I have not written a blog post on a while. But why?

There are several reasons.

I used to share a lot about me. But all is more or less said, these days.

I used to share a lot of music. But I listen to the same music over and over again. New music that throws me is quite rare these days, and sharing the same artists again and again is rather boring. For me and for you.

I used to share a lot of poetry and writing. I haven’t written any poetry or fiction in weeks. There is nothing to share.

It’s been 2 months now that I am taking my antidepressants. Do they work? I think they do. At the same time,I am still overthinking and I am still often feel like a burden. But for a while, it was easier. A lot easier.

This week has been hard for me. Rough and tough. I experienced emotions that I had not experienced in weeks/months. Suddenly, I felt like crying again when I woke up in the morning. Suddenly, getting up was hard work again. Suddenly, those intrusive thoughts of driving my car into a wall were back again. And because of all this, I lost my ability to speak to my friends and reach out. I became too self-conscious to reach out. As a result, my best friend felt that something was wrong and thought it was him and a vicious circle was almost set in motion. we stopped it in time…but me being unable to speak and voice what is wrong – that’s never making any relationships easier.

I will be 40 in a couple of months. It took a long time to understand myself and realise that many of my issues are related to my ADHD. It is what it is. It will never be easy and many days it feels as if I am fighting windmills… But for now, I always won every fight.

Maybe I lost the ability to fight and to write, but I am still here and I am trying to keep going. Some days, it is just very very hard. And since I refuse to dump too much on my friends, life can be quite lonely some days…