Dear diary 2

From the diary of a fictitious woman

Dear diary,

Today, I went down a rabbit hole on Instagram. It was a rabbit hole of people talking about their ADHD. And I was propelled back to the time when someone first mentioned that I could suffer from it as well.

It was mid 2020 when I met Melvin online. There was an instant connection through mutual interests. He was a lot like me in many things, but he was also diagnosed with ADHD. While we chatted back and forth he planted the seed that I could have it too. Fast forward to October 2020. We met for the first and last time. The connection we had online was there in real life too. It was very nice. It wasn’t love. It was something different. It was understanding, respect, curiosity, and lust too. We spent a great weekend together. I was quite weird, in hindsight. But I couldn’t change it. After that weekend, we only spoke a couple of times briefly and then he blocked me. Maybe I was too much for him. I don’t know.

When I connect with someone, I become needy. He was the last person I connected with like that. After Melvin, there was no one. No one new. Fred was and will always be there. But he is Fred. And nothing else.

So yeah, I got tested. I got diagnosed and then everything went downhill. My self-confidence plummeted and nothing was ever the same again.

I had dinner tonight. Real dinner. Cooked and all. And I even cleaned all the dishes and pans afterwards. I didn’t leave anything out to soak until next week. On the other hand, I had to run my laundry a second time because I left a batch in the machine. For two days. It happens. It shouldn’t. I wasn’t raised that way. But it does.

My lunch for tomorrow is prepared. I am done for the day. I am sitting in my bed under my blanket while I am writing this. I will probably watch a film again. Or find a show to watch that has more than two seasons. I cannot read tonight because of a torrid headache. Maybe I deserve that one. Who knows?

I don’t know. I don’t know much. Weird that I thought about Mel when I watched those IG vids. I wonder how he is doing. Then again, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Maybe just a little bit.

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Part 2 of probably 27. People mentioned in this part are inspired by real people.

I am waiting for the sun to go down to go on a walk. It’s a super blue moon tonight. (Full moon) One of 4 in a row apparently. Thank you for keeping up with me 💜