Category: you’re still the one

Eighteen month old Ava

There is that baby crying again. Aliana is her name. She can’t do anything except sleeping and pooing and eating and crying. At least I can walk. I am the big sister now. That’s what they said. I walk over to my daddy and he heaves me in his arms with a grunt and a smile. He calls me his Princess. I like that. I don’t know what a Princess is, but in the books my daddys watch with me, they are always dressed in pretty dresses. I ran my hand through papa’s beard. I love to do that. It tickles against my palm and every time I do that, he pushes his face against my hand. My papa is the best. He turns his head and kisses my hand. I liked that a lot. I can’t say it yet, but I giggle. I know that he is happy when I giggle. Aliana is quiet now. Papa Cody has put a pacifier in her mouth. I want one too. I am hungry anyway. Maybe I should start to protest, but before I can even start, papa tells me that it is time for dinner. We sit at the table and I watch while he makes a sandwich and cuts some carrots for me. He knows that I like them and I suspect that I get them often because I can’t make a mess with them. I can make a mess of everything. Because I am Ava and I can do everything and be everyone I want to be. At least that’s what uncle Gus tells me.

And then it happened. Every day routines set in. Getting up at night and changing diapers. Feeding bottles and cleaning regurgitated milk away. Cheering when the little one started to sit and being in awe when she ate her first spoon of solid food. I realized that I would never be Noel’s number one. That spot was taken. At first, I didn’t know how to handle that epiphany, but over time I understood that Noel has enough love in his heart for the both of us. I wanted this. I wanted us to be a family and I tried to do as much parenting as Noel did. He still had his moments when he didn’t like to let Ava out of his eyes and when he thought that he knew everything better, but the moments were fewer now. I was allowed to dive into parenthood. Full force. And I loved every moment of it. Well not every moment. I mean diapers and regurgitation?

I opened the door and was fully prepared to kiss my fiancé, but he just pushed a box in my arms and pushed past me. Something was wrong. I didn’t have the time to think about it, because soon Cam, Scotty and Gus came in. All of them where laden with boxes too. There usual banter was filling the house and I have to say, it eased some of my nerves.

Change to Cody’s point of view.

Noel had said yes. To moving in and to marrying me. I had purposed and he had said yes. That my family was around me when I had popped the question was like icing on a really tasty cake. I loved my family and I loved that they were there to share their elation with us.

The following Sunday, we had lunch with Cameron and Scott. To my surprise Gus was there too. The men competed for Ava’s attention and in a matter of minutes, they were wrapped around her little fingers.

I stood against the doorjamb and laughed about the silly grimaces these grown-ups made only to hear a baby laugh.

I lay with my head on Cody’s shoulder. His hand stroked my bare back. Shivers ran down my spine where he touched me and I moved closer to him. The heat of his skin and the sweat from our exertion made it a sticky affair, but I didn’t care. Everything sticky between us was the result of the amazing sex that we had had. This was all new and yet, it was familiar too. I felt home. Finally. A couple of weeks had passed since we had that long talk. Cody came over every evening after work. If my shift wasn’t over yet, he took care of Ava and played with her. They were cute together and Cody began to understand her needs more and more. She wasn’t content to be trapped and strapped against my body all day long anymore and sometimes it felt as if she was waiting for Cody to come and rescue her. I still remember the evening I came up to my apartment and Ava was sleeping on – and drooling all over Cody’s chest, who was snoring lightly too. He had one arm around her and a hand on her head. It was a protective position and they looked so much like a unity that I had to take a picture. The flash woke Cody. Before he even looked at me, he stroked Ava’s head and her back and kissed her hair, then he blinked up at me.

As much as I wanted to say that Ritchie was wrong to send me home, I knew he was right, when I saw Ava’s relieved face once she felt the floor underneath her back. Maybe it was time to search for a babysitter. I felt guilty about having her crammed up against me almost all day long. Another thing that I seemed to be failing at. Friends, lovers, my daughter. I changed into my workout shorts and didn’t even bother with a shirt or shoes. I began my usual workout routine, the one that I had missed that morning because of Cody and I tried to stop myself from thinking too much. I didn’t work. The blank space that I usually achieved after a couple of repetitions didn’t appear. A dominant thought in my mind was about Cody and Gus and the question if they had been lovers. Was Cody positive too? Would he tell me the way Gus told me? The more I thought, the more those thoughts ran in a circle and I became angry. My moves came in faster succession and I huffed and puffed louder than I normally did.

When Cody was gone, I needed a moment to process what had happened. It was as if we had danced around each other for hours and said the same things over and over again. Work was a welcome distraction. With Ava in her sling, I went from customer to customer and was I a good mood. I liked this work. I had never guessed it before, but it was a great job. Until Gus came in. He strode in my direction with a huge smile on his face. He breached my private space and was ready to kiss my lips, but I turned my head.

“No?” I asked, or rather, I croaked. He just nodded and took a step toward me. I danced around him to put some distance between us. I didn’t want to give in this easily. “Nuh-uh!” I wriggled my finger at him. “It doesn’t work that way. Talk or leave.” I lifted Ava from her blanket in my arms and used her as a sort of shield. Cody looked at the floor and shook his head with a frown.

My night had been restless. Between trying to hear if Ava was okay, I also kept an ear pointed in Cody’s direction. I had nodded off for an hour or so before I decided that I had wasted enough time in bed. When I looked inside Ava’s room, I was surprised to see that she was awake, but instead of crying, she played with her toes and sucked contently on her fist. I took her up and was rewarded with a bright toothless smile. I kissed her head and sat down in the rocking chair with her on my lap. I told her that we had a visitor and that she had to be nice this morning because he would likely have a headache. She looked at me as if she understood every single word I was saying, and maybe she was.

That night, I went to bed with a smile on my face. Everything would be alright. I felt it in my bones. I didn’t even have the urge to have a relationship with him. Gus would probably be a fuck buddy and nothing else. There were no hopes involved at all and no expectations either. It was freeing.

Everything I did during the next hours led to my date with Gus. I mean, it wasn’t really a date, it was just coffee, but maybe it wasn’t. Things are never just anything. And maybe I had misjudged Gus.

Ava didn’t say anything at all of course. She yawned and showed signs of hunger again and so I set is in our routine. For her, that meant eating, pooping, change of diapers and falling asleep. For me that meant taking care of my bills, taking stock of our fridge and daydreaming about men that were so far out of my reach, they might as well live in a different galaxy. It was nice to have seen Cody, but he was sending mixed signals. On one hand, it felt as if he was flirting with me, on the other hand he had just Gus. I had never dealt with the break-up. Not really. Instead of working through it and allowing myself to mourn the loss of my first love – how very dramatic – I had replaced him with Dobson. In hindsight, I think I didn’t really love him. Yes, I loved him, but I was not in love with him. He’s a great guy, funny, smart, gentle, a good lover too, but he’s not Cody. And that was who I wanted to replace. Cody. Except, there is no replacement for Cody and there will never be one. I had to admit it, I was still in love with him. And how couldn’t I be? He was perfect for me. But who was I really kidding. I had changed a lot since we had last seen each other, it would be foolish to believe that he had stayed the same in all these years. I sighed. I wished I could turn back time and be young again. Not that I was old, I didn’t feel old and I didn’t look old. Except for that grey chest hair that laughed at me every time I looked at my naked reflection in the mirror. I shook my head and laughed at my own stray thoughts.

Ava took a look at Cameron and started babbling. It was as if she was telling him her story. He looked confused but then he smiled and began replying to her. It was adorable to see. We ended up in the living room. The awkward silence was only interrupted by Ava’s noises.