Midlife-Crisis

I often wonder if it is a thing: midlife crisis. and if it is, why and how does it happen?

For me personally, it is an issue right now. My kids are all teenagers now. They are independent – something I really insisted on in my education. I wanted them to be independent and to be able to rely on their own set of skills. They can cook and clean and do their laundry, they know how to make appointments and how to write official emails – they were taught those things by their dad or by me. and I am proud of them, very very proud, when I see that they know all those things.

But

Last week 4 of us went on a trip abroad. My son didn’t want to come – he is 19, so in theory it is okay. And yet… For me, it felt as if I was abandoning him.

My oldest daughter (15) caught a cold while we were on our trip and needed (demanded) a lot of time alone. She often stayed in our house and read or played or whatever teenagers her age do (watching mangas, mostly). It left us with our youngest daughter (13). She was the only one who seemed to enjoy spending time with her parents. I felt neglected and at the same time, I understood my kids quite well.

It’s a hard period for me. I spent all my life caring for people, first my mom, then my kids. And now they seem to not need me anymore.

I am not sure how to navigate this new situation – this new chapter in our lives. I am still young, but right now – I feel so very old and expendable.

Add to that that I have trouble with my current age, I put on weight (I am obese and at an all-time high), my hair is getting greyer every day… When did I become this old?! I mean, it was just yesterday that I turned 32 and all of a sudden, I am 41?! And my job… I am a teacher, but am I serious enough, grown-up enough to assume that position? One thing is for sure: I am not going to leave that job for now. Another thing that is for sure is that I love my husband. I am not sure about him. He seems ambivalent most times; but I look at him, or hug him, or inhale the scent of him – and I just know that I want to grow old(er) with him. And I hope that he feels the same way too. He is interesting, intelligent, funny, handsome – and he smells great. He knows how to cook and how to clean, he can also be grumpy sometimes – who isn’t, really?! But I love him. Everything about him. ❤️

Tomorrow, school will start again… I am looking forward to it – but I am not looking forward to getting up early.

More sleep, I need more sleep – that said, all I need to add is this: good night

PS : it feels like an eternity ago that one of the kids slept with me in my bed for this or that reason… They are almost grown-ups. And me, I am not…