Dear diary

From the fictitious diary of a young woman

Dear diary,

Today, I have spent my day sleeping, reading and watching TV. I did not go outside. I did not breathe in any fresh air. I love these nothing-days, and yet, they make me feel guilty. We know that I don’t have any reason to feel guilty. I am alone and I don’t need to answer to anyone. But I was raised differently. Seeing the laundry that needs to be folded or ironed, eating like a teenager, those things are not what is expected of a grown woman.

I felt lonely today and there is not much I can do about it. I tried to get in touch with Fred. But he has his own issues. Mostly money again. I am not willing to support him financially anymore. We are not a couple anymore. And I think getting in touch with him when I am lonely is like muscle memory – turning to the one I know. A comfortable move. Rationally I know that it is stupid. That I am stupid. But the mind is not rational, we both know that.

It’s Sunday night and I should prepare my overnight oats for tomorrow and maybe a salad for lunch for work tomorrow. But as so often these last times, I lack the energy and the motivation. I have to do it anyway or I will eat a bunch of unhealthy stuff again.

During a nap, I had that dream again. Of me being married and pregnant. I wonder what this means. I don’t have any intentions of ever marrying. And there is no man in my life who would be possible marriage material. And a kid? I can barely take care of myself, having a kid of my own would be the worst idea. But maybe I would be less lonely?

I’ll go make my lunch. And watch an old film. I like old films. Their pace is different. Their stories are different.

I really need to find a hobby or something. Sleeping the hours away when I am not at work cannot be healthy. But what do I know?!

What do I know indeed?!

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I have been playing with the idea for a while. The diary style writing. Obviously, this is not about me, but maybe there will be hints of me here or there. I want to make this a personal challenge. If I can write an entry every day until work starts again mid-september, it would be a success. We’ll see how it will go.