Tag: list

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What i love about life

  1. Love: The deep connection and affection we feel for others.
  2. Joy: The pure happiness and delight that brings a smile to our face.
  3. Compassion: The ability to understand and empathize with others’ struggles.
  4. Gratitude: The appreciation for the blessings and abundance in our lives.
  5. Hope: The belief in a brighter future and the potential for positive change.
  6. Forgiveness: The act of letting go and finding peace in our hearts.
  7. Serenity: The calmness and tranquility that brings inner peace.
  8. Wonder: The sense of awe and fascination in the world around us.
  9. Contentment: The satisfaction and acceptance of where we are in life.
  10. Inspiration: The motivation and encouragement to pursue our dreams.
  11. Pride: The sense of accomplishment and achievement in our endeavors.
  12. Trust: The reliance and confidence we have in others.
  13. Excitement: The anticipation and thrill of new experiences and adventures.
  14. Comfort: The sense of security and reassurance in the presence of loved ones.
  15. Solace: The comfort and relief found in difficult times.
  16. Resilience: The strength and ability to bounce back from challenges.
  17. Empathy: The capacity to understand and share the feelings of others.
  18. Nostalgia: The bittersweet longing for past memories and moments.
  19. Affection: The tender gestures and expressions of love towards others.
  20. Satisfaction: The fulfillment and contentment that comes from achieving goals.
  21. Acceptance: The embracing of our true selves and others for who they are.
  22. Peace: The absence of conflict and the harmony within ourselves and with others.
  23. Wonder: The curiosity and fascination that drives our exploration of the world.
  24. Vulnerability: The courage to open ourselves up, allowing deeper connections.
  25. Resonance: The emotional connection and understanding triggered by art or music.
  26. Unity: The sense of belonging and connection with a community or cause.
  27. Determination: The unwavering commitment and persistence in pursuing our passions.
  28. Friendship: The companionship and support we receive from our closest friends.
  29. Relief: The release of tension and worry after a stressful situation subsides.
  30. Growth: The continual personal development and evolution that life offers.
  31. You!
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Questions

Interesting get to know you questions (source: teambuilding.com)

I love questions and lists. Some are trivial, some are difficult to answer, but they all reveal bits of who we are. The following questions are all quite philosophical, I tried to reply in very short, open, and true manner. Enjoy – you can leave your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to read your answers to these questions.

  • If you could speak to one deceased person for thirty seconds, who would it be and what would you say? I would speak to my grandma, ask her if she was okay and tell her that inspite of her hate towards me, I made it; and also: I am grateful for the role she played in my life. Last but not least, I would say thank you and tell her that I love her
  • If you could travel to the past and change one event, would you? Which one? Why? This is an easy question for me because of my personal philosophy. I try living without regrets which means that I don’t want to change anything; no past event needs to be changed. Every moment in my life mattered and meant something, it all shaped the person I am today. If I changed one thing, everything else would change too, and I would not want that
  • What is the best advice you have ever received? Be kind, everyone fights a battle. Love yourself, because you are the only one out there who knows how to do it.
  • What is the worst advice you have ever received? It doesn’t matter what they think
  • For what in your life do you feel most grateful? I am grateful for my kids, my husband, my best friend, my job and every little success and failure I got to experience
  • If you could change anything about the way your parents raised you, what would it be? Everything, starting from them never showing love, affection to offering support – everything. The only thing I would not change is the way they introduced me to music and that it is a magical place
  • Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Actually, no. When I published my novel I fulfilled my own dreams
  • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? I am not sure. I would continue working and spending time with my kids and husband. Maybe I would travel more to meet and hug the people I met online. Also, I would probably pressure myself into writing and publishing one last poetry collection
  • What area of your life would you most like to improve? My health. It improved a lot in 2022; I also lost some weight, but yeah, that’s something I should take more care of
  • If you could switch lives with any one person for one day, who would you choose? I would love to be a man for a day and also have intimate relations with a woman – that’s very specific, I know but yeah, I would like to be a man of pleasure for a day
  • What is your definition of success? There is not one definite definition of success. But for me personally, it means feeling content and being happy with the current situation
  • How has your perspective on the world changed over time? It didn’t change all that much. I think, I got softer and more accepting of little mishaps.
  • Do you believe that people can change? Yes!! And I believe in second and third chances
  • Do you believe you will accomplish your dreams? I already did. I am not even 40 years old and there is no dream left for me. Apart from one that is still very new and fresh and not ready to be shared yet.
  • What was the scariest moment in your life so far? The birth of my first kid and last Christmas when I had a call from the hospital telling me that my mother would not survive the next 24 hours. I was asked to make decisions about her final hours and that was very scary. My mom, the fighter that she is, pulled through that time, but the doctor said it was nothing short of a miracle
  • What is your biggest regret to date? No regrets, but I should have asked for help earlier
  • Whose death hit you hardest? Without a doubt my grandma’s death
  • Do you believe in free will? I do, but I also think that there is a path that is destined to be walked. We have the free will and choice to do things on this path, but the path itself is paved and there is no choice other than to follow it
  • Do you believe in destiny? Yes. Every person we meet teaches us a lesson or becomes a memory. Everything happens for a reason
  • If you could relive one moment in your life, which would it be? A day in November 2017. If I was then who I am now, that day would have turned out differently. At the same time, if it had, nothing would be the same right now
  • What is your most cherished belief? Everything happens for a reason
  • Where do you think we go when we die? Our Souls live on, I am certain of that. As long as we are remembered, we are not dead.
  • What do you think is the meaning of life? It’s a very philosophical question, but for me, the meaning of life is to be there for others, leave a little imprint on the soul of everyone you meet and share bits and pieces of your personal wisdom with everyone you meet. Also 42! (For those who know)

