a year ago, I had my disastrous encounter with Maximilian Hecker. I think, that’s one of the funniest (and most embarrassing) things I have ever done, I still don’t know how I had the courage to do it and that with only drinking a coke and no alcohol!
This is what happened:
next, we went to Maximilian to get our things signed. I said to him that he played a real good concert even with the slip-ups. he looks me straight in the eye and starts to stammer. what slip-up did you mean? the big one or the smaller ones. I said the big one, the smaller ones we could simply forget about. I told him that I didn’t see him from where I sat and that it sounded like he was crying and the moment it left my mouth I cursed myself. but he still talked and I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. it was really awkward. a real foot-in-mouth moment. It reminded me that I better keep my mouth shut when nervous… Did I really just tell Maximilian Hecker, that I think he is a crybaby?!NOOOOOO!! that wasn’t my intention.
my friend made fun of me, that I broke poor Maximilian Hecker. I was joking. wasn’t he? insecurities? where are you tonight? oh- there you are! I missed you! NOT!
at home I started my laptop and went to twitter. I follow him, he follows me too, he follows most of his followers. I send him a DM, apologizing and reassuring him, that it was a very very good gig. 5min later I have a reply: thank you so much for your kind words. love, Maximilian
So, if you are a musician and I should meet you, just interrupt me before I embarrass myself to no end 🙂 Or simply run or find another way to shut me up…
Maybe I share too much with you. Maybe you only know half of it.
We all create our online personas carefully. I choose to show you my nerdy music side. In real life, this is an annoying habit. I am the one of your friends, who knows a song for almost every sentence you say. I am the one of your friends, who hears (and recognizes) the songs playing in the background and which are barely audible. I am the one, who hums along, while listening to you.
I am a listener, an observer. I give advice and make you think with a few well placed thoughts.
But that is only half of the truth. Because I am strongly opinionated. I know what I like and what I don’t like and I know, when to show myself and when to hide in the shadow. I choose people I let into my life (and to a certain extend soul too) very very carefully. I may appear distant and uninterested, but I am not. I think a lot and I think a lot about you and about the image I leave with you. Some of you left a deep impression on me. Some of you changed the way I see the world around myself and some of you make me want to give you a hug and take care of you.
I am a passionate person. I really am. I talk a lot, when I talk about things I like. My hands are all over the place and my eyes light up. I know that too and I have been told so too and apparently (I’ve been told so twice this last month) my smile lights my entire face up.
I laugh a lot, even if I am not in the mood. I am sad a lot. Sometimes, I know exactly why and sometimes, the sadness creeps up on me and hugs me like a comforting blanket. It sucks me into a darkness. A darkness, that I like and despise at the same time. It makes me creative, but it’s also paralyzing. Draining.
Most people in my real life, don’t know that I write. One reason, it being in English and a second reason is the nature of my writings. I write contemporary gay fiction and when I am not writing about two gay men and the obstacles they have to overcome, I write darkness and misery. My short stories are rarely invigorating. They make people cry and shake their heads, as does my so-called poetry. Hurt and misery are emotions, that are so easily to write for me, whereas love and happiness, fluff… they never seem authentic when I write them (or so I think).
I used to cut my arms. It was like a valve I opened once the pressure was too much and threatening to suffocate me. My new outlet seems to be writing and this blog too. It means a lot to me. The followers of this blog mean a lot to me and the readers of my books too.
I wonder if I am overwhelming at times. And sometimes I wonder why I do this at all. Who cares about me?! I am a small fish in a huge pond and what makes me different from every other writer out there? What makes this blog different and why should anyone come back day after day after day to read about my ramblings?
You don’t know me and I don’t know you. It’s a conscious choice to write what I do and keep some things hidden.
My soul and my mind is a deep abyss.
