Category: writer’s life

Posted on

The school holidays are finally here

Good afternoon,

The much-anticipated school holidays have finally arrived, and I can’t help but feel a sense of exhilaration. After the whirlwind of releasing my book, “Fire&Rain,” I’ve been eagerly anticipating this time to savor some precious moments of solitude and rejuvenation.

This morning, I decided to embark on a refreshing hike, allowing the crisp air and the steady rhythm of my steps to cleanse my mind. As I walked, I listened intently to the soothing flow of the nearby water, its gentle sounds washing over me and filling me with a sense of calm. After a well-deserved shower, I found my cozy spot on the couch, ready to dive into the newest addition to my private library – Édouard Louis’ “changer : méthode.” To further enhance the experience, I put on my trusted Spotify playlist, allowing the soft melodies to envelop me as I turn the pages.

In a pursuit of self-discovery, I’ve also taken up the challenge of learning to play the ukulele. The soft tones of this instrument are sure to become the soundtrack to my newfound moments of tranquility and personal growth. As a preschool teacher, I can’t wait to incorporate the ukulele into my lessons, using its playful and engaging sounds to captivate and inspire my young students.

This is a time of boundless possibilities, and I am the architect of my own remarkable journey. I will cherish these moments of solitude, for they are the fertile ground upon which my next chapter will blossom. The words of Édouard Louis, the melodies of the ukulele, and the familiar tunes from my playlist will undoubtedly inspire me to embrace the transformative power of change and the beauty of the present moment.

The journey has only just begun, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me. Just like me, let the magic of literature and music guide you.

And if you need some literature, my poetry collection is waiting for you to read it.

Enjoy your Thursday

Posted on

Ignite your senses with “Fire&Rain – my newest poetry collection is finally here

Greetings, my dear readers and poetry enthusiasts!

I am thrilled to announce the launch of my 8th book, a captivating poetry collection titled “Fire &Rain.” This labor of love has been simmering within me for quite some time, and I am overjoyed to finally share it with the world.

“Fire & Rain” is a poetic exploration of the duality that exists within our lives – the fiery passions that burn bright, and the cleansing rains that nourish our souls. Through this collection, I invite you to embark on a journey that traverses the full spectrum of human emotion, from the scorching intensity of love to the soothing solace of introspection.

Each poem in “Fire &Rain” is meticulously crafted, woven with words that dance across the page, igniting your imagination and stirring your heart. Whether you find yourself drawn to the smoldering embers of desire or the gentle patter of healing, this collection promises to leave a lasting impression on your soul.

I am immensely proud of this latest offering and cannot wait for you to experience the magic that unfolds within its pages. “Fire &Rain” is now available on Amazon in both ebook and paperback formats, as well as directly through the purchase button on my blog.

So, my dear friends, ignite the spark within and let the words of “Fire&Rain” transport you to a realm where the elements collide, and the power of poetry knows no bounds. I hope you’ll join me on this captivating adventure!

Warmly,

Cathy

Fire & rain, a journey through joy and pain
Emotions deep as oceans, wide and vast,
Touching souls, in memories that last.

Complexities of life, woven through each line,
Where heartstrings pull and spirits

align. In the silence of the mind, whispers of the heart, Revealing the human spirit, a living work of art.

Connections deep, beyond the reach of time,
Invisible bonds, in rhythm and in rhyme.
The human experience, rich and bittersweet,
In every verse, our shared heartbeat.

So let these words, from the depths arise,
To stir the spirit and open the eyes.
For poetry is the language, where the soul takes flight, And in its beauty, finds the purest light.

available on Amazon and from this very site

Posted on

How I go about publishing my books

I was asked a couple of times how I went about publishing my books.

Now before I dive into all kinds of things, let me burst one or two bubbles. I am not a bestselling author. Far from it. If I sell 20 copies of a book, that’s a lot. And it’s true, I would want to sell more, of course I do. But I have no idea how to advertise myself any better, and I think that’s the biggest issue. I believe in the quality of my poems and my stories. But if they are invisible to the world, no one will be inclined to purchase my books. I wish it was different, and I need your help to spread the word about me on your blogs, your socials, with your friends and coworkers. It doesn’t matter if you are from a neighboring country or from across the world, my books are available everywhere.

Publishing a book starts with one thing: writing. Writing writing writing. And then deciding which poem is worthy of being printed in a book. I recommend putting the poems in a Word document or a similar writing program. Get acquainted with the program. Know about headings, styles, headers, toc, page breaks, etc. Research things like the format your book should have. Mine are usually 5 × 8 inch. It’s a little smaller than a pocket book. Apply the format you chose as well as the margin specifics in the layout tab, and remember to mirror your pages. That’s important for the looks of the book.