I hope you enjoyed these few questions and answers… Tomorrow (December 21st) is the shortest day of the year – enjoy every minute of it. xx

Little edit: holy all, there were quite a few too many mistakes and errors I did not see last night. It’s embarrassing, really. Everything should be sorted out now. I apologise. Have a nice day xx

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Stream of (un)consciousness

This December, this blog will turn 10 years old. (On 21st, to be precise). For a couple of days now I have been thinking about deleting the entire content on that day and start fresh. You know, a new beginning. At the same time, I am aware that the blog and me changed a lot since 2012 and it would be a bit sad to push that natural “evolution” away. I like writing these personal posts, at the same time, I wonder if those truths shouldn’t stay offline. Then again, I am not sharing any secrets, I am not writing personal stuff about people I don’t know. Poetry, creative writings like the Dear Stranger letters or many untitled pieces are complete (or 97%) fiction. The music I share is not to review it, it is just to share songs that touch me or took me by surprise that day. These days, it feels as if the blog lost its purpose. And let’s be honest, since I took that job in September, I am in a good place mentally and the inspiration or muse I had before almost vanished.

I used to be a talented writer, that’s for sure and I believe in my talent. I am not blocked for words, that’s for sure too. I am still talented, but I also think that I wrote the same words for years and they lost their depth and their meaning. For the writer and the reader.

Clearly, I am overthinking this. Some things never change.

What else am I overthinking? The year 2022… Here is an sample of a post that I began to write but will not finish…

  • 2022 was a bit of a weird year, filled with self-reflection and also (it sounds weird) self-improvement
  • In hindsight, I feel as if I have been wandering aimlessly for many years. My mental health was bad and worse for years and I was in a fog for a long while. I see clearer now and it feels good
  • I worked three different jobs in 2022. I don’t really like to admit it because if feels like a failure of sorts, but I needed it to arrive at the place where I am now.
  • When the year started, I was working at a foster home for pregnant teens and teen moms. In May, I began a job assisting parents during visits with their kids. This work was court ordered and although I loved both jobs, they felt wrong. I felt wrong there and I missed the work with kids. In September (after a late-night chat with a former boss) I got back to the place of work I had left in June 2021. I work in a different position now and I don’t work at the nursery anymore. Now, I work with schoolchildren. And it is a lot of fun. For a long while, I said that I would not want a job with children of that age – but erstens kommt es anders und zweitens als man denkt.
  • It sounds weird and as if I was undecided what to do with my life but truthfully, I embrace the experiences I made and the people I met. All of them. I am very grateful and many moments of the last year definitely shaped my future.
  • I haven’t written much, and it feels okay. Sometimes I try, but the words don’t really feel relevant or as if they need to be shared. And with that, I mean writing fiction. In 2022, the blog was all about me and my personal development. And here too, I wonder if I share too much and why am I doing it in the first place?! By the way, on December 21st, the blog will be 10 years old. A decade of words and music… We’ll see if I can come up with a post that is worthy of a decade of words.
  • In 2021 I had shoulder surgery… My arm never fully recovered and I still have moments when I am in excruciating pain. I try to ignore it, but as so often, when you want to ignore something, it slowly turns into a monster. That’s an important life lesson, isn’t it?
  • The last third of 2022 I noticed how I became more and more serene. I am not sad, and I have a good life. I have a small handful of Friends and of those there are the very few that I confide in without holding back.
  • I also learnt how important personal boundaries are and how important it is to voice them. This applies not only to the career, but also to matters of the private life. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Not everyone can appreciate this honesty, but it feels good to show that kind of integrity at all times.
  • Another lesson from 2022 (from 2021 actually): even when you know people for seven years or more, a friendship can still and always change. 

I will be 40 next February. That number does not scare me anymore. I was made aware of how much I achieved in my life time, how many obstacles were in my way and pushed away. I am often surrounded by people who are younger than I am. It’s only now that I am beginning to appreciate the fact that I can teach them things – simply because I am experienced in this thing called life.

Life is beautiful for now. I cannot sleep well and being under the weather for such a long time sucks, but the wonder and beauty of life prevails and I am lucky that I have incredible people in my life who are just a swipe of the screen, a phone call or and arm’s length away. My kids are awesome teenagers, funny, intelligent, beautiful. A fact to add to the list: in 2022 i fell in love with my husband again. I did not mention him often because I thought it would keep up some kind of mystery about myself – but I love that man. There is no better feeling that looking in his Green eyes and knowing exactly what he thinks. Or sitting at a table with him, talking for hours (after 22 years as a couple). Or watching TV with him, either sitting on the opposite ends of the couch, or me resting my head on his big round belly, his hand on my thigh…

Nice.

I’ll turn my phone off now. I don’t often turn it off at night, I want to be there (available) for a friend who has crippling nightmares and nightly panic attacks. Sometimes, he needs support and comfort at night… And most often, I am there to provide.

