It was November 21st. The day had been difficult and long, because the day before my mother-in-law passed away. Things went quickly, because on Thursday she passed away, and on Friday we had a ceremony to say goodbye. I cried a lot. I loved my mother-in-law a lot. She had shown me how to be a loving parent, she had never judged me and had accepted me from the start. Back to Friday 21st. Because so much had happened in the last hours, we couldn’t sleep. Patrick sat on the couch with a beer and I sat on my gymnastics ball, bouncing slightly up and down. I was pregnant and my kid was one day passed her due date. That’s right, my mother-in-law passed away the same day my first daughter should have been born. She used to say that she wanted to wait for Giulia, but somehow Giulia needed two more days. If I believed in such things, I would say that my mother-in-law’s spirit went into Giulia and that’s why there is the little gap.
As I was bouncing up and down, we were watching TV. Rambo – First Blood came on and we decided to watch this peaceful film. That was until I felt the first contractions. I took a bath, slept a bit and in the morning hours we called Patrick’s sister to come and be with Ollie for the day. I remember the drive to the hospital quite well. Due to an inheritance, Patrick had had some money to buy a new car. He got the car for his birthday in October. It still had that distinctive new car smell. Enigma had released a new album in 2008 and it was playing on the stereo. Outside it was peaceful. The world was hiding underneath a white blanket of snow. I will spare you any more details but around noon, Giulia was born. I was high as a kite from a painkiller during birth, but as soon as my daughter was born, I was sober and very happy. I remember that I thought for a moment if I was allowed to feel this happy and then my thoughts went to Patrick who had last his mother and now held his daughter in his arms, all within two days. He was distant, but it was understandable.
At the hospital, I had a room for myself. In front of the window was a large tree that was covered in snow and close by was a centre for refugees. They had a snowball fight and it looked like they had a lot of fun.
My thoughts were divided between my new-born and my husband. I couldn’t be there for him. His mother was cremated and he had to be strong for his son and I was not there to support him. He had to go to administrations and all, and I was not there to support him. I apologized to him because it felt as if I was failing him, even though I had just born a beautiful girl with a mop of black hair. She looked like a little doll, all rosy and yes… Beautiful.
The day Ollie met his sister – it was the day she was born, he was sick. I admit, I only remember this because of the pictures, but he also loved her from the start. He was very very proud. He had just started school and now he was a big brother, he was a big boy now.
And now, today, Giulia will be 15 years old. She is a teenager. She has a mind of her own, which makes life often difficult for her. She is very intelligent and clever, something that overwhelmed her teachers sometimes. She has a heart of gold, but she appears to be aloof often too. She is sensitive, a side that she doesn’t like to show. In fact she does not like to show many emotions. Her sense of humour and irony are legendary. And she is still very very beautiful. Her start was a weird one, and it’s true that Patrick needed some time to mourn before he was able to take on the role of a father of two. But when he did, he showered Giulia with love. She was a real daddy’s girl for a long time. Now as a teenager, she likes to keep to herself, she reads or watches Mangas, draws or listens to music.
Sometimes I wonder if my mother-in-law guides Giulia and protects her. It’s a nice and comforting thought.
By the way, we noticed that Rambo First Blood has been on German TV every year around Giulia’s birthday. We have no idea why. (Fun fact: I never saw the end of that film in all those years)
Happy 15th my special girl. I love you.
reflections of an unquiet mind 