Changing moods

A moment. A smile. Changing mood. Maybe.
I had a rough time lately. I can never really explain what is happening, but a dark mood rolls over me and captures me. I feel trapped. In my life. In my body. And all I want to do is run. Fading. Vanishing. Not being there. But I am there. And I need to live life even if it is hard to get up each morning. Even if I feel no joy in anything, not even my family that I love so much. And I want to scream, but there is no sound. And no one to hear my silent screams. Am I a master of disguise? I don’t think so… But I am stressed all the time and it’s easy to deflect what is really happening inside. And how could I reach out when I don’t find the words or thoughts for it myself? I suffer in silence. And there are days when I can’t do life. I just can’t. But I must. And so I keep giving and I keep exhausting myself and I keep neglecting what shouldn’t be neglected. My own health. My own well-being.

Often, it doesn’t take much to get up and pull myself out of these deep dark holes. A good day or something unexpected can make me see that it isn’t all that bad and that maybe life is better and less confining that I think it is. Because, it is true. It is.

There are all these things that are happening and that are in my favour… It’s just a matter of appreciating them; seeing them.

I don’t see a single tree in a forest.

I wonder if this is depression. It sounds like it… Maybe I am just bored? See… That’s something I am worrying about. What if I have this mental illness in me and I am too afraid to see a professional? What if this is just normal for everyone and they call it boredom?

There is definitely something wrong with me. I do like my moods… I mean, there is not much choice. It’s me. It’s in me. I think a lot. Too much? I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t get my thoughts straight at the moment. Maybe I should step away for a while.

Friday night was amazing. I thought the dark veil would lift. It didn’t. I am still not well. And I feel abandoned with this. I am expected to function. To be. To live. And to be happy. But I can’t be. And I don’t know why…

Maybe the same person who found the light in me in September 2015 switched it off when he left a year later in September 2016. Maybe he broke me. But it would be too easy to blame someone else. It is me.