And then it happened. Every day routines set in. Getting up at night and changing diapers. Feeding bottles and cleaning regurgitated milk away. Cheering when the little one started to sit and being in awe when she ate her first spoon of solid food. I realized that I would never be Noel’s number one. That spot was taken. At first, I didn’t know how to handle that epiphany, but over time I understood that Noel has enough love in his heart for the both of us. I wanted this. I wanted us to be a family and I tried to do as much parenting as Noel did. He still had his moments when he didn’t like to let Ava out of his eyes and when he thought that he knew everything better, but the moments were fewer now. I was allowed to dive into parenthood. Full force. And I loved every moment of it. Well not every moment. I mean diapers and regurgitation?
Behind Noel’s back, I began planning our commitment ceremony. I didn’t want it to be a big thing, but I wanted to make it a day to remember. The day when we were going to get our certificate was already set and no surprise for my soon-to-be husband. The fact that I had invited our friends and my parents was news to him.
“Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to go behind my back for this?” Noel yelled and turned away from me when he found out.
“Because I want my friends and family to be part of this.” I tried to say it as softly as I could, but I was defending myself. I touched his shoulder, but he shrugged my arm off.
“Yes. Your friends. Your family. Did it ever occur to you that I am alone in this?” He faced me and with every “your” he said, he stabbed his finger in my chest. Be the truth was, I hadn’t thought about it this way. Not until he told me. I felt like an ass, but I was not ready to back down.
“Then invite some friends.”
“Who? Your brother will sit on your side. Gus and Ritchie and Scott will do too. There is no one to sit on my side of the aisle.” I heard his voice crack and saw the tears in his eyes. I wanted to hold him and pull him against me again. Kiss and make it better, but he still resisted.
“Then we don’t make them pick sides.” I held him tighter and he stopped struggling.
“Why can’t we just sign that paper and forget about the rest?” he mumbled against my neck
“Because we deserve to have a big celebration.”
“I already had a big celebration with Dawson and look what it did for us.”
“Maybe you weren’t meant to be with your first husband. But you are meant to be with me.” I hated it when he mentioned his ex and yet, I couldn’t stop him from saying the name out loud. I was jealous.
“You’re such a smartass. You have an answer for everything.”
“I try to.” I smirked. With one finger I lifted his chin and touched my lips to his. “It’s because I love you and because I know that you know that I need my family around me for this” I kissed him again.
“Fair enough. I should get a dress for Ava.”
And that was how this little fight ended. I hadn’t been yelling and screaming and throwing things, but it made me think nonetheless. I wanted to make Noel happy. I knew that I nice celebration would be making him happy, even if he didn’t see it just yet.
****
It was two weeks later, when I tied my bowtie with shaky fingers and a smirking Cameron in my back. My dad stood on the balcony smoking. From the smell of it, it wasn’t anything legal. I was glad he did it outside.
“I can’t believe that you two didn’t even wait three months to get married. Why the rush?” Cam asked for the hundredth time. He was right, there was no rush, but I loved Noel and I knew I wanted to stay with him forever and longer. I sighed and turned to him. My bowtie was still not tied.
“Can you help me?”
“No one can help you, kiddo.” I glared at him. I was in my thirties, taller and broader than him, not to mention better looking too, and he still called me kiddo. With a smirk my brother helped me get dressed properly. He looked me up and down and before I even knew what was happening, I was in his arms.
“I love you Cody. And I love the man you became.” That outburst was unexpected, but far from unwelcome. I loved my brother too. He had done so much for me. I felt tears in my eyes. I never cried, but I was overly emotional right then. My father came in and with him, he brought a cloud of smoke. I hated that sweet smell and I hoped it wouldn’t set in my tuxedo.
“Boys.” He tipped his temple with two fingers and left.
Cameron burst out laughing.
“Dad’s totally baked.”
“Awesome.” I said without meaning it and rolled my eyes. I looked at my watch again. I was ready, but I was early. I wished for a cup of coffee, but in my nervous state, I couldn’t be sure to not soil my white dress shirt. Maybe I could drink it with a straw?
I needed Noel. He always knew how to calm me down. Noel. My soon-to-be husband. Technically we were already married, because we had signed the paper earlier, but since I had insisted on a real celebration, I had to wait some more until I could see my husband and his beautiful daughter again. It was funny. I was more nervous now, to say our vows in front of our friends and my family, than I had been that morning when the official act had happened. Cam chuckled.
“You’re sweating like a pig.” I wanted to say something witty in return, but I might have forgotten to pack it when I left the house.
reflections of an unquiet mind 