But not tonight…

G’night

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39 for 39

  1. It’s my 39th birthday today
  2. My horoscope said plenty of good things today
  3. And yet, I am grumpy, tense, irritated
  4. The first birthday wishes came yesterday. They cannot wish today, for personal reasons
  5. I was sent out of the kitchen because my daughter (13) is about to make a cake
  6. I don’t really like cake – or anything sweet
  7. I like long baths though
  8. With bubbles
  9. I also like music
  10. I wanted to share a Spotify playlist with 39 songs, but that’s quite hard.
  11. I will put the link to my daily playlist up with this post. Be prepared for close to 49 hours of music (!) (I deleted 4 hours of music today!)
  12. I don’t believe in coincidence
  13. But i kept thinking about my former best friend these last days
  14. And then I saw an opening at a place where she used to work
  15. I will not get in touch
  16. I am not expecting any birthday wishes from my older sister or my mom
  17. I used to write many lists like this, with facts about me
  18. That’s why I am trying to keep it vague
  19. Everything was said at least once before
  20. Or as a good friend said: nothing is new under this sun
  21. The sun is not shining today
  22. I ordered myself a piece of art from an American painter. Lee Zimmerman. I hoped it would arrive today. But – nope.
  23. I was 15 when my mom turned 39
  24. When I was 15, I was in a relationship with an older guy (he was 23).
  25. I caught him cheating with another man. I broke up with him because he lied and denied everything, not because of his bisexuality
  26. In hindsight, I experienced quite a lot already
  27. What more is there to come?
  28. I am longing to see live music again
  29. And to feel loved
  30. But, I am overthinking this “love” thing. How can I be loved when I have no idea how romantic love feels like?
  31. I am not a romantic person
  32. I could be considered to be a bit hard or cold or eccentric though
  33. It’s starting to rain
  34. It sounds vain, but I like to read bits of my novel. It’s a good book.
  35. I am not always a miserable person. I like to laugh too
  36. Last year, on this day, my kids and husband had arranged a surprise visit from my dad and younger sister. I loved it. And I cried happy tears. I don’t want this this year. I want to be left alone and be antisocial
  37. Or maybe not?
  38. I am a walking contradiction
  39. I’m thinking about sending out handwritten letters or postcards again. I did that in 2019 and met great people that way. Strangers who enjoyed receiving a handwritten letter. I like receiving postcards and letters too.

39393939393939393939393939393939

Happy Birthday to me. 🎉🍾🥳🎵

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Facts about me

Taking a page out of Aaron’s blog –> http://confusingmiddle.com and following Paul’s –> captainsspeech.com recent share your blog event, I decided to share some facts about me. Questions are allowed and will be answered. So… fasten your seatbelts, let’s begin this Tuesday with a post about mememememe.

