With my memories of you
in my pocket,
I ran out of town
to hide and wait
for life to happen
A thousand other things happened
while I was looking for
you
All I did, was paint the sky
and getting older every day
And every day was one,
I had already lived
So, I took my heart, my courage and every memory of you,
that still filled my chest
and I went on a quest,
to find you
my love
and instead of feeling lost,
I finally found you,
you were always closer than I knew
I found home
“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel.
Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them.
That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”
~Jim Morrison
I like this quote… it’s true and it’s real and it’s what I strive to be for my friends. I have a big heart and you are very welcome to be a part of it. And as my friend, you are also a part of me. It doesn’t matter if I have seen you every day for the last 13 years, or if I only recently met you online… Once I open my heart to let you in, there will be no easy way out. and I will fight for our friendship. I won’t judge and I will always listen, try to understand and give good advice.
This is for old friends and older friends, as well, as for new friends and future friends…
(it’s all about friends 🙂 )
have I ever told you how much I love this song? Even more so, when it’s a really good cover, like this one?!
Her name is Calla, was one of the first postrock bands I liked, though I often wonder if they are really postrock? Are they that easy to be labeled? I don’t think so… It’s music to dream, to float, to suffer, to think, to love, to cry… It’s what music should do to you. It should make you feel… It should speak to your heart and it never should matter if anyone you know loves the same music you like.
So, basically, this band is what I’ve been listening to (more intensely) these last few days. I can’t find a single song I don’t like…
Also very worthy of a good listen, are these:
thief (the first song I ever heard from this band while browsing youtube)
and you know what appears in the sidebar on youtube when you are looking for songs of Her name is Calla? Our ceasing voice! Even the music world is small 🙂
that said, have a wonderful evening… I’m going to dive further into this beautiful haunting music and dream myself away, until it is finally time to go to bed…
take care
Cathy ❤
dedicated to my source of inspiration – thank you
“What would you do, if you knew, today was your last day to live?” he asked.
“I would live” she said.
She stepped outside, to where the trees were shedding their last leaves
every falling leaf, took away another memory
And as her eyes slowly closed;
right under her favorite birch
she heard her favorite funeral song
and for the last time, she saw the face of the man she had always loved
A single tear found a lonely trail down her cheek
He didn’t know what she knew
her broken heart could never be fixed.
She had never told him “I love you”
Later that night,
he found her lifeless body, leaning against her favorite birch
even his most shattering scream, was not able to bring her back
It was the night his heart broke and would never be fixed.
He had never told her “I love you”
He sank to the ground and held her close
a single tear found a trail down his cheek
resolved, that tomorrow would be his last day to live
the words I never say
are the loudest screams
you’ll never hear
The silence around me
is the most roaring sound
you’ll never hear
The thoughts I only think
are the saddest ones
you’ll never hear
the light in your eyes slowly dies
and I know, it’s the last time
I will see you alive.
Your chest stops rising
Your heart stops beating
Your hand stops grabbing mine
I feel tears burning in my eyes,
but they refuse to come out
How am I supposed to go on living
without you by my side?
How am I supposed to bring you back
to me?
I am so angry with you
and with me
I can’t change that you left
without me
I couldn’t prevent fate
taking you away from me
but seeing your lights fade
leaving only the empty shell of a jaded man
to hold on to…
maybe one last kiss
can bring you back
my lips brush yours
but you don’t kiss me back
your lips are cold
your eyes stay closed
arms wrap around my shoulders
and through a haze I hear the words
“you have to let him go, he’s gone”
this was not how we were supposed to end
I will never forget the day you died
now you’re gone
sitting on that plane
you simply said: we’re done
and that our love was just a game
I see the airplane in the sky
you left without one last goodbye
now I’m all alone
looking at the stars above
my cold heart turns into stone
a void is all that’s left of what once felt like love
and there’s an other one:
when I see airplanes in the sky,
I always wonder where they are going
and as I sit on the porch
I see the flickering lights in the night sky
what are you leaving
and will you be back?
what is your story
and where leads your track?
when I see airplanes in the sky,
I always wonder where they are going
and as I sit on the porch,
I know you are on the run
are you looking for freedom,
from me, from life
from what we’ve become?