But, all this can be easily researched online and you will probably understand a lot better how to format your manuscript when it is explained in depth or accompanied by videos.

The next step for me is usually getting an ISBN number. If you self-publish via KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing), you can ask to get a number from them, for free. I did that on a couple of my books. But, to reach a greater local audience, I applied for an ISBN number at my local authority. Again, you need to do your own research, but for me it was sending an application to BNL (bibliothèque nationale de Luxembourg). This was for free too, but I am not sure if that is the same for every country. If you apply for a personalized ISBN number it has to be in your own country. (As far as I know.)

When all of this is done, I begin thinking about a title and a cover. In my mind, they need to go hand in hand. Even though the intention behind my covers is not always visible at first, they have a meaning. With the exception of Fire&Rain, I always did the cover work myself. (Taking the pictures, designing the cover art, adding the titles and the blurb of course too). Sometimes I used a little advice from a creative friend about fonts and the position of the title. For my three last publications: Perfect Imperfection, WORD THIEF, and Fire&Rain, I had some help with the title and artwork too. It helps that they are an artist too and have an esthetic eye and a deeper knowledge on things. They were a great help. I sent them the table of contents and they helped chose a title. They were always spot on.  I need to admit that. Giving credit where credit is due.

For Fire&Rain I tried something new for the artwork, I got the help of AI. And let me tell you, I love the cover. And that cover was only possible because of my friend chosing the title for me and me feeding AI the right words.

Once all that is done and decided, I take the easiest route with KDP. It’s fool proof since they tell you exactly which information they need. Once your finished manuscript is uploaded they point out issues with the formatting. After that you can upload your own cover or create it with the embedded tool. Again, it’s fool proof. Both these things done, you get to the next stage: pricing.

Now, pricing is something I find rather difficult to do. But at least KDP gives a suggestion with a minimum price. You can also set different prices for different market places. Though I tend to have the same price across all platforms. Transparent.

The last step is setting a publication date. Either you want your book to go live immediately or you can set a pre-order date. KDP will proof  and approve your script which can take up to 72 hours. Those 72 hours are quite exciting and most often KDP doesn’t need that long before your book is live and available across the many marketplaces Amazon offers.

As for copies, you can order a proof copy to check if the book is the way you want it to be. If not you can change things until you are happy with the result. After that, you can buy your own Author Copies. Publishing with KDP is print on demand and it usually takes around 5 days to be done. If you order your own copies, you will have to pay the printing price, which is fair though, I think.

Readers pay the printing price plus the amount set by the author.

Once all of that is done, the most complicated part begins. Promoting yourself and getting word out there. Once again, I admit that this is my weakest point and that I need your help. If you find me on Amazon, you will see that there are great reviews. And many of them are from people I don’t know. Of course that’s something I like and I am very grateful for it. And I want more of that.

I am convinced that Fire&Rain is the best poetry collection I ever wrote. And it deserves its recognition. Hopefully many readers will agree with me.

In a week, Fire&Rain will be officially released. I have 12 copies at home that are waiting to be signed and sent off into the world. Maybe one of them is yours? The button on this site works, if you want to try it. (The button is on your right if you use the desktop site, or all the way down if you use the mobile version).

I don’t have an agent, or a publisher, or a manager, or a team of creative people to help me with every step of the way. I cannot just write my poems and leave the rest to professionals. I have to do it all on my own. It’s a source of pride. But sometimes it really sucks, that’s why I am very grateful to that one friend who helps me out sometimes. I couldn’t do it without him. I couldn’t make all these important decisions on my own. And, let me point this out: he also wrote the music for WORD THIEF and The Best Pessimist. Both poems can be found on my soundcloud page. All my links can be found in my “about me” tab.

Mark your calendars for July 12th, when Fire&Rain will see the light of day. And perhaps one copy will find a home on your shelves.

Do you have any questions? Maybe I forgot this or that. I am here. Thank you for everything. 🙏

Posted on

exceeded all expectations

As a preschool teacher, I pour my heart and soul into the work I do every single day. The pure joy I get from watching my students grow and thrive is utterly unmatched. But when that deep dedication and passion is recognized by my school leaders in a tangible way, it fills me with an overwhelming sense of pride and validation.

That’s exactly what happened today when I received a glowing performance review that was customized just for me. Instead of a generic, one-size-fits-all assessment, this report was crafted with intentionality, drawing on specific details about my work to paint a personalized picture of my exceptional contributions. And the crowning achievement? My review stated that I had “exceeded all expectations” – the highest possible grade.

