There you are

There you are, my friend. I almost missed you. Almost. But not really. I was afraid that you would be back and cover me with your grey veil. And I was right. You can never leave me. We belong together; you and me. I knew you’d be back, that’s why I enjoyed every day without you. I made the best of my carefree days. But I feel your pull. It’s strong. I cannot say if it is stronger or weaker than it used to be… But that’s not important. I am too tired to fight you. I am too tired to play hide and seek with you. At the same time, I am also determined to not be submissive and accept the way you want to take my power away from me.

I know, people will say that it’s the change of seasons. It’s the rain. The clouds. The time off work. They will roll their eyes and say: she’s at it again. Whatever they can find to put the blame on. But you are not SAD. You are my disability. You are what paralyses me and makes it hard to get out of bed. You are what makes me forget my personal hygiene because brushing my teeth takes too much energy from me. You are what makes me eye knives and cutters and remember the ways I used to hurt myself to cope with the feelings you imposed on me.

It’s hard to understand ADD and it is very hard to explain it to people as it is different for everyone affected. But the ADD is part of your charm, isn’t it?? It is part of why you come back again and again. Even if I don’t want you here. I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t want to be in pain. I don’t want to hurt myself.

It’s cold here, and the emotions in my belly are threatening to leave through my eyes. Never through my mouth. There is no voice in me when you are there. There are no words. Only silence. And it is the loudest scream you’ll never hear.

What can I do to escape you? Where can I hide when I know that you will always find me. I cannot run away from you. You are my cage. I love you, set me free.

There is nothing I can do. If I’ve learnt anything it is that I need to let you happen to me. I need to allow your presents and your presence and make the best of it. And when you are here, clinging to my skin, like a parasite to my thoughts, I need to take care of my self. Because no one else can. It’s all in me. I can shower myself in kindness. I can be nice to myself and go easy on me. I am sure I can do it once you decide to leave again. And I know, even though right now the grey is threatening to turn into black – a black hole, I know that there is a sunrise to watch tomorrow. There is new music to hear. There are reasons to laugh out loud. But not tonight. Not when your grip on me is so tight. Not when I am dreading the dreams and nightmares you bring at night.

I’ll fight a silent battle until I am back to who I am. A shining star in my own right. In my own write. Most people won’t even notice that you are visiting once again. My mask is in place. If they can’t see it, it is not there. I am not there.