I know, now you are leaving
you’re never coming back
it’s like you’ve been stealing
my heart – adding another crack
(and now I really need to get my four hours of sleep)
song for the one (written by CT/ micqu)
I wrote this song for you
the one who sees into my soul
the one who soothes my heart with words
the one who shares his passions with me
the one who runs his fingers through my thoughts
the one who makes me certain about who I am and who I want to be
the one who shares my dreams
the one who makes me feel
not walking towards my own grave
but helping me to be brave
take me into your heart (written by CT/ micqu)
it’s cold without you by my side
be my warming blanket
chase the cold from my bones
cover me with your heating skin
take me into your heart
let your scent soothe me and make me moan
let me breathe against your neck
let your fingers slide and explore
take me into your heart
chase the sun with me
waste nights away with me
make me feel you
cover me with your passionate love
take me into your heart
let us become one
let us share our breaths
let us burn together in ecstasy
take me into your heart
see into my soul (written by CT/micqu)
enthrall me with your words
wrap me in your love
change my heart
trace my soul
and see into my soul
put me under your spell
make me breathe your scent
change my soul
trace my soul
and see into my heart
chase the future with me
get lost in lust and passion
change my stars
trace my scars
and I’ll let you into my heart
How to mend a broken heart (written by micqu/ CT)
Listening to your even breath
peaceful as it is
not revealing the tormented soul
underneath
if I could
I would
but tell me, how can I mend
your broken heart?
Your whispers sound like cries
searching for and exit
speaking of unseen hurt and a lost
love
if I could
I would
but tell me, how can I mend
your broken heart?
If I could
I would take your pain away
if I could I would make you mine to stay
through your tears
I recognize you
for years I waited for you
to hold you close
and if I could
I would
and now I know how to mend
your broken heart!
(this will at some point be included in my story for Darragh and Callum)
runaway (written by me micqu/CT)
I’m running away from myself
as fast as I can
but I can never hide
somewhere someone is thinking about you, you said
somewhere someone is dreaming about you, you said
but it doesn’t help
I’m still on the run
and as I fall into oblivion
my own worst enemy chases me down
catching me, she smiles at me through the mirror
I am nothing with you
I am nothing without you
you can’t run away from me
but in the end we all die alone
I have never met you, but I want you (written by CT/micqu)
you left me breathless
you left me restless
I have never met you, but I want to
you are not messing with my head
dusting away the cobwebs instead
I have never met you, but I want to
you kept me longing for summer days
pain and hurt sweeping by in a haze
I have never met you, but I want to
you make me feel like a rose in bloom
like I am the most beautiful one in the room
I have never met you, but I want to
I have never met you, but I want to
soulmate
I have never met you, but I want you
I want to be somebody
because I was always overlooked before
I want to be somebody
so bad – that it makes me scream
I want to feel something
because I feel so hollow
I want to feel something
before my story ends
I want to be somewhere
where I find myself
I want to be somewhere
somewhere safe – to put my memories on a shelf
I want to love someone
who loves me in return
I want to be someone
someone who you can believe in
I want to be madly and passionately in love. I want to be less sad. I want to be an optimist. I want to think less. I want a man who cares about me. I want my writing to be famous (at least the powerful one). I want someone famous to read one of my songs/poems and use them. I want to be seen. I want to stay hidden. I want to be free. I want to be alone. I want to never be alone. I want to turn back time. I want to travel in time. I want to undo situations. I want to redo situations. I want to be young. I want to be old. I want to be beautiful. I want people to take me seriously. I want to be somewhere else. I want to vanish. I want to waste my time. I want to daydream. I want a future. I want to be freed of the past. I want to trust you. I want you to trust me too. I want to laugh with you. I want to make you laugh. I want you to make me laugh. I want to cry. I want to cry with you. I want you to make me cry. I want to be merciful. I want to be special. I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring. I want to be at peace. I want to stay melancholic. I want you to recognize me. I want to be talented. I don’t want to hide. I want to stay compassionate. I want to stay confused and amazed about the world and people. I want to keep contradicting myself. I want to live. I want to be me. I want to know me. I want you to know me. I want to be interested. I want to be interesting. I want to find me. I want to step into the light. I want to stay in my darkness. I want to go out of my mind. I want to stay who I am. I want…
with a few lines of want I revealed myself… I am not complicated at all.
