you’re still the one 11/19

When Cody was gone, I needed a moment to process what had happened. It was as if we had danced around each other for hours and said the same things over and over again. Work was a welcome distraction. With Ava in her sling, I went from customer to customer and was I a good mood. I liked this work. I had never guessed it before, but it was a great job. Until Gus came in. He strode in my direction with a huge smile on his face. He breached my private space and was ready to kiss my lips, but I turned my head.

“What was that?” he asked with a smirk. “No fan of PDA?” Truth was, I had no problem with holding hands or kissing in public, but after Cody’s behavior I was wary of Gus. I shook my head and stepped behind the counter.

“Can I get you anything?” I asked all business. He shook his head but the smile remained in place.

“A coffee would be nice and five minutes of your time?” he winked. I nodded and made him his coffee. I pushed it over and he grabbed my hand.

“What’s the matter, babe?” There was so much tenderness in his touch and in his voice. It made me dizzy. And that endearment, it had been years since anyone had called me that.

“What happened between you and Cody? He knows something I don’t and I don’t like that.” For a moment he looked deflated, but his smile reappeared again.

“What did he tell you?” Gus asked. His voice was serious now and I took my hand back. I played with Ava’s feet.

“Nothing. He said it wasn’t his place to tell me anything.” Gus nodded. A frown was on his face and I wished it hadn’t been me who put it there.

“There are a couple of things you don’t know and since we only met a couple of days ago, I didn’t want to chase you away from the start.” I squared my shoulders and prepared myself for Gus’s confessions. What wasn’t he telling me? The suspense was almost killing me.

“I am positive.” He lowered his head and at first I didn’t understand. I knew that he was a positive person. He smiled a lot and I hadn’t heard him say anything negative at all. He was funny and witty and… Then it dawned on me.

“Oh…” I didn’t know what else to say. What was I supposed to say? I was glad that I had to make another coffee in that moment. I delivered a cup of coffee and sat next to Gus on a stool. I took his hand and made him look at me. His beautiful pale green eyes seemed tired and sad.

“It’s not something I tell on the first date. It always takes me a lot of nerve to say it because I see the judgment in people’s eyes. I see it in yours too. You wonder if we were safe and what could have happened if we had slept together, right?”

“I did not expect this. Really, I didn’t. But it’s okay, you know. With your meds and the right diet and – I know that you can live a healthy and long life even with the virus.” I sounded like a therapist and scolded myself. “I’m sorry.” I shook my head at a loss for words.

“So, Cody didn’t tell you?”

“As I said, he hinted at something, but didn’t say it.”

“I’m quite the outsider since the word spread.” For the first time ever, Gus looked lost. I wanted to hold him. Not as a lover, but as a friend.

“Don’t worry about it. I honestly thought that it was something much worse. Maybe that you were going to jail or that you would be married in a couple of days. Something like that.” I smiled at him and he smiled back. With a finger he caressed sleeping Ava’s cheek.

“She’s so peaceful. You are a great parent.” It always made me uncomfortable when someone said those words to me, but I was also proud. I thanked him and let silence take over.

“Noel?” I looked up and had a déjà-vu. Cody had looked at me the same way before he asked me out on a date earlier that day.

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, I really like you and I liked the way we were together the other day, but the spark between us was missing.” Gus looked at his fingers. I wanted to shake him and tell him to look at me and tell me again, but I didn’t. I felt guilty and ashamed. Was he letting me off the hook or was he telling the truth?

I grabbed both of his hands in mine. I tried to say something, but the words were stuck in my throat. I locked eyes with him and saw the sadness. Sadness that I had caused. He blinked a couple of times and took his hands back.

“It’s okay, Noel. I know that you belong with Cody. I knew it when I first saw you together. It’s in your eyes. In his too.” I swallowed hard. Gus was a saint. One who was especially good at sinning. I grinned.

“What?” he asked.

“I just thought that you are a saint.”

“I really like to sin though.” He chuckled.

Gus got up from his stool. I got up too. He kissed Ava’s head tenderly. Anyone else and I would have slapped their hands away, but there was something about Gus, something more than one could see on the surface. On a whim, I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him on the lips. Tongue and all. He kissed me back, but then he pushed me away. Not with force, but with determination. And he had been right. The spark was missing.

“You are a great man Noel, but not for me. We could be friends, but…” he left the rest of the sentence hanging between us.

“Friends is good. I don’t have many friends here anymore.” I took everything he had to offer. I didn’t want to let him go thinking that the HIV made me flee. I wasn’t that person and I wanted him to know.

“Listen Gus, I know this is uncalled for, but really, I don’t care that you are positive. It doesn’t change the person that you are.” He hugged me and with a smile, he left.

“I’ll call you” he said just before he left the café.

I plopped down on the stool again when Ritchie came up to me. I rubbed my face and sighed. This day was taking a heavy toll on me.

“Who was that?” he nudged my arm with a smirk.

“That was Gus.”

“Gus, huh?” he spoke the name as if he was trying to find out how it tasted on his tongue. “Nice. Now get back to work.”

“He’s just a friend.” I had the need to point it out.

“Of course he is. You have Cody.” Ritchie began cleaning cups and glasses and told me to end my shift. I tried to say that I was alright and that I wanted to stay, but he insisted I’d go.

Without the distraction of work, my mind was bound to work over-time. Having a baby was time consuming, but she still slept so many hours and wasn’t the most talkative company either. I sighed and did as I was told anyway.