I admit, I had a bad day today. Once the kids and husband left the house, I went back to bed and slept until noon. I did not make the beds. I did not have lunch. And I did not take a shower. I existed. That’s all I did. I went through Thursday’s motions until the kids were in bed and I was on my own. (Hubby wasn’t home). I opened a bottle of wine and drank it all. I watched a handful of episodes of a TV show and I blew off two friends who tried to talk. I couldn’t. I had to be on my own for a while. I didn’t overthink. Maybe I was barely there. A bit more numb than I usually am.

Not all that long ago, I told a friend that I suffer from depression. At first, they took it well, but after a while, they said that I was not acting depressed. I didn’t seem sad enough. Oh and… Happy thoughts cure it all, of course. I wish it was that easy. Most days, I am well enough to live my life comfortably. Some days every move and every thought is a struggle. Saying and admitting that you suffer takes a lot of courage and strength. Being belittled destroyed months of progress.

So yes… I admit, I had a bad day today and I did myself to hide and rest. Tomorrow will be different again. Tomorrow is my double shift at work. It will be a challenge. And I will be hungover. But I will survive and I will have a smile for every parent, every colleague and every child. That’s who I am.

There’s a Luxembourgish song with a line that says: Catherine can smile for hours. That’s what I will do.

And because I was in my shell, I did not write anything for the novel today. Which, of course, bothers me.

Thank you for letting me rant. Thank you for giving me space. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable.

xx

Cathy