you’re still the one 6/19

Ava didn’t say anything at all of course. She yawned and showed signs of hunger again and so I set is in our routine. For her, that meant eating, pooping, change of diapers and falling asleep. For me that meant taking care of my bills, taking stock of our fridge and daydreaming about men that were so far out of my reach, they might as well live in a different galaxy. It was nice to have seen Cody, but he was sending mixed signals. On one hand, it felt as if he was flirting with me, on the other hand he had just Gus. I had never dealt with the break-up. Not really. Instead of working through it and allowing myself to mourn the loss of my first love – how very dramatic – I had replaced him with Dobson. In hindsight, I think I didn’t really love him. Yes, I loved him, but I was not in love with him. He’s a great guy, funny, smart, gentle, a good lover too, but he’s not Cody. And that was who I wanted to replace. Cody. Except, there is no replacement for Cody and there will never be one. I had to admit it, I was still in love with him. And how couldn’t I be? He was perfect for me. But who was I really kidding. I had changed a lot since we had last seen each other, it would be foolish to believe that he had stayed the same in all these years. I sighed. I wished I could turn back time and be young again. Not that I was old, I didn’t feel old and I didn’t look old. Except for that grey chest hair that laughed at me every time I looked at my naked reflection in the mirror. I shook my head and laughed at my own stray thoughts.

I was time to wake my sleeping beauty or I wouldn’t be able to get her to sleep at night. The sky had cleared up and I decided to take her shopping. As much as I hated shopping, a filled fridge had its perks. I strapped her to my chest and we were on our merry way. Countless women were chatted me up that day. It must have been the single daddy vibe that I gave off. Or maybe it was just because Ava was such a cute little Princess with her big blue eyes that nobody could ignore her. I filled my caddy with healthy and not so healthy stuff when I ran into someone.

“Oh. You!” was the less than excited greeting.

“Hi erm, Gus.” I rubbed my neck and looked up at him. From this close he was actually a good looking guy. He had freckles on his nose and very clear green eyes. I realized that I was staring and blushed a little.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered and was ready to leave, but I didn’t move.

“So you and Cody, huh?” he asked. It was unexpected and I didn’t know what to say. Fact was, there was no Cody and I.

“We used to know each other but that is a long time again.” I said. It was the truth but I couldn’t mask the sadness in my words. I was sure Gus had noticed too. He nodded and then his entire face lit up. He looked around as if he was checking if someone was watching us and then he exhaled.

“We should go for coffee some time. I mean, you’re tied down with the child and all. I would like to get to know you.” Now that was not what I had expected to hear from just Gus. My hesitation to answer made him paddle back. “I… um… this was a bad idea… never mind.” He turned around and left. I stood still for a moment and then I made up my mind. Maybe it was time to leave the past – including Cody – behind.

“Gus?” I called out and he turned to face me again. “I would love to.” He smiled and yes, he really was a handsome man. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses and made a date for the next day after my shift at Ritchie’s. I was excited, but I also felt guilty. What if he wasn’t just Gus to Cody and I now had a date with his boyfriend? I decided to push those thoughts away. I could let them eat away at my conscience or I could just let life happen. I decided for once to go for the latter.