3 things not many people know about me:
1. I love to read biographies about famous people. The last one I read was about Richard Burton.
2. I am very self-aware and my self-confidence is low. I know that by writing and publishing this blog every day, I leave a virtual footprint. It is frightening to know that people will always find a trace of me in the world wide web and yet, isn’t it what we all strive to do?! Get recognition for what we do and being seen?
3.My biggest fear in life, is to be alone. I can deal with loneliness, it’s a constant companion, but really being alone… it scares me to death.
People who should read threads like this, never do…
Here we are. You and me. I have dreamed about you, before I even met you and now, I am lying in your arms. Discovering your skin. Learning everything about your body. Memorizing moles, cutie marks, scars. Tasting as much of you as I can. Keep you on my tongue. Your scent is like an aphrodisiac and I feel like I am slowly becoming addicted to you. You are like a drug without a description and without warnings.
Your breath mingles with mine, as we become one. Our eyes, yours blue, mine brown, meet. Lustfully gazes. I am mesmerized by you and your presence. I feel like I have known you all my life and I ignore that we have just met for the first time. Pleasure takes over in my body. Your hands brush my hair out of my face. Sweat. I moan. You smile. And we find our rhythm. A rhythm so old, but new to us. Our bodies are slick with sweat, but we move slow. Excruciating slow. Every move prolonging our pleasure. A kiss. So sweet and tender, yet so demanding. An intimate dance, that will stay in my mind forever. Burned into my brain. It’s you I’ve been waiting for my whole life. My heart races as I see you crystal clear and I become yours. I fall. But you are there. Stars explode before my inner eye and I am left breathless. Heat. Wonderful heat engulfs me. The sweetest sounds escape your mouth and I kiss you. In this moment, we have it all. The world belongs to us and the future is ours to explore. It’s waiting for us. My senses cloud and I close my eyes. My hands touch the skin on your back. I kiss your forearms. My hands wander lower. I squeeze. You smile and bite my lip playfully.
You leave a tattoo on my skin. A permanent mark that no one will ever erase or overwrite. I feel you tumbling over the edge too, but just like you caught me, I catch you too. You tremble. There is the smile again. It’s more of a chuckle this time. Sparkling eyes. Your pale milky skin has a red sheen. You look like the most handsome man I have ever seen and you are mine. At least for now. Your hands never cease to touch me. Leaving fingerprints on my skin, that can never be washed off and I wouldn’t want it any other way. For this night, I am yours and you are mine. We don’t need words. I can’t speak your language right now anyway. Our bodies part. A regretful moan slips from my mouth. It makes me smile. I am not the insatiable type and yet, you woke up so many emotions in my sleeping heart.
When it all started, I never thought that we would meet. And yet, you are here. You know my deepest darkest secrets and still – you want me.
Our forever is over too soon. Life is catching up on us and reality too, as our love-bubble bursts. Passion and long lost feelings overwhelmed us. Made us act with our hearts and forget our brains. I have no regrets. I turn in your arms, my head on your chest. I hear your heartbeat. It’s in tune with mine. I am in heaven and you are my light. I always lived in the dark, loving the night. You guided me into the light. I don’t want this moment to end.
No one has ever put me under a spell like you and I know, that I want more. One more caress. One more kiss. One more night with you. It’s not a dream.
I am one in a million, but you picked me to stay with you. I see you, even when you think no one is watching. It makes us different and we won’t walk away from what we have. It makes me different from the rest of them. We both feel it, I can tell.
You are a rare bird. Abide with me and I’ll abide with you.
****
Author’s notice: The title, as well as the last sentence are inspired by a song called “rare bird” by Glen Hansard. The people in this short one-shot are a woman and a man. I think that’s all I need to explain.
… I speak 4 languages fluently. Luxembourgian, German, French and English. I understand Dutch and Italian, if not spoken too fast.
Ironically, my father is Italian, but since I am a child of divorced parents and never spend too much time with my dad, I never learned his native language. I believe, that the understanding of the Italian language comes from when I was a small child and heard him talking to his siblings or father. I think it would have been easy to learn it as a child, but now, it seems very difficult.