  1. I am a woman
  2. My birthday is in February (8th)
  3. It makes me an Aquarius
  4. I am also an INFP which stands for “introversion, intuition, feeling, perception” and is one of 16 personality types according to Myers-Briggs
  5. I write a lot. Every day. Everything that is not personal and about me is fiction.
  6. I am diagnosed bi-polar and my moods or episodes can sometimes be palpable in my posts
  7. I love music of many genres and like to share things that make me happy – music
  8. I was born and raised in Luxembourg – which is a very small but beautiful country in Europe
  9. i am fluent in four languages and always interested in picking up bits of new ones
  10. some consider me as being odd
  11. at work, I am often seen as laid-back and calm/quiet. That’s just a facade. There is a storm on the inside
  12. I work with babies and toddlers
  13. The only other dream-job I ever had was in drug-prevention, apart from that, I always wanted to work with little kids
  14. right now, I am on extensive sick leave because I have an issue with my shoulder. It should have been resolved a year ago, but it seems as if no one wants to perform a surgery and it is better to be sent from test to test anyway *sarcasm*
  15. I am deeply empathetic, which can be a course. I pick up on moods and sometimes internalise the pain of others – my writing benefits from that, my mental health doesn’t
  16. I am a good cook because I like spoiling people who come to my house
  17. did I mention that I will be 38 this year? Not a nice number. I wonder if it is time to grow up.
  18. I did not gain or lose any weight this year, even if it looks like it on my face. but my hair turns grey and greyer
  19. blame it on my three kids (15,12,10). I love them to bits and would do anything for them
  20. My son will be 16 next week
  21. my childhood was quite rough with emotional blackmail, neglect, and abuse and I had to do things for my mom no child should do for their parent at the age of 6. It influenced my entire life and I hope that I am a better parent to my kids.
  22. when i get very very overwhelmed, I fall back into old patterns and get the urge to cut my skin. I did that as a teenager, then stopped – without help for a decade. Since 2012 it happens again sporadically. (once in 2020)
  23. one of my biggest fears is being rejected and abandoned. that’s why it hurts so much when people become close and start ghosting me – which happens on occasion too
  24. I am a sensual woman and like to write sensual short stories that border on erotica
  25. most of my online acquaintances are male
  26. most of my real-life friends are male
  27. I lost a friend because of that – she counted my followers on Twitter and FB (!) and after a fight she decided that I violated the girls-code (whatever that is) and that I was toxic – I don’t miss her
  28. I have never met my best friend – she is in London and we are in touch daily.
  29. It is easier for me to be authentic and open online than it is in my real life
  30. i prefer to step back and allow others to shine in real life
  31. online is real-life too, I know, but it is different
  32. I published 4 books, they can all be found on Amazon and they can also be bought through my blog, but only one person ever chose the latter option and that book went to Wales
  33. In 2020, for the first time ever, I did a piece of spoken word poetry and it can be found on an official release – a compilation by diy artists – I am a member of a discord channel as the only (?) non-musician and don’t know if I even fit in there – but the creator of the channel added me and I won’t complain
  34. I used to sing in a band and two songs I wrote made it on an album – I was made to leave (kicked out) when hey decided they only needed one singer and it would be better to be an all-male band. I cried and was disappointed, but not for too long. I am still friends with the members of the band. A while later, they split up and went on to have families and careers…
  35. I have been sharing music daily on the blog for a while now. I always start with the intention of only doing it for a month straight only, but to be honest, I like that most don’t know the songs I share and I hope that you can discover your next favourite artist
  36. I like supporting people and I like taking care of them
  37. If I take care of you, it means that I love you. I care about you. I never ask “how are you?” without wanting a real and true answer
  38. I write romantic poems and stories most of the time, I don’t consider myself to be a romantic woman though. I don’t want flowers or jewels, I want the little things
  39. I can be selfish
  40. I think I am shallow, but I am told I am not
  41. can I brag? I have an IQ (official test) of 132
  42. I am horrible with numbers
  43. My life is quite boring. I am home a lot and don’t like to socialise.
  44. My head is filled with boring facts about music, movies and everything related to those two. I just seem to memorise these things
  45. I am a good listener and remember little things about people
  46. last October, I met a Dutch couple I met online. I drove for four hours, spent four days with them and drove home again. I had a weird weekend. It was almost like wellness and yet, it was apparent that something internal was not quite right – I had the urge to touch my fingers the entire time, and one big phobia reared its head – I hate eating in front of people. I was an even weirder version of my normal self. it’s embarrassing, really. I’m sorry.
  47. people step into our lives when we need them not when we want them
  48. I don’t believe in regrets. Every decision I make is the right one in that moment. And if it turns out to be a bad decision later, then so be it. It sounds weird but allows me to be confident about my choices.
  49. I believe in the Butterfly Effect: If one thing was changed in the past, I would not be where I am now – this helps a lot with my messed up childhood and adolescence – because I like my life right now and I like the people who are part of it – even if they have no idea how important they are for my well-being
  50. amor fati – love your fate
  51. I write daily. In December my mentor passed away, without him, you would not be able to read any of my words. I miss him. He liked lists too.
  52. I use social media a lot, but I am not hung-up on stats. But, once in a while I wonder “who cares” and consider deleting everything. Everything but the blog. And for the blog, I do like to see that there are constant visitors.
  53. as I am writing this list, I am sitting at my kitchen table with plugs in my ear. The song that is playing is heavy metal (Kvelertak – heksebrann) and it is hard to sit still, but my kid has an online class and she is sitting here with me – i need to behave
  54. I am not a usual mom – I am often silly
  55. I like sunrises
  56. I like to sleep in – it clashes with the fact that I like sunrises
  57. when I wake up in the morning, I need a moment until I am ready to talk with anyone
  58. I can be very moody (good moods and bad moods too)
  59. The only way I know how to think is to overthink
  60. I am made of emotions but only movies and music make me cry
  61. I don’t like to show my vulnerable and weak side – I try to make fun of myself instead – yes, I am that insecure
  62. powertools don’t scare me. I know how to do many things around the house – I am independent, but I like it if a man takes care of me
  63. I like long baths
  64. kindness, respect, and gratitude are not a luxury
  65. you are always the bad guy in someone’s story – that’s a fact of life
  66. I love spinach, it is my second favourite dish
  67. I don’t like it when someone looks over my shoulder while I am looking at my phone or writing on the laptop.
  68. I am afraid to be judged wrongly – but since I am secretive and insecure, that is often the case
  69. most people I encounter use the word “mysterious” to describe me and even though this has happened for years now, no one has an answer to what is so “mysterious” about me.
  70. I gave up pretending online – I am who I am.
  71. I don’t pretend in real-life, I just don’t show everything
  72. I know a lot of theory about exercising and healthy food – and yet I am overweight
  73. I am quite short (160cm – 5’3)
  74. my wardrobe is filled with black tops and jeans
  75. my best physical assets: eyes (brown), boobs, ass
  76. I am a bad liar and think it is disrespectful to lie anyway
  77. I am easily hurt but I easily forgive too
  78. there is a song for every memory and every situation
  79. one indicator that I am not well (mentally) is when there is no music playing – it means i am overflowing with emotions and cannot deal with anything else clouding my mind
  80. an explosion of emotions – I wish I had come up with that, but I did not. I just use it a lot and the person who said it probably just said it in passing without giving it much thought
  81. my favourite season is autumn (fall). In winter it is too cold, in summer it is too hot and in spring there are too many allergies
  82. always look on the bright side of life
  83. I like art – abstract photography
  84. I haven’t seen my mother since 2016 – it is a conscious choice to protect me, but if I am honest and if I was in her position it would hurt – all my talk about being abandoned and rejected and I am doing it myself – and yet… I cannot change it. I cannot go and visit – even calling her is hard for me
  85. I know my twin-flame. It is not the man I married
  86. I never had any surgery or broken bones and the only X-Rays I had ever taken was at the dentists
  87. the song that is playing now is Billy Joel – she’s only a woman
  88. there is only one podcast I listen to regularly: https://open.spotify.com/show/0ZjcbBn2GdfMosNptBzEkP?si=uXUfwv8oQI2YskABoDD2KQ
  89. I know that spotify is not kind to indie artists and yet it is the easiest way to spread your music these days.
  90. I never owned any apple device
  91. there is a very thin line between emptiness and overflowing
  92. I am not alone, but I get very lonely sometimes
  93. I get lonely because I know exactly who I want to be in touch with but they are unavailable
  94. it’s the expectation that hurts more than anything else – no expectations, no hurt. I tried living without expectations, but it doesn’t work for me – maybe I am too much of a dreamer
  95. I hate video calls
  96. I don’t often use the word “hate”
  97. I am not a negative person, it is just easier to see the positive in other people than it is to see it in myself
  98. I know too many songs, I am singing alone to Pat Benatar’s Hit me with your best shot right now
  99. I have been struggling to come up with more facts since fact 53
  100. Thank you for indulging me – you deserve a big hug.
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Accomplishments 2020 – a small list