(Sorry that I shouted at you)
I have NEVER been at a concert like this. I am mind-blown. It’s… I can’t find words for all the emotions that are flooding my system.
Okay. The location. It was a bar. plain and simple. a stage was build with Maximilian’s piano and Felix’s guitars at the far end.
we come in twenty minutes before the show was set to start. we sit at a table and I look to my left and there is Felix. what a gorgeous man. he was eating a meal, enjoying a glass of wine. I knew who he was, but I was too shy to talk to him. (later I wasn’t shy anymore… and no, I didn’t drink 🙂 )
the bar fills slowly, very slowly until there are +/- 40 people (later we counted how many we were). 30minutes after schedule, Felix and Maximilian walk through the ‘crowd’ and on to the stage.
from where I sat, I couldn’t see Maximilian, but hearing was enough to touch me. BUT Felix… wow, he really threw me of my chair. he has such a range of voice and he is such a small man. where does he get his voice from? I fell in love today…
the music was perfect. emotional. the location was intimate. the audience was reserved.
mid-concert Felix left the stage for Maximilian to take over himself. he sang one song and another one and at the third he messed up. he stopped playing, stopped singing and since I didn’t see him, I could only hear his heavy breathing. It was as if he was crying. I would have loved to jump up and take him in my arms. tell him that everything was alright. he tried again and again until he finally stumbled through the song.
after that, he got up and read a chapter of his book ‘the rise and fall of Maximilian Hecker’ and you could see tension slip from his body again. he seems so shy and unsure for someone who does this for almost 15years.
Felix rejoins Maxi on stage again. he comes into the bar and he sings, without a microphone, he sings while walking ‘through the crowd’ (past the people sitting, watching and waiting) it was amazing. then he sings a song that was originally meant for Robbie Williams, who didn’t like the song. It was way too complicated for Robbie to sing anyway 😉 . I can tell you that. and it was perfect for Felix.
another 3 songs and it’s already the end. they play 3 encores and after that, Felix leaves the stage to set up a merch stand, Maximilian sings the song he messed up earlier again. he seems to be a perfectionist.
the lights come on and Maximilian runs out of the bar. he runs and doesn’t come back for 15min, while Felix is selling Maxi’s CDs, book, vinyls… it was strange.
We walk up to Felix too, my friend to buy a CD and I to get my ticket signed. (Felix signed with a dedication *swoon*) we talked a little (yes, me and my friend, we were the last ones in line) about languages and music and I asked him if he had a professional vocal training, which he denied. and he asks if I thought that because he sounds like and angel. (yes he does, but he must get that a lot) but it was more the range he has, from deep to very high, almost opera that was inspiring. he laughed shyly and thanked me.
next, we went to Maximilian to get our things signed. I said to him that he played a real good concert even with the slip-ups. he looks me straight in the eye and starts to stammer. what slip-up did you mean? the big one or the smaller ones. I said the big one, the smaller ones we could simply forget. I told him that I didn’t see him from where I sat and that it sounded like he was crying and the moment it left my mouth I cursed myself. but he still talked and I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. it was really awkward. a real foot-in-mouth moment. It reminded me that I better keep my mouth shut when nervous… Did I really just tell Maximilian Hecker, that I think he is a crybaby?! NOOOOOO!! that wasn’t my intention.
my friend made fun of me, that I broke poor Maximilian Hecker. I was joking. wasn’t he? insecurities? where are you tonight? oh- there you are! I missed you! NOT!
at home I started my laptop and went to twitter. I follow him, he follows me too, he follows most of his followers. I send him a DM, apologizing and reassuring him, that it was a very very good gig. 5min later I have a reply: thank you so much for your kind words. love, Maximilian
(loose translation)
now, I can sleep in peace. If he is really that shy and insecure, than I made his day. I am sure of that. he plays a not-so-great concert, with 36 people (we counted them) and I slap him like that. I am a bad person. at least he accepted my apologies. I can’t believe that I said that to him. You sounded like you were crying… please earth, swallow me whole. or turn back time so that I can undo that moment.
I am SORRY Maximilian. (and if you ever come across this post, please let me know… there are many ways to contact me, some of them are listed at the ‘about’ page and the other possibility would be facebook. (provided you still have our messages)
go see those gifted men. they are passionate, they are fun and they know what they do. WOW! 🙂
good night and read you later
reflections of an unquiet mind 