For now, I am winter. I am cold and my heart is frozen.
For now, I am winter and I can’t let you near me, for fear to suck you into my cold soul.
For now, I am winter and I need to stay away to keep you safe and keep me sane.
For when I will be summer, I’ll let you back in again.
For when I will be summer, my soul will welcome you again.
For when I will be summer, I’ll keep you safe and sane.
(“For now I am winter”, is a song (and an album that came out in 2013) from Iclandic neo-classical composer Ólafur Arnalds, which is sung by Árnor Dan. I can’t deny that this short piece of poetry was inspired by it. Though the lyrics in the song are different. They are: For now, I am winter/ lungs debut…)
Have I ever mentioned, that I am from a small country in Europe, called Luxembourg? I am not sure. But, yes I am and I have Italian roots… (not in my hair, in my cells 😉 )
don’t they know, that it’s a dead planet whose light has died many years ago?
they are too late and wasting their precious time.
I am too dark
darkness is my friend, guiding me,
giving me hope and taking it away softly,
unseen by most
and they wonder why I became like this
my hopeless, hidden self
I’ve seen the lights go out
and life fading into darkness.
I’ve seen bodies fading
and souls degrading.
Once, I was a young girl too,
wishing upon a star and waiting for the magic to happen,
now I’m older and wiser.
disillusioned sometimes too.
Author’s notice:
this is from last June. I was in a dark(er) place than I usually am and I hated my life and everything around me with a vengeance. For those who care; right now, I am in a pretty solid mindset. I try to be less cynic and more positive, at which I admittedly don’t always succeed. But I do my best, trying to surround myself with people I like, doing the things I like to do and ignoring all those people who try to tell me, that I will fail with everything I do!
I sit on this horrendously smelling couch. Again. That smell. No matter how often I sit here, it never escapes me. It smells like piss and vomit and still, I return here. Every day. Sometimes more than once. Because my friend calls me. In front of me is a low table. The legs have been sawed off, to make it this low. It’s full of crap. Mostly crap. Some things on the table are important. Very important. My hand sweeps across the table and I roam through the little foils and tiny bags. Most of them are empty. My hand shakes. I need it. Soon. I feel like crawling out of my skin and tearing out my hair. I need it. My legs start shaking, I can’t keep them still. It’s like they are dancing with my best friend. My hands become more desperate and less precise. A prick on my finger. But I don’t care. I need it. I leave a little trail of red drops on the table, decorating everything in a morbid manner. But I don’t care and I know that nobody else will either.
We are all in this together and we are looking for the same thing. And I found it. A precious little package. I empty it over a spoon and add a little sugar, before holding the used spoon over a candle. Candles, the whole room is lit in candles. Candles everywhere. The only light in the otherwise dark room. The stuff takes too long to melt on the spoon and I start fumbling with my free hand, to roll up my sleeve. Again, I rummage around the table and soon I find what I am looking for. A syringe. For a moment, I wonder if it’s the same, that stung me earlier and if it is clean. But my urge lets me forget those thoughts. My need is bigger than the thought about preserving my health. I don’t go to the doctor’s anyway. I have no idea, if I am infected or not. I don’t care. The others don’t care either. We share everything. We are in this together anyway. Always looking for the same thing. Sharing the same best friend.
With shaky fingers, I fill the syringe. I need it. I need it now. No more time to waste.
The needle enters my skin. I always do this softly, gently. I like the feeling of the metal breaking my skin. At first it resists, but then, it gives in and the cold needle quickly warms inside my body. I push down and the calming escape of reality enters my body. I feel it flowing through my veins. Spreading inside of me. It isn’t a stranger, an unknown. It is my friend. I pull the syringe out and throw it on the table. Not caring anymore.
