On the Outside

It’s December 29th. The sun is out but it is freezing cold. I am inside. Trapped. Not trapped inside but trapped in my head. Not mentally. But physically. On the morning of Christmas day, I lost my voice. It’s not back yet. Being silent or near silent for 4 days, that’s not like me. A couple of days ago, my ears got infected too. And although I was in a lot of pain during one particular night, there is no pain now. Just stuffed. I hear, but not well. It’s as if my head is filled with cotton. At least this morning my sense of smell is back.

I haven’t listened to any music. It makes me nervous not hearing it right and also if there are other sounds or noises, I cannot distinguish them and it all turns into an uncomfortable blur.

Four weeks ago I had the flu. Apparently,this is a flare-up after the adrenaline of work fell away. Two weeks of Christmas holidays and I have been sick for most of it.

It weighs heavy on me to be put on hold by my own body. And of course it is also a constant source of joy and jokes for my loved ones. They don’t mean any harm. But I think, for once I need to be held instead of being the one who holds.

I feel trapped without my voice. And I feel trapped not really hearing what is going on around me. I know it will get better. Of course it will, but right now, I am in the audience of my own life. Quietly trying to understand what the ones around me are whispering.