  • Published my first novel
  • Working on my next poetry collection – working title “push the clouds away”
  • Started therapy – stopped therapy, I did not feel it
  • Drove to the Netherlands all alone and on my own (4 hours drive) and stayed with a couple I met online
  • Did a handful things out of my comfort zone
  • Said “no”
  • Worked a lot and even though I was not always happy, I was successful
  • Bonded with people
  • Said goodbye to others
  • Made lots of time for music, supporting artists and investing money into my small but eclectic vinyl collection
  • Actually enjoyed lockdown and the time I had to focus on my mental health
  • Did something – or a lot for my pain
    • Acupuncture
    • Dry Needling
    • Subacromial injections
    • Physiotherapy
    • E-stimulations
    • Surgery 97% probable in 2021
    • Agree to be put on extended sick leave
  • Wrote a lot, but not too much
  • Some months, I posted a couple times daily on the blog, I don’t have a lot of reach or many reads, but I felt like it was okay. I understood that I am doing this for myself though I also enjoy that my words are seen/read
  • And because of that, it was the most successful year for the blog – ever
  • (…)
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I woke up, we all do.

For the first time in a long while, I slept through the night. I didn’t wake up as rested as I would have liked, but I felt happy – lighter than I usually do. Maybe it’s because I spoke a lot about my family yesterday. I don’t know. And I don’t want to overthink. Here is a list, I wrote spontaneously, with things that make me happy. Would you do me a favour? In the comments, share one or more things that make you happy. Let’s spread some positivity.

  • Sunrise
  • Standing in the blowing wind
  • The smell of rain
  • A dish that turned out particularly well
  • Receiving mail – personal mail (emails too)
  • Looking at my books and flipping through them
  • Listening to music, singing and dancing along
  • A good book – with a story that is gripping
  • A memory that was almost forgotten and puts a smile on my face
  • Seeing myself through the eyes of others
  • Sleeping through the night without interruption
  • Seeing people I like being happy
  • Being good at my job
  • Hearing a song that touches the right spaces inside of me for the first time
  • Driving with the windows down
  • Seeing plants grow
  • Rainbows and soap bubbles
  • A long bath
  • Feeling loved
  • That look in the eyes of my kids – between awe and she’s crazy
  • Cloud watching
  • Waking up and writing a list of things that make me happy…

Now it’s your turn… What makes you happy or feel light.

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more music

If you use Spotify, take a look at this playlist. It has many many many songs (over 1100 songs to be exact.) It is a mix of what I like to hear and you can find a mix of very different genres. Once in a while, I delete songs that I grew tired of or skip too often, but for every deleted song, there are two added and that’s how the list grew. I hear a song and I add it to that list. I have other private lists, but this one is the one I used daily.

Have fun exploring… and share your thoughts.

xx

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Throwback – it’s the little things

  • Crying during a movie
  • A song that turns back time and carries you to one specific moment
  • A book you can’t set down
  • Tea that has the right temperature
  • The sun shining through trees
  • A formation of clouds
  • A rainbow
  • Thunder and lightning
  • A right pressure on the spot where your back hurts most
  • A child saying your name
  • A child giving you a hug
  • Birthday wishes from people you thought had forgotten about you
  • An evening with friends
  • Hugs (but hugs aren’t a little thing)
  • A song on the radio that you like
  • Your child singing along to your favourite song
  • An entire paragraph that was written without a typo
  • Writing the first words after having felt uninspired for a long time
  • Not setting the alarm
  • Empty plates
  • A decent parking spot
  • One last chewing gum when you thought there weren’t any left
  • A smile from a stranger
  • Giving a busker some money and the gratitude in their eyes when you offer to buy them something warm to drink
  • Old pictures
  • New songs
  • The smell of my pillow
  • Clothes that are still warm from the tumble dryer
  • Smooth skin
  • Even numbers (grocery shopping, gas pump)
  • The scent of my favourite perfume
  • When the hurt goes away
  • Being aware of life’s beauty
  • Not forgetting life’s challenges
  • Sleep
  • Lists
  • Realising that many little things make some big things
  • A kiss
  • A good dream
  • Serenity
  • Thinking without succumbing to melancholy
  • An old voice message that still makes you smile
  • A memory
  • Knowing that everything will be alright (even if it doesn’t look that way)
  • Being present (are you there?)
  • The clock that says 23:09 or 08:02
  • Sunrise
  • Not feeling regrets
  • Remembering a friend who has passed away
  • Thinking of people who changed our lives (I am thinking about you daily lately – are you there?)
  • Notifications
  • Stars
  • I am what I am
  • The wind in my hair
  • The soundtrack of my life
  • The perfect shade of your favourite colour (raspberry or aubergine)
  • A picture that touches you
  • A song that pulls at all the right strings
  • Being understood without the need to explain everything in detail
  • A life in pictures that were never taken
  • Everything and more
  • …
Posted on

101 things I dislike

Throwback to 2016 when I wrote this list. It’s been a long time, and I updated it somewhat — not a lot.

Can you relate?

Without fear of being judged (read: with near panic like fear of being judged) I will try to come up with 101 things I don’t like.