My heart swelled with emotion as I heard those words. This was no generic review – it was a true testament to the invaluable impact I have on my preschool community. My director clearly sees me as an asset worthy of the highest praise.

Receiving such personalized and heartfelt recognition feels incredibly affirming. Even more so because he is know to use prewritten tools to evaluate his staff. This is a reminder that the hard work, passion, and purpose I pour into my classroom does not go unnoticed. My school leaders are paying attention, and they understand the true value I bring to my students, families, and colleagues. Maybe this sounds conceited, but I do believe that my work is valuable.

This is the kind of performance review that will fuel me to keep reaching new heights in my career. It’s a reminder of my worth and expertise. And it’s a shining example of how school administrators can make their teachers feel truly seen, heard, and celebrated. Unfortunately, we know that they don’t do this often enough.

Still, I’m honored by this well-deserved achievement. My hard work and dedication have been elevated in a meaningful way. I’ll keep shining bright – I love my job.

Exceeded all expectations (or originally: dépasse les attentes). It’s unbelievable, but it is also an accomplishment that makes me very proud.

Now that I finally reached this goal, the next milestone is waiting around the bend: the launch of Fire & Rain.

Posted on

Personal Favorites: English and Luxembourgish Songs from My Homeland

Today, I have something special for you. Tomorrow, we will celebrate our Luxembourgish National Holiday (Nationalfeierdag). Traditionally, there will be fireworks, parades and a lot of live music. I put together a playlist with 30something songs made in Luxembourg.

Our National Holiday used to be our monarch’s birthday. Up until the 60s it was celebrated in January. But because of the cold weather (imagine that!) the festivities were moved to June 23rd. Now, this date is no guarantee for good weather. This year, summer hasn’t arrived yet. It’s unseasonably cold and wet, and yet it is very damp outside too.

Luxembourgish people are said to be stand-offish, at the same time most of us are very tolerant and open. We are known to switch from our native language to French or German within a sentence. And around the world Luxembourg is also (falsely) known for its wealth. I say falsely, because the cost of living and rents or mortgages are very high here. Based on our salary (compared to other countries) we appear to be rich, but we are not. Like everywhere in the world there is 1% that is richer than the majority of the country. We have the same issues with substance abuse and homelessness than other countries. And the alcohol consumption over here is way above average compared to other countries. And yet, we are a good bunch of people, I think. We have a rich cultural diversity. With many places to visit and lots to learn. Which brings me back to the playlist I am sharing with you today.

The genres of music in Luxembourg are as divers as the citizens of this beautiful country Grand-Duchy. In this playlist you can find songs I personally like. They are in English and in Luxembourgish. It’s a bit of a weird language if you never heard it, and as I’ve been told it is pretty hard to learn too. But, it’s what I speak every day.

Once in a while, I am asked why I never write poetry in my mother tongue. Honestly, I find it very difficult to find the right words to convey what I want to say in my language. It’s easier in English, at least for me it is. That said, in the playlist are two songs I wrote the lyrics for – both in English (of course). Should I reveal which ones or should I let you guess? Followers of the blog may remember them because I posted them before. Years ago. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s Run Baby Run, and Little Girl. They were written a lifetime ago. Long before I really started writing poetry and prose. Long before I found my own voice. Maybe you can hear my whisper in them though.

No whispers but my loud and clear voice can be found in my upcoming release Fire & Rain. It was added to the BNL – Bibliothèque Nationale du Luxembourg (National Library of Luxembourg). A couple of copies have been pre-ordered, thank you for that. Two were given away to close friends. If you want your copy, let me know.

Have a great weekend, listen to some music, read some poetry. Be kind and happy. I am here all weekend if you fancy a chat. Did you ever hear of Luxembourg before? What are the things you heard and do you want to know if they are true?

Posted on

All of Us Strangers

I don’t often write about films I watch, but let me assure you, I’ve seen many films and just as many TV shows. Music and movies, that’s kind of my thing. But, lately I noticed that I am hardly affected by them anymore. Most of them aren’t emotionally challenging me anymore. Well, that changed. Last night, I watched the film All of Us Strangers. It’s a British film set in London and in a suburb, and it plays in the late 80s and in the present. The director was Andrew Haigh and it was in late theatres in 2023. The main cast, the only cast, really, are Andrew Scott as Adam, Paul Mescal as Harry, Jamie Bell as Dad and Claire Foy as Mum.

It’s a film about grief and loss and mostly about loneliness. Almost claustrophobic at times, you can relate to Adam’s sorrows and his inner turmoils.

