When I was a teenager, I must have been twelve years old, my grandma told me “you are not worth the air you are breathing”. It’s 28 years later, and those words still get stuck in my mind again and again. Some days, they make me sad. Other days, they make me angry. She told me that she regretted the day that I was born and that I didn’t deserve the space I took up. That woman was the closest to a mother I had because my own mother was not able to be a parent. How can someone say words like that to a kid?
Because of words like that, I feel unlovable most days. Rationally, I know that she was wrong, and yet, what if she wasn’t?
Love was never free when I grew up. Love and affection were not shown in any way. Instead, guilt trips, being ignored – those things happened every day. To this day, I believe that if I care for someone, they will care about me. My childhood and teenage years were about taking care of someone else and thus being worthy of their affection. It never worked out. Never.
You know, taking care of someone is innate. It’s why I have the job I do. It’s also part of why I am a natural mother. It is also why I take good good care of my friends. If they need anything, I am there to provide. Love, food, finances… It doesn’t matter. If I love you, (romantically, platonically) I will do everything I can to simplify your life. I will not ask for much in return, just a moment of your time once in a while, and a bit of affection maybe too. That’s all.
I’d do anything for my kids, my husband, and my friends. Anything.
When will I be able to let go of the past? When does it stop to be part of my future?
The answer is: probably never. Because the past is what makes us.
The past is our future.
reflections of an unquiet mind 
It’s both sad and unfortunate your grandmother’s cruel words still affect you so deeply these many years later. Tragically, cruelty shown toward children often leave scars that last a lifetime.
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