1. The colour orange

2. Flying

3. The cold weather

4. Snow

5. Chocolate

6. Ketchup

7. Christmas songs and decorations in November

8. Waiting

9. Being ordered around

10. People who don’t say thank you

11. Rude people

12. Unanswered questions

13. Lemon

14. birds

15. Feathers

16. The sound of my alarm clock

17. Being tickled

18. Being taken for granted

19. Negative people

20. Emotional vampires

21. Instruments that are out of tune

22. Cocky people

23. Jealousy

24. Drivers not setting the turn signal

25. Wondering if my English is good enough and if others understand what I am trying to say

26. Doubting myself

27. People who make lots of noise when they are eating (!! Important one)

28. Fruit

29. Killing animals – even flies

30. Not being taken seriously

31. People who aren’t getting the job done right

32. Belching

33. The smell of vomit

34. Touching door handles in public spaces

35. Not seeing anything at a concert

36. Payment declined – for no reason

37. Forgetting my pin code

38. Water touching my ears (anything touching my ears)

39. Swimming

40. Crowds

41. Ignorance

42. The smell of cold smoke

43. Sprite or any sweet beverage

44. Anything bitter

45. Having a stuffed nose

46. Being surprised

47. Offering presents

48. Shopping for clothes

49. Animals

50. Meat

51. Saying goodbye

52. Deadlines

53. Gory horror movies

54. Going to church

55. Thinking about negative things

56. Mess left by the kids after eating nuts or grains

57. Jazz

58. Musicals

59. Long fingernails

60. Not having enough sleep

61. Chanel no 5

62. Visiting a home for disabled people

63. The sound of chalk on a blackboard

64. Expensive rents or mortgages

65. Working in a garden

66. Sketching, drawing, painting

67. Pens that aren’t working

68. Coffee with sugar

69. My double chin

70. Milk

71. Hairy feet

72. Star wars

73. Harry Potter

74. Lord of the rings

75. The way eyes itch from allergies

76. Almonds and nuts

77. Bread (with the exception of French baguette)

78. No toilet paper when I am on the loo

79. Autocorrect

80. Forgetting to save my work when I just wrote 500+ words

81. 0 likes on stories or poems I thought turned out great; 21 likes on mediocre poems or stories

82. Questions with obvious answers

83. Gossip

84. Talking bad behind someone’s back

85. Losing track of people who once were an important part of my life

86. Wasting time (mine and the time of others too)

87. Forgetting things

88. Broken promises

89. Being unable to speak straight sentences lately (stuttering, not finding the right words)

90. Dentists

91. Being late (me or people being late)

92. Being intense

93. Migraines

94. Fishing for more things I dislike

95. No network or wifi

96. Social media knows everything about us (bye bye Facebook)

97. Being watched while crying

98. Being stared at

99. Not knowing how other people are seeing me

100. Oranges

101. That I found 100 things I dislike…

Are you surprised? Why? Now, what do you think?

Posted on

Ten years ago…

  • Ten years ago, I was pregnant with my second child; my first daughter
  • Ten years ago, I was on maternity leave
  • Ten years ago, I lived in a completely different house
  • Ten years ago, I was twenty-five years old
  • Ten years ago, my son was three years old and had just started Précoce (after nursery but before preschool)
  • Ten years ago, I had never written a story nor a poem (if it wasn’t for school)
  • Ten years ago, I drove a small blue car
  • Ten years who, my best friend thought it was best to break up our friendship. We reconciled in 2011, and she broke our friendship up again this year
  • Ten years ago, my music collection was only a third of what it is today
  • Ten years ago, I didn’t chat with random people
  • Ten years ago, I didn’t cuss
  • Ten years ago, my English was way worse than it is today
  • Ten years ago, my grandma was still alive
  • Ten years ago, I was happy
  • Ten years ago, I had no idea that one of my biggest wishes would come true… But beware what you wish for…
  • Ten years ago, I had no friends
  • Ten years ago, I lived in a messy house and watched TV all day long
  • Ten years ago, I was still a child
  • If I had known then what I know now… But I didn’t. No regrets.

Maybe life was easier ten years ago. I was healthier, physically and psychologically. I was more naive. More alone. Oblivious to the things around me. I was educated but uninterested. I lived in my bubble, and I was happy that I didn’t have to work. I liked being home and spent hours on end with my sister on the phone. I bought tons of movies to watch. I can’t imagine that life again, although it was a lot less complicated. I like being a mom of three. I love work; especially the job I have now. Writing became a life-breath for me. I am a lot more active and interested. I am opinionated, and if I can be totally honest, I think that my views are interesting too. I am still shy and an introvert. I am hiding in plain sight, making it look as if I am not hiding at all. The 2018/Cathy is a lot more fun than the younger version. Just ask around. What I miss is the carefree attitude I had back then (and my long hair). Every non-fiction post I share these days is accompanied by that nagging voice asking “who cares?!” It makes me wonder why I doubt myself so much? I have a right to claim my place, just like everyone else. Why am I this sensitive and emotional? Why can’t I accept compliments? Why do I feel the need to diminish my successes, my qualities, my oddities? I have an answer, and I don’t have one. The answer lies in my childhood trauma. But is there not a time when we can’t (or shouldn’t) blame our childhood for our damages? Then again, the childhood years are called formative years for a reason.

Would you like to go back to where you were ten years ago?

My own personal answer is: No. Everything I ever did, every choice and every decision, brought me here. And I wouldn’t want to change anything right now. (But a little financial security would be nice too… It’s not nice to worry about money)

Where were you ten years ago?