One night in his near-empty tower block in contemporary London, Adam (Andrew Scott) has a chance encounter with a mysterious neighbor Harry (Paul Mescal), which punctures the rhythm of his everyday life. As a relationship develops between them, Adam is preoccupied with memories of the past and finds himself drawn back to the suburban town where he grew up, and the childhood home where his parents (Claire Foy and Jamie Bell), appear to be living, just as they were on the day they died, 30 years before. (Plot summary from IMDB)

I loved the film, and I hated it. I cried (sobbed) the last 30 minutes and after the end credits had finished, I continued. Too relatable were Adam’s feelings. And too inevitable was the ending of the film too. I felt deeply moved. Something that hasn’t happened in a long time. Now, there is not too much I can say about the film without spoilers, but it is filled with 80s music. Two songs that feature prominently are Frankie Goes to Hollywood – The Power of Love and Pet Shop Boys – Always on my Mind.

It’s rare that a movie gets stuck behind my eyes and in my mind for such a long time after watching it. The pace is slow, there is an element of fantasy, but the main themes: loneliness, love, and grief are treated beautifully. The cinematography is exquisite and the intimacy between Adam and Harry is tastefully narrated without ever getting vulgar, despite the sex scenes (or so I think). The acting of all of the cast was superb, but the film was solely carried on Andrew Scott’s shoulders. He brought this character – Adam, to life. I suffered with him, was hopeful with him, sang with him, and I cried with him too.

As I said, I was deeply affected and that’s why I felt the need to write about it. All of Us Strangers is a reminder of the impact that art can have on our lives, and the importance of seeking out those rare cinematic gems that touch our souls and leave us forever changed.Well, maybe not forever, but the next few days for sure.

What was that one film that left an indelible mark on you?

Posted on

ten years ago or embracing change and gratitude

Ten years ago, our lives were swept up in a whirlwind of positive change. We were completely different individuals, each with our unique ways of doing things and distinct thoughts. I was deeply immersed in my role as a dedicated stay-at-home mom, gracefully navigating the beautiful chaos of family life. It’s almost unbelievable that my best friend had not yet become a cherished part of my world. At that time, my writing journey was just beginning, fueled by boundless passion and potential as I enthusiastically delved into the world of storytelling and self-expression. Jamie and Robert were vibrant souls, illuminating our lives with their infectious energy and unwavering friendship, with their knowledge and their wisdom. I miss them a lot. My small circle of friends formed a tapestry of support and love, with each person contributing to the rich fabric of my life and providing invaluable companionship. Things quickly changed when I did, but that’s another story. And for tonight, it is not worth telling. I ardently championed undiscovered musicians, recognizing their immeasurable talent and fully believing in their ability to conquer the world through the power of their music. Who were we back then, in that remarkable chapter of our lives? That woman from ten years ago seems so distant from who I am now. I was so naive, knowing so little outside my bubble. In fact, I was just taking the first steps to recovery, working on my mental health and getting to know myself.

And look where we are now! And who we are! What an incredible difference a decade makes! I wouldn’t want to go back, I can tell you that. I cherish the present and the amazing individuals in my life. While I wouldn’t wish for the return of certain friendships, I would do anything to have Jamie and Robert with us once more, that’s for sure. My best friend – I cherish our bond immensely and am grateful for his presence in my life. Sometimes, I reflect on how life may have seemed simpler for me personally a decade ago. Nonetheless, I adore my life. Immensely. I am grateful for where I am and who I have become today. I wouldn’t change a thing, as every experience has contributed to shaping the person I am today, with all the beautiful imperfections and valuable lessons learned along the way.

Truthfully, this post was inspired by a musician who once contemplated deleting his entire music history due to self-doubt. I want to emphasize that both Martyn Jackson and Orellana are truly worth your attention if you have an affinity for this kind of music, and I was glad to see them put their music back up. A decade ago, I fervently supported this artist, and my admiration remains unwavering to this day. What can I say? Loyalty has its place, and so does a deep appreciation for talent, music, and life. And now that Martyn has put his music back on Bandcamp, a few steps down memory lane are allowed for sure.

Where were you ten years ago?

###

musing/thoughts – 511 words – reading time: 3 minutes

Posted on

about me

Greetings and salutations,

Hello, and thank you for being here.

My name is Catherine, but you can call me Cathy. I am a poet, a storyteller, and a collector of fleeting moments. I write because I do not know how not to. Words tend to spill out, sometimes uninvited, always looking for a place to land. This blog is where I give them one.

I was born in 1983 in Luxembourg. I live in the space between work and wonder, motherhood and music. When I am not writing, I work in early childhood education, helping small humans explore the world through play. I grow and learn with them, and together we find answers to questions that often matter more than they seem to at first glance. I adore my job.

