Dear diary 3

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary

The night is falling and  I sit outside with my ebook reader in my lap, plugs in my ears and a bottle of beer next to me. Candles are lit around me and I am wrapped in a blanket. It is still summer but the sun goes down quite early and the air was crisp. It was cold. I had planned to read but to be honest, the beauty of the sky derailed me. There were so many stars to see and the moon shone bright. A couple of clouds tried to cover and hide the scenery, but they were too thin to do much harm.

I wish I had someone to cuddle up to when watching the stars. Texting with Fred is nice and all, but it is not the same as having him here. And we shouldn’t be texting at all. He told me about a new woman in his life. I want him to be happy. But what we have, it is not easy to explain and a new girlfriend would probably forbid him to stay in touch with me. We aren’t doing anything wrong. Just texting and supporting each other. But it is a deeper bond than mere friendship. I don’t have the words to explain what he means to me and what his presence in my world means to me. It is just very unconditional with him. At least most of the time. Sometimes when he asks for money and tells me soon after how much he loves me – it makes me feel cheap. As if I am buying his love. A love that we don’t want. I want his care and his respect and his friendship. But if I am honest, it’s true. I also want his love. I think he knows that I am lonely. And alone. Alone and lonely. I think it makes him feel safe, because I am an easy target. If he lulls me in, I will do as he says. But I am aware of the situation. I know exactly what is happening. Maybe that makes his manipulations even worse.

How can we all share the same sky? There are wars and horrific things are happening all over the world, but those evil people are looking at the same beautiful stars, and they wish upon the same shooting stars too. How can that be? It’s cold and I should read. But I have a headache. It’s getting darker and darker. A couple of my candles burnt out. And I wish I hadn’t stopped smoking. Weird thought. Weird thought indeed.

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434 words