Cathy

Posted on

I like…

  • Raspberries
  • The colour purple
  • Reading
  • Listening to music
  • Talking about music
  • Knowing my facts in a conversation
  • Lists
  • My job
  • The wind in my hair on a hot and sunny day
  • Taking long baths
  • Driving my car – fast
  • Having a connection
  • Laughing
  • Singing
  • Readers who relate
  • Unexpected turns of events
  • Pleasing people
  • Live music
  • Playing the guitar – no matter how bad I am at it.
  • That state of tipsiness after a couple of beers (not being drunk)
  • Baking and people loving the outcome
  • Inspiration
  • Sitting down and writing something good – effortlessly
  • Foot massages
  • Movie night with the kids
  • Taking pictures
  • Looking at pictures
  • Memories
  • That I am strong enough to not have regrets
  • I loved and I had heartaches
  • Sunrises
  • When that serene feeling spreeds inside my soul – out of nowhere
  • Dreaming something good
  • Sleeping
  • Feeling deeply
  • Having a good cry
  • Knowing who I am
  • Appreciating my worth
  • I held on
  • I will not let go
  • Parenting
  • My kids
  • I am educated
  • I laugh about my own shortcomings
  • I keep secrets
  • Not afraid of telling it how I see it
  • Drilling holes
  • Men
  • Teasing people
  • Humour and sarcasm
  • Understanding where others don’t even try
  • Supporting the people I believe in
  • Vegetables
  • The fact that I am finding so many things I like
  • Evoking emotions with my writing
  • Being me and not hiding
  • Listening
  • Being praised
  • Doing nothing
  • Doing a whole lot of things
  • Not forgetting
  • Not holding grudges
  • I allow myself the time I need when I am not well
  • My eyes
  • My smile
  • My boobs and my ass
  • Reading my horoscope
  • Twitter
  • Artists
  • Beauty
  • My ever growing record collection
  • Being smiled at
  • Being kind
  • My mischief
  • Showing empathy
  • (… And lots more that I can’t think of this spontaneously)

101 things I dislike (written in late 2016 – not everything is accurate anymore)

Posted on

Bicycle randomness

  • I never lived alone and on my own
  • I don’t like fruits, apart from raspberry
  • I work at a nursery and love my job a lot
  • Yesterday, a family member told me how unhappy I am. I was offended. I am not unhappy.
  • My kids are the best thing I ever created
  • I cannot stop writing
  • The woman who got me into serious writing and me, drifted apart. Recently we got back in touch and I love every moment of it because she is such an amazing human being
  • I am 35 and married with three kids. I don’t often mention this little fact
  • My depression was ridiculed by family members, that’s why I don’t talk about it anymore
  • Is a random fact still random when it is in an ordered list?
  • I am a messy person and hate to clean up
  • Sometimes, I am OCD
  • I am definitely overthinking and always looking ways to blame me
  • Autoaggression – it has many different faces
  • I am afraid people don’t like me
  • I try to be kind but I can be bitchy too
  • I like to brag about my music collection, but it is really eclectic. So much so that I bet you that you wouldn’t know half of the artists
  • I can’t be funny on purpose
  • I appear to be too serious, but I am not
  • My humour is dark, twisted, and very nasty
  • I am not as innocent as I may appear to be
  • When we moved house a couple of months ago, I found a hoodie an ex gave to me. My son is wearing it all the time now. I am not sure if that is a good thing
  • I am very tired all the time, but I can’t sleep
  • Don’t send roses and don’t save the last dance for me – I don’t care about these things. I am not a romantic
  • I haven’t cried in a while.
  • I am emotional. And I care. Even about the wellbeing of the people who aren’t part of my journey anymore
  • The title of this post doesn’t make any sense at all
  • I am grateful that I am an open-minded person. I am learning a lot every day
  • I like to read
  • I love spinach and broccoli – I really do
  • I can’t believe my son is already 13
  • I stopped sharing as much on IG because three of my work colleagues followed me there and I don’t want them to see the very real me
  • I hate to censor myself
  • It’s an honour to see when people relate to my writing
  • I am a proud Luxembourger
  • I am a sleepyhead who believes in the power of dreams and reads her horoscope everyday. I don’t necessarily believe in it, and yet, I like to read it
  • In my need to be appreciated, I often agree to do things I don’t like
  • I can’t say “no” very well
  • Most times, I am a good person
  • I am not intelligent enough to read poetry. I often don’t understand it
  • Simple words. Short sentences. Lots of impact.
  • This blog has had more traffic in 2018 than in all the years before. And I love it.
  • I don’t have anything important to say
  • That doesn’t stop me from saying the unimportant things
  • I am good at giving advice – but I can’t follow any advice
  • There is a definite submissive streak in me, but I don’t like to give up control
  • I believe that there is a song for every situation
  • I have been using the username “micqu” since 2011. Before that, I was mysteria. Mysteria wasn’t mysterious at all and the name was taken on too many sites already. Micqu was borrowed from a friend who said that she wanted her first child to be called Miko. Catherine (which is my real birthname) was added when I published my first novel
  • I am an awful writer. I am an amazing writer
  • My favourite perfume is Jean-Paul Gaultier Classique pour femme
  • Cutting my long hair short was a very big deal for me
  • I haven’t seen my mom in 6 months. I haven’t seen my dad in 4 months. I haven’t seen my sister in 2 years. I am not attached to them. I often feel rootless.
  • If I didn’t write, I would be a better housekeeper
  • I am not patient in my private life, yet my patience is praised at work
  • I can only sleep on my stomach
  • I own two guitars but I can only play some basic chords
  • My kids are inheriting their love for music and books from me
  • I burnt my tongue tonight. I hate the feeling in my mouth
  • Tomorrow is labour day
  • This list is very selfish and not very informative
  • I am proud of you for having read this far
  • I am proud of me for not having given up on this thing (the blog, I mean)
  • Too much information
  • I like to look at interesting pieces of art
  • It’s 22:47
  • I know three people who have a birthday today
  • Thank you. Have a good morning; enjoy your day, and have an amazing night.
  • This is randomness 68 (if I counted right)
  • Inspired by @cappytalks Paul is way better at this than I am
  • (…) to be continuing
Posted on