I am fluent in Luxembourgish, French, and German, but English is the language where my inner world finds its voice most naturally. I write in echoes, in accents, in fragments of what I cannot always say aloud. My poetry is not soft. It is raw, honest, and often tangled with longing. It speaks of silence and survival, of love and loss, of all the things we hold on to and all the ones that slip through our fingers.

I did not grow up writing poems. That part of me came later, although I had written a few before I recognised them for what they were. It felt like finding breath underwater. Since starting this blog in 2012, I have been slowly carving out a space for my voice and letting it grow into its own shape.

Much of what I write is fiction, especially the poetry. But the feelings behind it are real. My writing is shaped by music, by film, by memory and by the need to make sense of the things I do not always know how to say. I write because something inside me needs to be set free. And if you are here, maybe something in you does too.


Where to Find Me

This blog is where most of my words live. But if you want slightly more:

SoundCloud – Spoken poetry and collaborations.

Bandcamp / Discogs – For those curious about the music that shapes me.


My Instagram is private. I post there, but not often.

Some of my words have found their way into books. If you want to hold them in your hands, you can find them here.

Collaborations & Contact

I have worked with musicians and photographers, blending words with sound and image. If you think my writing could be part of something you are creating, feel free to reach out: cathy@boom.lu.

Disclaimer

The words on this blog are mine. If they are not, I will say so.

My stories are fiction, even when they feel true. My poetry is truth, even when it is not mine alone. Any resemblance to people or places is entirely coincidental. No post is aimed at anyone unless clearly stated. The music mentioned or linked here is not mine.

Please do not copy, repost, or republish any content without written permission.

© 2012–2025 micqu.org. All content is original and protected.

Posted on

Half

Let me cut through the noise; no need for complications. I want to embrace simple words, and unleash my creativity without overthinking. No unnecessary fluff. I'll create the way I always have: with passion, relatability, and authenticity. I'll just be. I exist. I breathe. The way I have always done. True to the side of me I'm most at ease sharing with you. I'll pour my essence onto your screens. No pretense, just me.

###

musing – thought – 76 words – reading time: less than 1 minute

Posted on

You’re Still The One is done

Thank you all for reading “You’re Still the One”. This is just one of many stories I wrote between 2012 and 2015.

I am wondering:

  1. Do you want to read other stories like this?
  2. Do you want more music and songs I love?
  3. Do you want more poetry?
  4. Do you want more personal posts?
  5. Do you want more short fiction?

Tell me if you are interested more in one thing or the other. I can’t promise that I will act accordingly, but you have a say in this, that’s for sure.

Again, I thank you for your time and I will continue to post daily – it’s a personal challenge.

The above is an older luxembourgish song by a band called “No Name” and the song’s title is “Matt enger Tréin” (with a tear on your face). I just like this even if it sounds old with the synths. The lyrics are nice too. So yeah, that’s a sample of my native language.

Lots of love from me to you.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🤎🖤🩶🤍🩷

Posted on

Intelligence

is intelligence inherent or is it something one can learn? Can intelligence be taught or is it something that comes natural. Is intelligence an insult or a compliment?

In the last days I’ve been called intelligent several times. Does that mean I was stupid before? Did I hide my intelligence? Did I get more intelligent?

All those questions are asked without taking it all too serious. I am sure there is an answer to it all somewhere, but it might be too scientific and over my head.

I was wondering though, in earnest, if intelligence has to do with age. As one gets older, they experience more, are exposed to more information, and probably (hopefully) learn to differentiate between facts and fiction; truths and lies.

And the more I think about it, I think – and that’s my own personal opinion, I think being curious about life, the world, and everything that happens improves intelligence too. Reading up to find answers to your questions. Searching for information to understand what you don’t understand.

In my case, I mentioned above that I was called intelligent for different reasons: once for mostly reading in English and German with neither being my native language. But, here in Luxembourg, most people grow up with at least three languages, some even with five. It’s normal here to speak and read in several languages. Not everyone is confident, comfortable or fluent in all of them, but the basis knowledge is there anyway.

Secondly, I voiced my opinions about national politics and tax changes that will be set in motion in January. If I share my opinions about politics, I add facts and explain how I came to my conclusions. Politics and religions are topics that always potentially lead to arguments. I often avoid sharing my thoughts and just listen to those conversations, but I am also a grown-up who is affected by what is happening in our country (and in the world too). I can’t always be silent. But, I think before I speak. Not always. Often enough though.

Third time I was called intelligent, I think they misused the word. We were talking about music and I had a lot to say, many facts, many songs I know, stuff like that. For me, that’s nothing to do with intelligence. It’s something I like. If I liked paintings, I would surly know about the painters and their biographies too.

