Tag: dear diary

Dear diary 5

~ Catherine ~ Leave a comment

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary,

How weird is it that I always start the same way? I could be more creative. But I am not.

It was a quiet day. The usual. Work. Home. Wondering what life is all about. Seeing all the chores but being unable to tackle them. TV in the background for some company. I ignored by my brother’s phone call. I know I am weird. I complain about being lonely and alone, but when someone wants to connect, I push them away with all my might. I love Kev. But he only knows half of me and after a day of masking at work, I cannot mask in my social life anymore. I lack the energy. I simply let his call go to voice mail. Maybe he thinks I am on a date or out for dinner with the girls.

There are no girls, but he doesn’t know that.

Sometimes I wonder if people see or smell on my skin that I used to be happier, that I used to be married. Do they smell the failure? I don’t want to think about it.

These last days I am in a funk. I am going down memory lane too often to ignore that it doesn’t do me any good. There aren’t too many happy memories and there are too many things I would change if I could make it all over.

No one ever tells you how it is, being a woman my age without children and without a man. I get the occasional sneer when I out my social status, but nothing much. It’s different for Kev. He is a man and he has a fiancée and two kids. No work though. Which must be hard too.

I need to go grocery shopping. It takes energy to do that. I should prepare myself a nice dinner and lunch for tomorrow at work. Maybe a bath would be nice. And a meditation before sleep.

Yes, I should try that.

ADD:

I made lunch, but ate a half pack of crisps for dinner. The bath was great. Very relaxing. I got to release some tension too. My fingers still know where to touch to make it good. I am tired and can’t find my headphones. I am just adding this as a reminder to eat healthier. I should buy healthier snacks.

Whenever I think about healthier eating habits, I also wonder why I should put in the effort to look nicer and thinner. Then A very small voice whispers: do it for yourself.

Perks of living on my own? No one cares about wet towels on the hardwood floors, no one cares about air drying my less than perfect body. It’s a little bit of freedom.

But where are my headphones?

Dear diary 4

~ Catherine ~ Leave a comment

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary,

I am having a day. Work was awful. I really hate when I do my work as effective as I can and some stupid people meddle. They fuck my stuff up and I get the blame? Nah, not with me. I accept a lot and stay quiet and level-headed most times, but enough is enough. I am in charge of the lists, I have my own methods and ways to organise everything. The thing is, if they have no idea how to do things, they should keep their fingers from my files. Double the work is not double the fun.

I feel so disconnected from my life right now. I wish it was different and I wish I knew how to change it. Once again I am sitting on the couch, with a drink and the TV flickering in the background. I should make dinner, but I feel paralysed from the day. I need to let off some steam. In a healthy way. I am too acquainted with the unhealthy ways.

If I had any talent, I would learn to play the piano. Then again, my neighbours would probably be less impressed.

I am spending too much time on Instagram these days. I am not even one of those who compares myself to others. I just watch reels of cooking, carpet cleaning, or new music.

My music tastes are very poppy these days. Unused to be edgier. Not anymore. I am growing older and older.

It’s raining outside. And it is still warm. It smells divine. But everything inside is growing moist. So I will have to close the windows soon. Moist. That’s a word many people don’t like. I don’t know why. I am often clueless. Maybe I am today too. Maybe I was wrong about work. But it rubs me the wrong way. I do my job and I do it well. All in.

Always. Always all in.

###

329 words

Dear diary 3

~ Catherine ~ Leave a comment

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary

The night is falling and  I sit outside with my ebook reader in my lap, plugs in my ears and a bottle of beer next to me. Candles are lit around me and I am wrapped in a blanket. It is still summer but the sun goes down quite early and the air was crisp. It was cold. I had planned to read but to be honest, the beauty of the sky derailed me. There were so many stars to see and the moon shone bright. A couple of clouds tried to cover and hide the scenery, but they were too thin to do much harm.

I wish I had someone to cuddle up to when watching the stars. Texting with Fred is nice and all, but it is not the same as having him here. And we shouldn’t be texting at all. He told me about a new woman in his life. I want him to be happy. But what we have, it is not easy to explain and a new girlfriend would probably forbid him to stay in touch with me. We aren’t doing anything wrong. Just texting and supporting each other. But it is a deeper bond than mere friendship. I don’t have the words to explain what he means to me and what his presence in my world means to me. It is just very unconditional with him. At least most of the time. Sometimes when he asks for money and tells me soon after how much he loves me – it makes me feel cheap. As if I am buying his love. A love that we don’t want. I want his care and his respect and his friendship. But if I am honest, it’s true. I also want his love. I think he knows that I am lonely. And alone. Alone and lonely. I think it makes him feel safe, because I am an easy target. If he lulls me in, I will do as he says. But I am aware of the situation. I know exactly what is happening. Maybe that makes his manipulations even worse.

