Dear diary 5

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary,

How weird is it that I always start the same way? I could be more creative. But I am not.

It was a quiet day. The usual. Work. Home. Wondering what life is all about. Seeing all the chores but being unable to tackle them. TV in the background for some company. I ignored by my brother’s phone call. I know I am weird. I complain about being lonely and alone, but when someone wants to connect, I push them away with all my might. I love Kev. But he only knows half of me and after a day of masking at work, I cannot mask in my social life anymore. I lack the energy. I simply let his call go to voice mail. Maybe he thinks I am on a date or out for dinner with the girls.

There are no girls, but he doesn’t know that.

Sometimes I wonder if people see or smell on my skin that I used to be happier, that I used to be married. Do they smell the failure? I don’t want to think about it.

These last days I am in a funk. I am going down memory lane too often to ignore that it doesn’t do me any good. There aren’t too many happy memories and there are too many things I would change if I could make it all over.

No one ever tells you how it is, being a woman my age without children and without a man. I get the occasional sneer when I out my social status, but nothing much. It’s different for Kev. He is a man and he has a fiancée and two kids. No work though. Which must be hard too.

I need to go grocery shopping. It takes energy to do that. I should prepare myself a nice dinner and lunch for tomorrow at work. Maybe a bath would be nice. And a meditation before sleep.

Yes, I should try that.

ADD:

I made lunch, but ate a half pack of crisps for dinner. The bath was great. Very relaxing. I got to release some tension too. My fingers still know where to touch to make it good. I am tired and can’t find my headphones. I am just adding this as a reminder to eat healthier. I should buy healthier snacks.

Whenever I think about healthier eating habits, I also wonder why I should put in the effort to look nicer and thinner. Then A very small voice whispers: do it for yourself.

Perks of living on my own? No one cares about wet towels on the hardwood floors, no one cares about air drying my less than perfect body. It’s a little bit of freedom.

But where are my headphones?