My friend makes me tired. Always so tired, but he takes me to a dreamland. He helps me escape the grotesque face of reality. I inhale deeply and let myself float on a cloud that feels like cotton. High and higher up in the sky. I can see down on all those people that want to hurt me. They can’t reach me, here on my cotton cloud high in the sky. No evil can reach me. My friend is there to protect me. He engulfs me with his warmth and I feel safe as long as he is with me. Better than sex. Much better than sex. They don’t satisfy me anyway. They – the johns. They get off and I get the money to buy an orgasm on my own. One that always comes. Always. Except sometimes. Sometimes, my friend refuses to come to me and help me forget. Some times, instead of flying higher and higher up in the sky, he lets me fall, shoves me down the stairs hard. And it hurts. The deception always hurts. But it’s because he loves me and he wants me to be with him longer and more often. Only him. Only me. Only us. Together, we can conquer the world.
Nobody else matters. Nothing else matters. When he lets me fall, I fall deep. I am afraid without him. Scared to death without his warmth. It makes me cower in the corner of the dark unfurnished room. Far away, were no candle light can reach me. I make myself as small as possible. Invisible. I cover my ears. I don’t want to hear the screams. Make them go away. I close my eyes. I don’t want to see those faces. Make them go away. I wish for someone to just hold me. Save me.
Leave me alone. I don’t need to be saved. Don’t touch. I can’t have anyone touch me. I’ll break into tiny little pieces, like a glass that has fallen down and broke. And the shards will hurt and cut me deep.
Today, my friend didn’t let me fall. I open my eyes. I feel free. I feel good. I feel excited. I own the world. I see the zombies passed out around me. I am not one of them. My friend makes me invincible. I am not one of them. Not until the next time my friends calls me. Not until the next time I need him. My best friend. H.
****
Author’s note: This is all an imaginary writing. Nothing based on actual personal experiences!
So tonight was the night for Douglas Dare, Ólafur Arnalds and a lot of piano and strings.
Opening the evening was Douglas Dare, a young man from London, UK. And what can I say?! He blew me away. Such a beautiful deep and soothing voice and a presence on stage, by simply sitting at his piano and singing his songs. I was flashed. The venue was rather small and far from sold out. People were seated. In the dark and quiet, I almost lost myself in his wonderful lyrics. Until now, Mister Dare has only released a 4 Track EP (called ‘seven hours’) and he is currently working on his full length debut, that should be released early next year. I bought the EP tonight and I am sure, that I will buy the album too, when it comes out. Really a gem of an artist.
(I apologize for all the crap on the picture 🙂 I came in and opened the laptop. I got rid of my “accessories” (scarf, ring, necklace and watch) and snapped the photo, without realizing that it would be on the pic… sorry!)
I seized the moment and bought the EP right away, got it signed of course. The prize… it was 10€, for a 4 Track EP a proud price, but I was in generous mood and didn’t let that put me off. I told Douglas, how I liked his lyrics and he told, me, that he usually starts writing texts or poems and that the music comes later. It’s fascinating, because many many artists how a tune first and add lyrics later. I guess, his lyrics really have a deep meaning for him and I like that. You could feel it, when he sang. Also a nice touch was, when he talked about how he had written Caroline (a song that isn’t on the EP, but will be on the album), imagining his grand-father having a affair with a woman (mind you, it’s all Douglas’s imagination) and how that exact song became his grand-mother’s favorite, although she still doesn’t know the truth about the lyrics.
