40 for 40

1. It’s my 40th birthday
2. I was looking forward to it, but right now, I feel a bit off (it’s only a bit after midnight, maybe I am just tired)
3. A lot has changed since my last birthday
4. I changed jobs two times
5. I shouldn’t be happy about this but I am
6. I love my current job, at the same time, I am happy to have a week off
7. My current jobs sees me working with kids (ages 7 to 12). It’s interesting, never a dull moment. I only started in September, but already, my bosses made me the pedagogic leader for everything involving homework. I am part of two different work-groups linking eductors and teachers, and I was asked to re-activate our Makerspace (a colleague used to take care of that project but he has been on sick leave for months and will be for the foreseeable future). My bosses tend to forget that I am one of the “new girls” too when they are complaining about them not being motivated and not working properly (not knowing the names of the kids, shying away from doing anything that requires reflection and empathy towards parents….) A couple of times now, my name was dropped with three others as being the ones who shoulder the load of our 208 kids. (we are a team of 20 people)
8. At a training yesterday, there were a couple of weird situations and I stood out. In a good way, I think but it made me feel awkward. The training was about inclusion of different cultures and religions into the daily work. Apparently, I have a lot of knowledge… I am aware that I am not stupid, but it feels weird to be singled out as being clever, intelligent, knowledgeable (and it happened often these last few months.) Sometimes I wonder if people are stupid and underthinking life and the logical consequences of actions
9. This Friday (Feb 10th) my poetry collection “Word Thief” will be released. I have three large boxes with faulty copies at home because something went wrong at the printer’s. Proof copies looked fine though. I will number these copies and embellish them in my most creative way, then sell them anyway or give them away. I can’t send them back and they had to be paid
10. No one has pre-ordered their copy yet
11. I teamed up with a British musician who offered to write music and narrate one of my poems. It’s probably not finished in time for the official book release, but it sounds beautiful. I wish I could share it with you, but – not yet. We need to be patient. At first, I was supposed to narrate the poems myself, but let’s be honest, it sounds better when he does it
12. Yesterday morning I watched the sunrise for the first time in a long while. The colours were beautiful. I forgot how beautiful a sunrise can be
13. I cut my hair, a lot. No one noticed. That’s what happens when your hair is long
14. In a weird way, I am a lot happier than I was last year
15. I am not running or drowning anymore. I exist and breathe
16. I still have bad days, but they are a lot fewer than they used to be
17. Are people always this negative or do I pick up on it more?
18. I have been very self-absorbed these last few weeks. Not because I am selfish or an egoist (which I can be on occasion too), but because I am looking after myself more and that also implies being less online or sharing less online
19. I am tired. Very much so. The moon is bright and shining inside my bedroom window. It’s illuminating the dark, guiding my way into a new year
20. For the first time ever, I am throwing a party for myself. Not a dinner party, like I do for birthdays, but a party with a caterer taking care of the food, music and lights and drinks and all that. I feel so far out of my depth, it’s not even remotely funny, it gives me anxiety
21. I miss my sister (my older sister) I invited her for the party, but she did not react and didn’t acknowledge the invite when we spoke on the phone a couple of times afterward
22. I try to teach my teenies how important family and roots are. Maybe because I don’t have much of it, it is even more important for me that they appreciate what they have
23. I am not as lonely as I was months ago
24. I love being married to my husband. He does not always believe me, but I really love him. I am not complete without him
25. We have a new couch, it’s slightly larger than the one we had before, but we are cuddling a lot more on it than we did on the old couch
26. I love putting my ear against his big round belly while watching TV. Usually, he casually rests his hand on my hip
27. In 2023, I watched a film or TV series almost every night
28. That said, we also re-introduced game night with the kids. It doesn’t need to be long games or complicated stuff, but playing cards is fun too and allows us more time together
29. I have wonderful kids, but the older they get, the more we are living like roommates and not as parents with their kids and that’s why game nights and dinners where everyone needs to be there and stay at the table until we are done are so important
30. Music is not as important for me right now than it used to be, even though I bought a bit of music this year already: VV – neon noir, Port Noir – cuts, Hammock – Love in the Void, James Walsh – coming good, Pil & Bue – special agents (pre-order, will be released by the end of the month), The Cult – Love (pre-order of the re-issue – to be released on the same day as the Pil & Bue album)
31. I don’t believe in coincidence.
32. Last year, I gave a lot of my clothes to charity. There was never a lot of colour in my wardrobe, but there is even less now. I have a few colourful dresses, but most of my clothes are black
33. I bought wireless Bluetooth headphones, I don’t need them at all – it’s money I spent that I could have kept for something else
34. I will be introduced to the dictionary of Luxembourgish authors. I only need to send them copies of my books and they need to fact check my interview. They approached me – truth be told, I did not know it existed until they got in touch
35. I am smiling a lot these days
36. My best friend is a man. I owe a lot to him and I am grateful that we can share everything and anything. Even silent moments don’t need to be filled to be comfortable.
37. Most of this list starts with “I”. I don’t like that at all
38. It’s unreal that I am turning 40. When my mom turned 40, I was 17 and already in a relationship with my now-husband
39. I love the way he smells
40. 40. Thank you for having spent another year with me. It matters. You matter. I wrote the words, you read them and allow them to be meaningful (for not). Thank you!

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