Today was a bit of a weird day. I didn’t feel quite like myself. I wonder if it had to do with the storm that was brewing outside.
We had a beautiful thunderstorm with lots of rain. I love that. But maybe the crackling electricity reflected off me.
Or maybe it was the message in my inbox telling me to stop writing altogether and stop demanding attention.
Messages like that aren’t uncommon. Writing publicly for free invites everyone to have an opinion. But when I’m already feeling a bit insecure, they make me question everything.
By writing about it, I’m giving it power. And yes, I also ask for attention. But I can’t not reflect on it.
I need to write it down. I need to write about the sting that sat with me because of their words.
Some days I think, I have at most 20 daily reads. This is not a big blog with hundreds of readers. So what? Who even cares about my ramblings?
About my use of language? About the words that fall from my fingertips into your screens?
The answer is, some do. Those recurring readers seem to care. And I do. I care. And the person who wrote the message cared enough too.
This is a tiny safe space. For you. For me. For anyone who needs it. Why hate?
Still, today I was seriously thinking about closing the blog and unpublishing my books. Not only because of that message, but it definitely triggered something.
I published nine books. That’s a number, isn’t it? Nine books since 2018. But they aren’t read. They aren’t bought either.
And as much as I stand by the fact that I write for me, and I publish for me too, I can’t deny that selling even a couple of copies would feel nice.
There’s something beautiful about knowing that someone reads your words on purpose. That they chose them. That they saw you.
It’s the same with the regular readers, but different at the same time.
One could say this is a petty post. About being invisible. About not having enough attention.
One could also say it’s human. And I’d agree.
I don’t know. I’m just confused. A bit lonely too.
It’s July. July is a hard month. I’m busy, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not all that well.
I knew this would happen. It always does at the beginning of a long break from work. Some kind of blues.
Recently, I noticed a reader browsing my archives. They brought beautiful posts back to my attention.
Maybe I’ll share some of them again. Maybe I’ll post daily for a while.
Isn’t that typically me? From nearly deleting everything to posting daily in under five seconds.
Reflections of an unquiet mind.
After all these years, the title of the blog is still 100% fitting.
reflections of an unquiet mind 
Wow, someone actually sent such a rude and hateful message to you? Was it by email, and did they identify themself? It’s hard to not let something like this get you down and make you want to quit. And while it would seem easy to just say “screw them” and not let it bother you, it still hurts when this kind of thing happens. I also understand your frustration about not selling many books.
Face it, not many people are willing to make an investment in art created by a writer, musician, painter, etc. I’ve purchased two of your books, as well as books by three other bloggers I follow. I’ve also purchased lots of music from independent artists I follow on Bandcamp, as well as a mouse pad featuring original artwork by yet another blogger I follow. I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back, but only to acknowledge that I’ve at least made a meager attempt to support some of the artists and bloggers I follow. Hang in there, and don’t give up, Cathy.
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Thank you for your kind words.
The message came by email, my email address is in the about me section. I don’t know, it just made me doubt myself so much. It probably would have landed differently on an other day, but yeah, I guess it did exactly what it was supposed to do.
I am the same as you, I buy a lot of music on Bandcamp and supported some musicians and artists on Patreon. I believe in supporting the arts and the people creating it. I am very grateful to everyone who ever “invested” in me. I have a little list with all the names, just for myself, just because it makes me smile to look at it.
Again, thank you for everything you did and do. It doesn’t go unnoticed. ❤️
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