(I liked the live-version better. More passion and better voice)
Ólafur Arnalds came next, but he was not alone. He had a violinist and a cellist with him and I have to admit, that I was a bit disappointed, when Arnór Dan was not with them. But more about that later. I am not really sure, what to think about their set yet. Ólafur seemed – I don’t know… distracted? nervous? The cellist and the violinist didn’t always harmonize, mostly during the first two or three songs, but it got better. Arnór Dan was there after all too and he came on stage to sing the title song of Ólafur Arnald’s latest release ‘for now I am winter’, ‘a stutter’ and ‘old skin’. I think I fell a little in love with the gentle giant tonight. I have no idea, if it’s only me, but it felt, that the whole set was rather short. Visuals and lighting were amazing and Ólafur’s anecdotes were priceless. (Driving from Bratislava to Poznan in a nightliner, not being able to sleep and starting to drink instead, only to realize, that drinking on a bad road isn’t the best idea either – the story behind the song ‘Poland’ or how he and Arnór met at a bar and drank vodka. inebriated, that suddenly had the idea to write a song for the Eurovision Song Contest, once sobered, they forgot about the idea again and wrote ‘Old Skin’ instead…)
Luxembourgian audiences a very distinctive. very reserved and sparse with applause and calls or whistles. A fact, that was even more striking tonight, when they (we) only clapped our hands, after a knowing that a song was definitely finished. But we got an encore, getting Ólafur back on stage all by himself and all alone. He played one of my favorites ‘laf fyrir ömmu’ (song for grandma) It was beautiful and simple, yet full of emotions.
I can’t say, that it was a magical night, but it was beautiful, at times mind blowing music that I heard tonight. Maybe it was the venue, that prevented the ‘magic’, maybe it was simply me… but the fact remains, that I could have listened for another hour to Douglas Dare and I wouldn’t have minded a 3 or 4 more song from Mister Arnalds!
T E Morris – This ever busy man , will release a new EP called ‘The Long Distance Runner’ soon. I had the privilege, to have been sent a link to it from the man himself and I am at once grateful and surprised by this fact. On his blog, Tom (T E) describes, why he releases so many EPs. He says, “it is therapeutic and I need to.” That’s good enough for me. I am quite touched, by T E Morris’s openness, his music and his lyrics and I don’t seem to be the only one, seeing that most of his EPs are sold out.
“The Long Distance Runner” EP counts 7 songs and is approximately 30 minutes long. 7 very different songs and still, they have one thing in common, the passion, the authenticity and the vocal range, Tom brings to his songs.
The EP starts with the title song “The Long Distance Runner“. In a recent livestream, Tom talked about, how this song is already 11 years old. Sometimes, music and lyrics need the right state of mind of the singer/songwriter, to be finally released for good. It can also be heard on “Kinship – a full circle” from the band Her Name Is Calla, where Tom is the lead singer. It’s differently orchestrated and I have to say, that I prefer Tom’s solo performance of the song. It’s a simple song, that doesn’t need the orchestration of the band. It’s not bad, but different from this version. The song is also featured on Tom’s second full length album “And You Were The Hunter” released earlier this year. The soft fragile tone of Tom’s voice carries this song and guides it towards a more atmospheric part, where violins and percussion are added to the orchestrations. An acoustic guitar solo leads to a pleading “hope leads us on” or is it a question for reassurance? A very strong song, beautifully arranged and ending calmly, gently with a soft “don’t blame yourself”.
“The Long Distance Runner” is followed by “A Year In The Wilderness”. The piano and the vocals sung in harmony lead this calm song. A tune, I could easily see as the soundtrack to a movie. Also very beautiful and somewhat surprising, because it’s not the instrument that I hear often in the music I listen to, is the organ. It gives this song an elegant, eminent flair. A stunning song, one of those that keeps you listening intently and forgetting about the here and now. When I first heard it, snow was falling outside of my window. The snowflakes dancing in the wind where like the perfect visual for “A Year In The Wilderness”. Admittedly, my favorite song of this EP.