I had a couple of very nice days recently, spending them with people I like and love, laughing until our cheeks hurt. Last night for example, I spent at a Christmas dinner with my ex-co-workers. I was invited spontaneously, and I admit, usually I would have found an excuse to not go, but I liked the team and my bosses. It felt right to go there. And we had a lot of fun. I am glad I went. My best friend put it like this: you are liked. And I felt liked for sure. I mean, they did not have to invite me, but they did. For me, it’s kind of a big deal because I never felt very included anywhere. I don’t have many friends (mainly that’s okay right now). I have many acquaintances, and sometimes I get the feeling they would want to be friends, but I keep them at arm’s length anyway.

Stop! This is not what I wanted to write about when I started this post.

The next three posts will be parts of the story. They are scheduled (like all the other chapters that were posted before and will be posted until January). You’re still the one is the same way I left it in 2015. I should have at least edited the chapters to get rid of cringeworthy grammar and spelling, but I didn’t. It’s the authentic first draft of that story.

Read you soon…

Oh and I would love to hear your thoughts about intelligence. Sound off in the comments!

PS: this is the 100 post in a row… it was a personal goal I wanted to reach, so I am a bit proud that I managed to keep the streak alive.

Posted on

Lazy days

Today is Saturday and I won’t do anything. Think Bruno Mars’s “Lazy Song”. I know, I say that I don’t like Bruno Mars, but I believe that you need to educate yourself in things you dislike. (This post would be written a lot faster if I wouldn’t have to correct every second word because of typos… urgh). Anyway. Bruno Mars… he’s on a level with birds for me. Yes, I have an incredible fear – a phobia really of birds. I read up on them to rationalise or irrationalise my fear, but the smaller the bird, the bigger the fear. And this does not have anything to do with anything. But… lazy song, lazy day.

I woke up later than usual, which is an awesome feeling. During the week I get up at 5am, today I slept until 8.15am. I went to the bathroom and heard voices from downstairs. I was not really concerned and yet, I knew that everyone with male voices in my house was still asleep. I went downstairs and noticed that someone had forgotten to turn off the TV the night before. And that’s how my lazy day started. I sat on the couch and played with my phone while simultaneously watching some thrash TV… Yeah, I like that kind of things to take my mind off everything and anything.

As per usual, I also wrote a morning text to my best friend. And continued doing nothing for 30 minutes. Patrick came downstairs and we had breakfast together. I cleared the table and in his manner, he began doing little things around the house while I got back to the couch and declared that I would not do anything today as I but my feet on the coffee table. I spent 15 minutes finding the right music for the day, then played another game on the phone. (I am maybe too old to play that much, but I have several apps with daily challenges, and again, it keeps my mind off things). I lit two candles and looked around the room. And of course I got up and cleaned the kitchen in depth, put in a load of laundry, swept the floor. Got back to the couch for some mindless scrolling, brought out the trash… and it’s not even noon.

And I noticed, that’s how I do nothing. I put on music, sing along loudly and do chores one by one.

Not doing anything is never an option, although I know it looks like that for my husband or my kids (who, by the way are still in bed… and it is almost noon) because they see me on the couch with my phone. In a couple of moments, I will close my tablet (after having pushed send/publish) and I will make lunch. And this too falls under the category of not doing anything. Because all of what I mentioned is not considered work. I mean, it is. But it isn’t.

And so, I am living my pretend lazy day. And I keep singing. And I keep dancing. And I keep merging stuff on my phone. And I keep in touch with my friends, my people. And I keep myself from overthinking… but at one point everything that keeps my mind off things becomes dull and boring and my mind takes over again.

Something I overthink right now is the blog. It’s December and I have a blog anniversary coming up. 11 years of doing this. 11 years of change and of the same. 11 years. And I keep doing this for me. I like that there are some people interested enough to read my thoughts and my poems and my short stories and all. I really love it. And I love sharing it. Even if it makes me feel vulnerable and fragile sometimes. Even if it makes me feel vain and pretentious some times.

I am not always a nice person, I try to be. But sometimes I seem cold and distant or even uninterested. I am not. I just don’t know how to show that I like people or what they are doing. Like, social media for example. I scroll and read and agree, but I refrain from commenting all that much. Because: who needs my two cents for everything? Why should I comment stuff that does not matter to me personally. My thoughts don’t have any weight in this world. But here, on this blog, they do. Because I trust you. I trust that you know when to stop reading and when to go on. This year, the blog has seen a lot less traffic, and that’s okay for me. I am just sorry to have noticed so many abandoned or deleted blogs. From people who interacted with me as well. I miss their posts and, selfishly, the interaction too.