It’s the little things

  • Crying during a movie
  • A song that turns back time and carries you to one specific moment
  • A book you can’t set down
  • Tea that has the right temperature
  • The sun shining through trees
  • A formation of clouds
  • A rainbow
  • Thunder and lightning
  • A right pressure on the spot where your back hurts most
  • A child saying your name
  • A child giving you a hug
  • Birthday wishes from people you thought had forgotten about you
  • An evening with friends
  • Hugs (but hugs aren’t a little thing)
  • A song on the radio that you like
  • Your child singing along to your favourite song
  • An entire paragraph that was written without a typo
  • Writing the first words after having felt uninspired for a long time
  • Not setting the alarm
  • Empty plates
  • A decent parking spot
  • One last chewing gum when you thought there weren’t any left
  • A smile from a stranger
  • Giving a busker some money and the gratitude in their eyes when you offer to buy them something warm to drink
  • Old pictures
  • New songs
  • The smell of my pillow
  • Clothes that are still warm from the tumble dryer
  • Smooth skin
  • Even numbers (grocery shopping, gas pump)
  • The smell of my favourite perfume
  • When the hurt goes away
  • Being aware of life’s beauty
  • Not forgetting life’s challenges
  • Sleep
  • Lists
  • Realising that many little things make some big things
  • A kiss
  • A good dream
  • Serenity
  • Thinking without succumbing to melancholy
  • An old voice message that still makes you smile
  • A memory
  • Knowing that everything will be alright (even if it doesn’t look that way)
  • Being present (are you there?)
  • The clock that says 23:09 or 08:02
  • Sunrise
  • Not feeling regrets
  • Remembering a friend who has passed away
  • Thinking of people who changed our lives (I am thinking about you daily lately – are you there?)
  • Notifications
  • Stars
  • I am what I am
  • The wind in my hair
  • The soundtrack of my life
  • The perfect shade of your favourite colour (raspberry or aubergine)
  • A picture that touches you
  • A song that pulls at all the right strings
  • Being understood without need to explain everything in detail
  • A life in pictures that were never taken
  • Everything and more
  • …
Posted on

But that’s just a tiny part of me.

I forget how to make my legs work. I stumble, I fall. My knees are bruised from polite submission. I can’t get up. Lying in the dirt. Digging my own hole with broken fingernails. Filthy and discarded. Damaged goods. That’s me. A failure. Someone who gave up.

But that’s just a tiny part of me.

I am a fighter. Stronger than I admit or let on. Calculated. Cold. Empathetic. Affectionate. One doesn’t exclude this other. I pulled myself up without any help. All by myself. Damaged goods. That’s me. A success. Someone who never gave up.

But that too is just a tiny part of me.

I know so much about music and movies and actors… And if I don’t know, I do my research. All this useless information that is stuck inside my head.

Voices… I have voices in my head. No, I am not insane. But I talk to myself and create storylines in my head. I think about what to say and work the words over in my head until they make sense. And my stutter got worse again.

Quite emotional… I am rarely emotional. I cried when my grandma passed away last November. I cried when my son told me that I am a bad mother (and when he told me a week later that he didn’t mean the words he said). I cried when I felt abandoned. But I also cry when I hear music. Lyrics get to me all the time. And all of a sudden I am a crying mess. I cry when I see movies or TV shows. Last time I cried was during an episode of How to Get Away With Murder. I’ve been binge watching that show since last Sunday.

Too open-minded.

I don’t like women. The drama and narcissism is just too much for me. I don’t have many friends.

I love my son. We have a deep bond and I hope that it will stay that way. I think, I know a thing or two about him he doesn’t know himself. And when he comes to term with it, I will be there.

I am picky. With everything. Most of all with food and books.

I was so proud that I lost lots of weight some time ago. I guess it is all back and a little extra too. I’ve been neglecting myself. Drank too much, ate too much crap. It will stop and change. I am a stress eater and I eat when I am bored…

I had three weeks off work and my work colleagues sent me messages that they miss me and that they’re looking forward to me coming back. Me too.

I suffer from depression. And the older I get, the more anxiety is added to the mix. I feel useless and obsolete when I am not taking my medication. It has worsened a lot.

Two years ago, right around this time I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am not anymore. Yet, I still feel hopeful right now. As if it is okay.

Everything happens for a reason is such a cliché and yet such a huge part of my life’s philosophy.

Chewing gum. Phone/internet. These are my addictions.

I love vegetables, but I don’t like fruits.

I will never stop to need affection and acknowledgement. Of course I known that I need to earn it. And even when I receive love and admiration even, it is never enough to fill the hollow that has been there since I was a kid.

I didn’t have a nice childhood, but I didn’t have the worst either. And yet, all the events I experienced shaped me into the girl I am now. With a healthy mom and a present dad, I would be a different woman. A man once said I have daddy issues. I don’t know. Maybe he was right.

The most romantic thing I was ever told (spoken directly to me on the phone): “As long as I have cum in my balls and a mind in my brain, I will not forget you” It’s vulgar but beautiful too.

My favourite part of me is my eyes and my lips. I also like my voice.

Sometimes, things start out one way and end another and that’s okay.

People are onions. Layers and layers need to be peeled away to get to the core. And tears are plenty.

All of this is still just a tiny part of me. I am. But you just see the fragments I chose to show.