I had a (for me) quite intense and interesting discussion yesterday with someone via twitter. This man posts a lot of quotes and most of them are really good and I agree, but some of them are… I don’t even know which word to use… not for me?!
I don’t automatically like a quote because it is attributed to Buddha, but many people seem to do.
He said, that he is a big enthusiast of the eastern philosophy and Buddhism and I agree, that it’s a very interesting take on life and spirituality. I don’t live under a rock and even though I don’t like talking about religious beliefs, it’s a topic that makes me think a lot.
I grew up in a catholic house. We went to church every Sunday and every Holiday. I was an acolyte (is that the right word? The only equivalent I found in my dictionary is altar boy and I am clearly not a boy!) for a very long time and sang in the church choir as a child and teenager. I went to a catholic private school for girls (in America, that school would be called a highschool), where we had nuns and priests (not many and still) who held classes. A nun was our headmaster. We didn’t have uniforms, but we had rules. No short skirts, no sleeveless tops and no cleavage. It was of course a time, where I was confronted with Christianity, the bible, God…
The moment, I started to realize, that Catholicism and Christianity is not for me, I turned to the opposite – Satanism.
I see people with eyes big as saucers now looking at their screens, but please, read on…
What I found in LaVey’s bible (the Satanic Bible) was something the catholic bible never allowed me. Power over myself. Being proud about who I am. Standing up for my beliefs. Not being pulled down by negativity. And it worked. I was a withdrawn teenager, feared by many girls in my school (as I learned later. I still makes me grin.) but I was strong within myself. I had a lot of crap at home, when I grew up. I mentioned my mom having MS and how we lived with my grand-ma, who basically blamed me for my mother’s illness. Our father, who took the easy way out and left… My mother couldn’t and my grand-ma wouldn’t love me and I was in so much need of love. I still am. I am in a constant search for love and I know, that in my constant search, I tend to oversee those who are near and love me… but that is an other issue.
Satanism helped me escape that and build walls to not let it through. I learned to compartmentalize, if you want to name it. With these people I am like that, at home I act like this and so on and so forth. I learned to wear masks.
Let me just quickly tell you, that I am not someone who roams cemeteries at night. Never did. I think cemeteries are a place of respect. You should respect the dead and their legacy. I never killed (or hurt) an animal or took part in a ‘black Mass’. I never drank blood or what other horror stories you hear. I was never part of a sect. I did it for myself.
But it also wasn’t enough. I let go of it and allowed myself to look for an other belief, an other faith.
A lot of people believe a lot of things that are said in religions (any religions) blindly. And that is the hard part for me. I question everything. Think about it and digest it and sometimes, I simply don’t agree.
Buddhism seems to be the belief that is the closest to my mentality and still… I can’t consume it blindly. If and when I offer myself to a faith or a belief, I think I should be able to voice my disagreement.
I am not sitting in the dark anymore. I am not crouching behind a wall anymore, to hide away my thoughts from the outside world. I don’t want to play dumb anymore. Satanism says: be superior to every other being you meet. That’s not it either. It’s not right! We should be equal. Who has the right to judge you and say you are a lesser person? No one. Not even you yourself.
I asked the person I had that discussion with, if he prays and he answered with ‘yes’. It came across as a strong and decisive ‘yes’ and he asked me in return, if I pray. I took a moment to answer, because praying, as it is ingrained in my mind, is about kneeling down, folding your hands and asking for forgiveness for your sins from Jesus. But I realized, that once I let go of that thought, that yes, I do pray. I ask for guidance and advice, (for signs if you want) from a higher power. I am not sure, if someone hears it though. I also share my thoughts with whoever or whatever guides us on our ways.
But I don’t want to follow something blindly, unquestioningly.
What I can say is, I am not an atheist. I believe… the question is, in what… in who… I believe in nature, I believe in cosmic signs, I believe in fate, I believe in humanity (even if it is very hard some times), I believe, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time in my life, I believe in dreams, I believe in soulmates…
I thought a lot about that brief conversation. He says, his purpose is to spread happiness and show the beauty of this world and that’s what he does.
But what is my purpose?! Is my purpose solely raising my kids and those of other people (since I am a kindergarten teacher)? Is that my ‘calling’. It’s true that I knew from an early age on, that I want to do that. What about the music? Isn’t that my calling? Spreading the music to the world, pestering people with music I think is powerful, who others think it’s crap? What about my writing? Is it the waste of time, my family wants to tell me it is? Or is that my calling?
Am I over-thinking?!
Is it really that bad, if I create my own believes, picking the facts that suit me the most from different faiths? Instead of following the strict path of one religion?
In the end, the only certainty I have, is that I believe in me, in my worth, in my talent and I follow my gut-feeling. Maybe that is just the way I am supposed to live?!
reflections of an unquiet mind 