Their eyes or mine?

Last Friday in my Friday 5 post, I came to the conclusion that I am overthinking too much and that I wanted to do less of that. Well, it is Tuesday and I am failing. My mind is in thinker mode. And all because of an innocent photo I posted in my Instagram stories.

Monday was a bit of a bad day, with a sleepless night. I was out of bed very early, earlier than I usually am. I straightened my hair for the first time in a long while and it made me feel nice. It’s not too often that this happens and I took a selfie. In a mirror. Add to that a quite cute and funny reaction of a little girl in my class. She came in, looked at me and exclaimed: “Joffer Cathy! (Miss Cathy!) Where is your hair?!?”
It was the first time this school year that I went to school with straight hair. And her reaction was gold. The kids didn’t stop touching my hair.

Anyway, later that day, I posted the photo I took at 6:30 that morning in my IG story with the quote of the girl. It must be one of the posts that has had the most reactions ever. Lots of hearts. Smiley faces from the ones who understood the caption — it was written in my native Luxembourgish. But also a handful of private messages telling me how seductive I looked, or how attractive, stunning, striking. Words I don’t usually associate with myself. Some even flirty.
Now, I know that people sometimes mistake the way I am with being flirty. I rarely am. If I had to seduce or flirt with someone it would be like a funny scene out of a bad rom-com.

But while others see something attractive or striking, I don’t. Their comments don’t align with how I see myself, and that gap unsettles me.
It makes me wonder why my own perception is so far removed from what other people see. I am not very self-confident. I am aware of my obesity, no denying that. I am aware of my round face, large arms, huge butt, dry skin, heavy brows, and so on. And even though I am not self-confident and this might contradict everything I just said, I do feel good in my skin. I like myself. But I am always scared that others won’t. And by admitting this, I make myself too vulnerable.
I am not seeking validation. I just don’t understand what people see in that photo. What am I missing?

And that is where I am overthinking again. I am not wearing makeup, I am hunched over, I am not looking at the lens. My eyes are puffy. My face looks swollen.

And in an even weirder act of my existence, I share it here too. Because I like the photo. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t. I am vain and I won’t deny that.

So here is the face behind the words and behind the music, behind the overthinking mind.