How can we all share the same sky? There are wars and horrific things are happening all over the world, but those evil people are looking at the same beautiful stars, and they wish upon the same shooting stars too. How can that be? It’s cold and I should read. But I have a headache. It’s getting darker and darker. A couple of my candles burnt out. And I wish I hadn’t stopped smoking. Weird thought. Weird thought indeed.

###

434 words

Dear diary 2

~ Catherine ~ Leave a comment

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary,

Today, I went down a rabbit hole on Instagram. It was a rabbit hole of people talking about their ADHD. And I was propelled back to the time when someone first mentioned that I could suffer from it as well.

It was mid 2020 when I met Melvin online. There was an instant connection through mutual interests. He was a lot like me in many things, but he was also diagnosed with ADHD. While we chatted back and forth he planted the seed that I could have it too. Fast forward to October 2020. We met for the first and last time. The connection we had online was there in real life too. It was very nice. It wasn’t love. It was something different. It was understanding, respect, curiosity, and lust too. We spent a great weekend together. I was quite weird, in hindsight. But I couldn’t change it. After that weekend, we only spoke a couple of times briefly and then he blocked me. Maybe I was too much for him. I don’t know.

When I connect with someone, I become needy. He was the last person I connected with like that. After Melvin, there was no one. No one new. Fred was and will always be there. But he is Fred. And nothing else.

So yeah, I got tested. I got diagnosed and then everything went downhill. My self-confidence plummeted and nothing was ever the same again.

I had dinner tonight. Real dinner. Cooked and all. And I even cleaned all the dishes and pans afterwards. I didn’t leave anything out to soak until next week. On the other hand, I had to run my laundry a second time because I left a batch in the machine. For two days. It happens. It shouldn’t. I wasn’t raised that way. But it does.

My lunch for tomorrow is prepared. I am done for the day. I am sitting in my bed under my blanket while I am writing this. I will probably watch a film again. Or find a show to watch that has more than two seasons. I cannot read tonight because of a torrid headache. Maybe I deserve that one. Who knows?

I don’t know. I don’t know much. Weird that I thought about Mel when I watched those IG vids. I wonder how he is doing. Then again, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Maybe just a little bit.

###

Part 2 of probably 27. People mentioned in this part are inspired by real people.

I am waiting for the sun to go down to go on a walk. It’s a super blue moon tonight. (Full moon) One of 4 in a row apparently. Thank you for keeping up with me 💜

Dear diary

~ Catherine ~ Leave a comment

From the fictitious diary of a young woman

Dear diary,

Today, I have spent my day sleeping, reading and watching TV. I did not go outside. I did not breathe in any fresh air. I love these nothing-days, and yet, they make me feel guilty. We know that I don’t have any reason to feel guilty. I am alone and I don’t need to answer to anyone. But I was raised differently. Seeing the laundry that needs to be folded or ironed, eating like a teenager, those things are not what is expected of a grown woman.

I felt lonely today and there is not much I can do about it. I tried to get in touch with Fred. But he has his own issues. Mostly money again. I am not willing to support him financially anymore. We are not a couple anymore. And I think getting in touch with him when I am lonely is like muscle memory – turning to the one I know. A comfortable move. Rationally I know that it is stupid. That I am stupid. But the mind is not rational, we both know that.

It’s Sunday night and I should prepare my overnight oats for tomorrow and maybe a salad for lunch for work tomorrow. But as so often these last times, I lack the energy and the motivation. I have to do it anyway or I will eat a bunch of unhealthy stuff again.

During a nap, I had that dream again. Of me being married and pregnant. I wonder what this means. I don’t have any intentions of ever marrying. And there is no man in my life who would be possible marriage material. And a kid? I can barely take care of myself, having a kid of my own would be the worst idea. But maybe I would be less lonely?

I’ll go make my lunch. And watch an old film. I like old films. Their pace is different. Their stories are different.

I really need to find a hobby or something. Sleeping the hours away when I am not at work cannot be healthy. But what do I know?!

What do I know indeed?!

###

I have been playing with the idea for a while. The diary style writing. Obviously, this is not about me, but maybe there will be hints of me here or there. I want to make this a personal challenge. If I can write an entry every day until work starts again mid-september, it would be a success. We’ll see how it will go.