MS

My mom has MS (multiple sclerosis) and as dramatic as it sounds, that illness ruined my childhood, my adolescence and parts of my adult life too.

Clearly, she is and was affected a lot more than me, but to me, it always seemed as if she resigned to her fate and she did not fight. And because she did not fight for herself, she also didn’t fight for her children. And I took it upon myself to do all the fighting. And I tried to challenge her and everyone around on a daily basis. I wanted her to do something, to try the things that weren’t easy on her own; instead she demanded everything that was remotely uneasy or complicated or anything were she could fail when first trying was done for her. ‘Try it yourself” I would plead. “I can’t” she would answer. And already my grandma would be yelling at me for not helping and being lazy or whatever…

Taking care of my mom’s personal hygiene from an early age on has taken a heavy toll on me. I want to deny it, but I can’t. I was doing everything and anything to earn some kind of affection, but I never received any of it. Instead, I was emotionally blackmailed and abused, called names, and so on. “You are not worth the air you are breathing” “You are too stupid to really kill yourself” “You are a waste of skin”. Those still float in my head on bad days.

There are several actresses who were diagnosed with MS too. Reading about it always triggers something in me. Memories. But also envy. Jealousy. I grew up with an ill mom (I’ve never seen her walk or stand on her own, she never did anything motherly for me or my sister…) and it was so so hard. It still is. There is definitely some unresolved childhood trauma there…

Anyway, these actresses have a positive attitude and speak up and out, and all. Some days it makes me angry because what they are sharing is very far removed from the things I experienced myself. Then again, progress was made in researching MS, and let’s not forget that money can buy better care than being poor. It’s really my own personal issue with it all, I guess.

It’s good that people like Christina Applegate and Selma Blair are visible. I really think they can give hope to other patients. And yet, I feel triggered, hurt and sometimes even angry when I read interviews or articles. Because their reality was never mine. Yes, jealousy.

Where was my mom’s support system? Why did they allow and encourage her to give up on herself? I am an adult woman with a family and a life, and my mother’s illness is still at the roots of many of my mental health struggles.

I wish it wasn’t so.