Yesterday, I also noticed that for the first time in 6 years I have nothing planned to publish for the next year (2024). “Not yet” my person said, and he is right. But right now, I don’t see anything coming up. I’d like to do more with music again. And that photography project is still on my mind too, but I am afraid I am not good enough in either of those things.

Annnywaaay… lazy day. I forgot how to be lazy. I am going to prepare lunch now. Thank you for reading this stream of consciousness. (and it is only a bit passed noon now). I know, my thoughts are never organised, but this is exactly how my mind works. Nothing is embellished or made easier. I think I should apologise for that, then again, I don’t want to apologise for being me. And that’s the essence of what you get on this blog: the most bare and the most authentic version of me. Thank you for everything. xx

https://videopress.com/v/AEy2YGbU?resizeToParent=1&cover=1&autoPlay=0&controls=1&loop=1&muted=0&persistVolume=1&playsinline=1&preloadContent=metadata&sbc&sbpc&sblc&useAverageColor=1
WORD THIEF… the song. All words by me. All photos by me. Music and vocals by Daniel Cavanagh. This video is exclusive on this blog.

Posted on

Just a love letter to my husband

Yes, it is what it is.

I am often aloof. I am withdrawn and hidden in my head. I live in my bubble and don’t share my inner battles. I feel lonely and misunderstood or neglected.

But there is one constant in my life and he has been there since I was 17 (I was 16 when we met and turned 17 six weeks later). My rock, my hero. Patrick.

And you know, there are times when I wish I was single and there are times when I think it is best to call it quits.

But honestly?

I cannot imagine my life without him. I tell him everything. And I mean everything. There are no secrets because whenever something happens, I turn to him. Always. I tell him everything that happens. Sometimes it takes a couple of days or weeks, but in the end, there are no secrets between us.

And it’s the little things that I love most. Like, when he does the groceries (and he often does them) he brings me my favourite chocolates or crisps. Or I absolutely love the fact that we go out weekly, on Wednesday. Okay, our teenagers often push us to leave the house and go for dinner, but if no one is sick and if work isn’t interfering, we have our date night every Wednesday.

Why Wednesday?

It goes back to when we started dating in 2000. I was only allowed to go out on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Of course, when we moved in together and had kids, those date nights stopped, until Amalia was 7 in 2007 and in her class several parents got divorced. The kids decided that we needed alone time to stay in love and that they were old enough to be alone for two hours every week; no babysitter needed. And so, it started. Ollie was 12 by then, Giulia was 9 and Amalia 7. In hindsight, they were young, but they were responsible enough to stay home or else we would not have done it. They could reach us at all times and we were never more than 10 minutes away by car. It stuck, even during COVID-19 lockdown, the kids would make dinner for us… Several times, they also played restaurant. We ordered takeout, but they took our orders, served drinks, guided us to our table… Of course, we would eat together, but it was important for them that we had our night. And even when they were not home… I remember a Wednesday when Giulia and Amalia were with an aunt and Ollie was away with the boyscouts. They demanded photo proof that we got out of the house. We tried to trick them – it was summer and we sent a pic of us having dinner on the patio, but we were scolded afterwards… The rules got stricter… We now need to leave the house and the garden 🙂

Anyway… It’s okay for us. We are the couple that talks animatedly. We laugh and discuss and listen and talk. It’s rarely silent on our table and even though I am attached and addicted to my phone, when we are at dinner, we only take out our phones to show each other something…

I haven’t tired of my husband yet – there are highs and lows, of course there are. But I look at him and I am reminded of the million reasons why I love him.

And the most important reason why I love him is: because he is who he is.

I love Patrick for who he is and for who I am with him. I love everything about him. Well, at least almost. Love also means compromise, LOL

Then again, what’s not to love about a handsome intelligent gentle giant?

Right… It’s been 23 years… (We met in January 2000) We will make it another 23…. and more. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Posted on

November 2008

It was November 21st. The day had been difficult and long, because the day before my mother-in-law passed away. Things went quickly, because on Thursday she passed away, and on Friday we had a ceremony to say goodbye. I cried a lot. I loved my mother-in-law a lot. She had shown me how to be a loving parent, she had never judged me and had accepted me from the start. Back to Friday 21st. Because so much had happened in the last hours, we couldn’t sleep. Patrick sat on the couch with a beer and I sat on my gymnastics ball, bouncing slightly up and down. I was pregnant and my kid was one day passed her due date. That’s right, my mother-in-law passed away the same day my first daughter should have been born. She used to say that she wanted to wait for Giulia, but somehow Giulia needed two more days. If I believed in such things, I would say that my mother-in-law’s spirit went into Giulia and that’s why there is the little gap.