Third song is “If You Need Me, I’ll Be At Palomar”. It’s a song, that show’s T E Morris full range of voice, from deep, almost spoken, to falsetto. It also demonstrates his skills at beating up his guitar. If you’ll hear the song, you’ll understand what I mean, but I like it. I was a bit surprised, when the heavy effect on the guitar set in, but somehow it fits perfectly fine with the rest of the song. Sometimes, I think that singers/songwriters should be more daring in their approach, something Tom definitely is. And the courage to experiment, is something that I like about his music. It’s nothing dull that you have heard a million times, it’s fresh, surprising without sounding fake. It’s still him. It’s still Tom and it sounds authentic. And that brings me to the fourth song “I Won’t Ever Go To Sleep Again”. A sweet ballad, carried by T E Morris unique voice and his range. Funnily enough, when he sing “I won’t ever go to sleep again”, I believe him. Again it sounds authentic. Personally, I like that this song is played on electric guitar rather than on acoustic like most songs are. For me, it underlines the fragility of the song all the better. The next song is something completely different yet again. A song called “I met a man who wasn’t there”. Prominent feature of this song is the banjo accompanying Tom. For me, this song is not Tom. Sorry. It sounds a lot like his Her Name Is Calla bandmate Weike. Even the way it is sung sounds more like Weikie and it’s the only song, (maybe the first ever?) that doesn’t touch any emotions inside of me. Though the lyrics are really good. The (I presume) banjo that sounds intentionally out of tune, doesn’t reach me at all. Also at the end, I think a laughter is missing… It just sounds like a place, where one would laugh and it gets cut in editing.
“A River Of Ghosts” is a “typical” (is there ever such a thing?) T E Morris song. The voice and the lyrics is what carries this song. Again a song, that lets us hear a wide range of vocals, while harmonies are sung. I really like it. The last and 7th song is called “Idea 4_6Aug2012” I guess, the right name for the song was still missing and there’s no harm going with the suggestion of your Mac/PC. “Thought I lived ’till I was old…” and the lyrics in general to this song, sound like the thoughts I had, when I turned 30 and had trouble accepting, that I was not in at a point in my life, where I had seen myself prior. We all have these goals and once in a while we look back, reflecting on ourselves and aren’t were we thought we would be. The sound of the synthesizer as a filler is beautiful and again, it reminds me of a movie soundtrack. Mister Morris is able to write beautiful, haunting melodies. This is a brilliant song, that builds and builds. Mostly the second half of this song is awesome, when different voices and different instruments set in. No elaborated lyrics needed here. A worthy song, to close a stunning EP. To be honest, the tune and the “ahahs” follow me ever since I first heard this EP.
This is of course a very subjective review. You don’t have to like, what I do. Though, I’m am convinced that this man is very worthy of your attention. T E Morris can be found on bandcamp: here. (For everywhere else he can be found (Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/ Soundcloud) browse temorris.co.uk )
Once again, everything was done right (imho).
I see you at your next livestream, Mister Morris
❤ Cathy
and this is just for me, because I love that song so much 😉 (by the way, the first chords, isn’t that ‘All Along The Watchtower’ from Jimi Hendrix?)
It was one of those concerts, where I had that silly grin on my face the whole time. Theo (the singer) has more charisma in his little finger, than Dan from Bastille in his entire being. You could feel the energy and the fun he had. He didn’t have to do much, he was simply there. His voice is amazing, Better than on CD… much better. I am really elated. It was ‘wonderful, fantastic’ (to quote Theo) even Adam, who doesn’t move a lot had so much presence on stage and it didn’t matter if he played the guitar or the piano. By the way, live this band is much harder, heavier than on CD. I liked it a whole lot. Theo danced and jumped, it was fun to watch him. He waved and smiled at the audience or he simply stood, with his hands behind his back and sang in his most vulnerable voice. I was not disappointed, if anything, my expectations were exceeded! 🙂 Yay… happy dance!
and then, there was this song:
It was way better than this version (less effects on the voice) here and I have to admit, I had a tear in my eyes and that was an absolute first for me at a concert.
I had a wonderful night.
and tomorrow… Sigur Rós…
and since we are talking music… go here: https://martynjackson.bandcamp.com/album/home and buy the album. Artists like Martyn Jackson, TE Morris, Weikie, Our Ceasing Voice, Red Room Cinema… young struggling musicians need our support, to live their dream. It’s not the easy road they take, but what they do, they do it passionately. and we should support them and that in any way we can!
reflections of an unquiet mind 