now and then

Now & Then

In 2015, I was a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t know what was coming.

I didn’t know that my worst low was only a couple of years away. I didn’t know that my best friend would pass away just eleven days after that photo was taken. I didn’t know how heavy life could become, or that there would be moments when I would seriously wonder how to disappear. I didn’t know how to love myself. I didn’t know that a life outside my small, familiar bubble even existed. I didn’t know that I would one day love working, or that I’d hold books filled with my own poetry in my hands. I didn’t know that three months later, an email would arrive and quietly shift the direction of my life. It opened a door I hadn’t seen before. A door into creativity, trust, connection, and a version of myself I hadn’t met yet.

There were a lot of things I didn’t know back then.

I also didn’t know how much my past still shaped me, or how much work it would take to unravel the patterns it had left behind. Some days, the weight of it still lingers. It still catches me off guard at times. But I am no longer a victim of it. I’ve done the work. I continue to do it. My past is part of me, but it no longer decides who I am.

Looking at the photo from 2015 next to the one from 2025, it might not seem like much has changed. Physically, I still recognise myself. Same smile, same eyes, same quiet presence. But inside, everything has shifted. I know who I am. I don’t break as easily. I have boundaries now. I no longer shrink to make others more comfortable. I show up, not perfectly, but with intention. And I carry my story without shame.

I was privileged to be able to stay home with my kids until October 2016, when I started working again. Since then, I’ve held six different jobs. I was never without one. I loved being home during those early years. I still believe it was the right decision. I look at my children now, smart, kind, curious teenagers, and I know that time mattered. They are nothing short of extraordinary.

At the same time, I know I couldn’t do it again. I’ve become more restless and less patient. Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s because I love my job so much. Working gives me energy, structure, and purpose. It brought me back to myself in ways I didn’t expect.

People say that confidence arrives after forty. At forty-two, I know that’s true. It didn’t appear all at once, but it’s here now. I feel more grounded than I ever have before.

Back then, I didn’t know.
Now, I do.
And I know I don’t need to have all the answers for what comes next.
What matters is that I’m here. Still learning, still growing, and finally fully myself. And the woman I am now will grow and change in the next ten years too.