in-between pauses

I joined the class late. The appointment earlier had left me scattered, and my body was worn down by spring fatigue. The allergies this year have been relentless… my skin irritated, my breath shallow, my head heavy with pressure. I was not in the mood for music. I was not in the mood to be seen.

But I showed up anyway. Because I usually do. Because staying away feels like surrender, and I am not ready for that.

The sunlight in the room was soft and low. It moved across the screen like it wanted to make something glow, or maybe to hide me. I do not know. I took a photo without thinking. My face resting on my hand, my expression quiet. My eyes look tired. There is something in them I do not like to name. It is not a photo I would normally share. It is too still. Too honest.

The class was slow. We were reviewing basic chord transitions. I had picked them up quickly, quicker than I thought I could. That surprised me. I never believed I had music in me. I had always assumed I would fail at it, that my hands would not find their way. But I started learning in October, and now I understand the basics. It feels easy in ways I did not expect. And that makes me proud, even if I do not quite know how to carry that feeling.

I like the feeling of the strings beneath my fingertips. I like the sound that emerges when something clicks into place. It is a quiet joy. A small, private thing. But on this day, it was buried under exhaustion. I watched the others catch up while my mind drifted somewhere else.

I wanted to be part of it. I also wanted to disappear. I wanted to play, but not be heard. I sat there caught between doing and withdrawing, between connection and retreat.

That is what I mean by in-between.

It is not a moment. It is a state. The quiet tension of staying still while something inside you keeps moving. Not quite here, not quite gone. Not struggling, but not free either.

This is where I live lately. Not because I chose it. Not because I am lost. Simply because it is where I landed.

This photo holds that truth better than any explanation could.