Tag: fictional diary

Posted on

Dear diary 5

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary,

How weird is it that I always start the same way? I could be more creative. But I am not.

It was a quiet day. The usual. Work. Home. Wondering what life is all about. Seeing all the chores but being unable to tackle them. TV in the background for some company. I ignored by my brother’s phone call. I know I am weird. I complain about being lonely and alone, but when someone wants to connect, I push them away with all my might. I love Kev. But he only knows half of me and after a day of masking at work, I cannot mask in my social life anymore. I lack the energy. I simply let his call go to voice mail. Maybe he thinks I am on a date or out for dinner with the girls.

There are no girls, but he doesn’t know that.

Sometimes I wonder if people see or smell on my skin that I used to be happier, that I used to be married. Do they smell the failure? I don’t want to think about it.

These last days I am in a funk. I am going down memory lane too often to ignore that it doesn’t do me any good. There aren’t too many happy memories and there are too many things I would change if I could make it all over.

No one ever tells you how it is, being a woman my age without children and without a man. I get the occasional sneer when I out my social status, but nothing much. It’s different for Kev. He is a man and he has a fiancée and two kids. No work though. Which must be hard too.

I need to go grocery shopping. It takes energy to do that. I should prepare myself a nice dinner and lunch for tomorrow at work. Maybe a bath would be nice. And a meditation before sleep.

Yes, I should try that.

ADD:

I made lunch, but ate a half pack of crisps for dinner. The bath was great. Very relaxing. I got to release some tension too. My fingers still know where to touch to make it good. I am tired and can’t find my headphones. I am just adding this as a reminder to eat healthier. I should buy healthier snacks.

Whenever I think about healthier eating habits, I also wonder why I should put in the effort to look nicer and thinner. Then A very small voice whispers: do it for yourself.

Perks of living on my own? No one cares about wet towels on the hardwood floors, no one cares about air drying my less than perfect body. It’s a little bit of freedom.

But where are my headphones?

Posted on

Dear diary

From the fictitious diary of a young woman

Dear diary,

Today, I have spent my day sleeping, reading and watching TV. I did not go outside. I did not breathe in any fresh air. I love these nothing-days, and yet, they make me feel guilty. We know that I don’t have any reason to feel guilty. I am alone and I don’t need to answer to anyone. But I was raised differently. Seeing the laundry that needs to be folded or ironed, eating like a teenager, those things are not what is expected of a grown woman.

I felt lonely today and there is not much I can do about it. I tried to get in touch with Fred. But he has his own issues. Mostly money again. I am not willing to support him financially anymore. We are not a couple anymore. And I think getting in touch with him when I am lonely is like muscle memory – turning to the one I know. A comfortable move. Rationally I know that it is stupid. That I am stupid. But the mind is not rational, we both know that.

It’s Sunday night and I should prepare my overnight oats for tomorrow and maybe a salad for lunch for work tomorrow. But as so often these last times, I lack the energy and the motivation. I have to do it anyway or I will eat a bunch of unhealthy stuff again.

During a nap, I had that dream again. Of me being married and pregnant. I wonder what this means. I don’t have any intentions of ever marrying. And there is no man in my life who would be possible marriage material. And a kid? I can barely take care of myself, having a kid of my own would be the worst idea. But maybe I would be less lonely?

I’ll go make my lunch. And watch an old film. I like old films. Their pace is different. Their stories are different.

I really need to find a hobby or something. Sleeping the hours away when I am not at work cannot be healthy. But what do I know?!

What do I know indeed?!

###

I have been playing with the idea for a while. The diary style writing. Obviously, this is not about me, but maybe there will be hints of me here or there. I want to make this a personal challenge. If I can write an entry every day until work starts again mid-september, it would be a success. We’ll see how it will go.