As I was bouncing up and down, we were watching TV. Rambo – First Blood came on and we decided to watch this peaceful film. That was until I felt the first contractions. I took a bath, slept a bit and in the morning hours we called Patrick’s sister to come and be with Ollie for the day. I remember the drive to the hospital quite well. Due to an inheritance, Patrick had had some money to buy a new car. He got the car for his birthday in October. It still had that distinctive new car smell. Enigma had released a new album in 2008 and it was playing on the stereo. Outside it was peaceful. The world was hiding underneath a white blanket of snow. I will spare you any more details but around noon, Giulia was born. I was high as a kite from a painkiller during birth, but as soon as my daughter was born, I was sober and very happy. I remember that I thought for a moment if I was allowed to feel this happy and then my thoughts went to Patrick who had last his mother and now held his daughter in his arms, all within two days. He was distant, but it was understandable.

At the hospital, I had a room for myself. In front of the window was a large tree that was covered in snow and close by was a centre for refugees. They had a snowball fight and it looked like they had a lot of fun.

My thoughts were divided between my new-born and my husband. I couldn’t be there for him. His mother was cremated and he had to be strong for his son and I was not there to support him. He had to go to administrations and all, and I was not there to support him. I apologized to him because it felt as if I was failing him, even though I had just born a beautiful girl with a mop of black hair. She looked like a little doll, all rosy and yes… Beautiful.

The day Ollie met his sister – it was the day she was born, he was sick. I admit, I only remember this because of the pictures, but he also loved her from the start. He was very very proud. He had just started school and now he was a big brother, he was a big boy now.

And now, today, Giulia will be 15 years old. She is a teenager. She has a mind of her own, which makes life often difficult for her. She is very intelligent and clever, something that overwhelmed her teachers sometimes. She has a heart of gold, but she appears to be aloof often too. She is sensitive, a side that she doesn’t like to show. In fact she does not like to show many emotions. Her sense of humour and irony are legendary. And she is still very very beautiful. Her start was a weird one, and it’s true that Patrick needed some time to mourn before he was able to take on the role of a father of two. But when he did, he showered Giulia with love. She was a real daddy’s girl for a long time. Now as a teenager, she likes to keep to herself, she reads or watches Mangas, draws or listens to music.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother-in-law guides Giulia and protects her. It’s a nice and comforting thought.

By the way, we noticed that Rambo First Blood has been on German TV every year around Giulia’s birthday. We have no idea why. (Fun fact: I never saw the end of that film in all those years)

Happy 15th my special girl. I love you.

Posted on

What i love about life

  1. Love: The deep connection and affection we feel for others.
  2. Joy: The pure happiness and delight that brings a smile to our face.
  3. Compassion: The ability to understand and empathize with others’ struggles.
  4. Gratitude: The appreciation for the blessings and abundance in our lives.
  5. Hope: The belief in a brighter future and the potential for positive change.
  6. Forgiveness: The act of letting go and finding peace in our hearts.
  7. Serenity: The calmness and tranquility that brings inner peace.
  8. Wonder: The sense of awe and fascination in the world around us.
  9. Contentment: The satisfaction and acceptance of where we are in life.
  10. Inspiration: The motivation and encouragement to pursue our dreams.
  11. Pride: The sense of accomplishment and achievement in our endeavors.
  12. Trust: The reliance and confidence we have in others.
  13. Excitement: The anticipation and thrill of new experiences and adventures.
  14. Comfort: The sense of security and reassurance in the presence of loved ones.
  15. Solace: The comfort and relief found in difficult times.
  16. Resilience: The strength and ability to bounce back from challenges.
  17. Empathy: The capacity to understand and share the feelings of others.
  18. Nostalgia: The bittersweet longing for past memories and moments.
  19. Affection: The tender gestures and expressions of love towards others.
  20. Satisfaction: The fulfillment and contentment that comes from achieving goals.
  21. Acceptance: The embracing of our true selves and others for who they are.
  22. Peace: The absence of conflict and the harmony within ourselves and with others.
  23. Wonder: The curiosity and fascination that drives our exploration of the world.
  24. Vulnerability: The courage to open ourselves up, allowing deeper connections.
  25. Resonance: The emotional connection and understanding triggered by art or music.
  26. Unity: The sense of belonging and connection with a community or cause.
  27. Determination: The unwavering commitment and persistence in pursuing our passions.
  28. Friendship: The companionship and support we receive from our closest friends.
  29. Relief: The release of tension and worry after a stressful situation subsides.
  30. Growth: The continual personal development and evolution that life offers.
  31. You!