Is life more comfortable for people who believe in a deity? I wonder about it once in a while. A have a very close friend who shares all these sayings about Jesus and God, and I just can’t relate.

Mind you; my upbringing was very religious. I went to church from an early age on; was an altar boy (girl). I sang in a choir. I went to an all-girls private Catholic school.

At one moment, I grew out of religion, I believed. I prayed. But my miracles didn’t come. Not even in disguise. I tried to find God the way I was told to in church and in school. Maybe I was blind? I couldn’t find anything or anyone that guided me or made me feel safer. And so I moved on and went on a quest.

I read Anton Szandor LaVey to rebel. And I found some thoughts that appealed to me in his writings and essays. For a while, the books were like a shield I help up in front of me. “Don’t mess with me; I know satanism.” It kept many people away from me. Add the constant earphones plugged in, and you get why I was an outsider. I didn’t feel the need to fit in. I was superior to them, and more educated too. Because I chose to read whatever I could get my hands on. I didn’t talk unless I had a valid argument to make (or a teacher asked something). I was polite and kind, like I am today, but very distant.

I moved on from the satanism because I didn’t like the angry attitude. I listened to angry music too at that time. Until I discovered how stupid and closed-minded most of those bands were and they kept spewing their ignorance and hate. I am not an angry person. It’s an emotion I am not all too familiar with. I am not a stupid person either. New music found me. Inspiring and beautiful. Positive. For the first time in my life that something positive crossed my path. Astounding that it was music. Then again, it’s not really a surprise. (Not for those who read this blog more often)

On my journey, I discovered Buddhism. And studied it for a while. From everything I tried, this is what is closest to me. But I am not a Buddhist. I learned a lot about how to treat people with kindness, about being grateful, and about taking care of the environment. I don’t meditate anymore. I am too nervous inside to sit still.

Did I ever mention that I cannot sit still? I am told that I exude calm, but I can never sit still. Something is always moving (my legs, my fingers, my mind)

So here I am. Today. Living across from a church without any drive to ever go inside. And I am a bit lost on my way. (Again)

I am wearing onyx beads, for calm. I am wearing my pentagram around my neck to keep evil spirits away. And I am not even that spiritual. Okay, I read my horoscope, and I believe in the power of dreams, as well as in the power of positivity. But I don’t consider myself to be spiritual.

And I wonder… If I believed in God, would it be easier to cope with whatever life throws my way? But I can’t. I can’t believe. My son has a hoodie from the boy scouts. In the logo is a cross. And it doesn’t soothe me at all. It makes me angry… For no real reason. I can acknowledge that being informed about religions is general knowledge, but I can’t have it shoved down our throats. Maybe I am too critical? Maybe my thoughts have never occurred to other people? Maybe I am too complicated and overthinking? Then again, it was the same twenty years ago…

I don’t know where this post leads and I am not expecting answers… It’s just something that comes up in my mind all the time.

Cathy