent and I knew how to keep other’s secrets to myself. They weren’t anyone’s business anyway. It was a reason why I would never badmouth anyone after a break-up. They had their reasons, even if I didn’t understand them at that moment in time.

Wait! How did I get here and how do I get out?

The story and the poem I had thought were stored in my fingers weren’t there. I sat there empty-handed. Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. Whelmed. So much was said and too much stayed unsaid.

I wrote it all, painfully aware that the many letters and sentences and words and paragraphs I left for everyone to read would never touch anyone’s eyes. Anyone? That’s not true. But not the ones who need to read what is aimed at them.

I cleared my throat again. Nothing of substance, nothing that mattered pooled on the keyboard. Maybe it was the lack of music in my ears. Maybe it was the hole in my heart that was like a black hole, sucking everything in. Maybe I was a villain without knowing and noticing it.

Does speaking one’s mind make that person a villain? Does calling out a friend make them a bad friend or person?

Whatever this is and wherever it came from, it seems to be my fate. My sentences come out too cryptic to mean anything at all, I thought to myself; this is why they think I have dark secrets.

The truth is: I am just tired to be who you want me to be, dear Stranger. I am myself and if that means calling out your manipulative ways, well, then tough luck. I love and care about you, but I am not a personal ATM and I am not there to support every dumb or stupid thing you do.

There, I wondered. Was there another letter to a Stranger in my subconscious? I pushed that thought away as soon as it had appeared. I had grown out of that phase a long while ago.

If only I knew how be kinder when I needed to be. And if only I had words when I felt like I was born to be silent.

If only and what if…

But I don’t believe in regrets and never did. And I still believe that everything happens for a reason. That people are in our lives when we need them and not when we want them. And that everything we experience is a lesson for the future – good or bad, there is no time and no place for regrets and guilt or shame.

I closed the lid of my laptop, unaware of the words I had just spilled onto my screen. After pushing the publish-button, I simply closed the lid and stopped thinking at all. No re-writing. No editing or proof-reading. I gave up. On myself and everything surrounding me. My mind became blank. As if it was empty. Everything good in me was flowing out through that dark hole in my soul and in my heart.

Fullstop.

💜🩷❤️🖤🩶🤍🧡💛💚🩵💙

It took these 818 words 23 minutes to be written