As much as I wanted to say that Ritchie was wrong to send me home, I knew he was right, when I saw Ava’s relieved face once she felt the floor underneath her back. Maybe it was time to search for a babysitter. I felt guilty about having her crammed up against me almost all day long. Another thing that I seemed to be failing at. Friends, lovers, my daughter. I changed into my workout shorts and didn’t even bother with a shirt or shoes. I began my usual workout routine, the one that I had missed that morning because of Cody and I tried to stop myself from thinking too much. I didn’t work. The blank space that I usually achieved after a couple of repetitions didn’t appear. A dominant thought in my mind was about Cody and Gus and the question if they had been lovers. Was Cody positive too? Would he tell me the way Gus told me? The more I thought, the more those thoughts ran in a circle and I became angry. My moves came in faster succession and I huffed and puffed louder than I normally did.
Ava must have picked up on the mood because she became cranky too. I finished my set and finally took my little Princess in my arms to cuddle. I was all sweaty, but she didn’t complain. Instead she put her head against my shoulder and listened. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I knew it was time to get her ready for the night and so I sat up with her and told her in earnest: “You are going to bed now. Papa will have a stiff drink and will follow soon too.” She drooled. I took it as an act of consent. Following our evening routine, I changed her in her pajamas and fed her her dinner in our rocking chair. She looked at me with her big blue eyes and in that moment, I forgot everything else. The love and trust that shone through her eyes was unconditional and not complicated at all. I was able to give her what she needed and what she wanted and that’s why she loved me. Maybe adult love could be this easy too? But it never was. Because in an adult relationship, two fully grown people with expectations and flaws meet and those differences need to complement one another to make it work. While my thoughts were drifting all over the place, Ava had finished her bottle and fell asleep. I put her in her bed, but not without kissing her head first. My little Princess Ava. I loved her so much.
I was ready to take a shower and wash the day off of me, when there was a knock at my door.
I opened and was only mildly surprised to see Cody. He froze and let his eyes wander from my eyes to my feet and up again. He smiled with appreciation and I felt naked. I was almost naked after all. Cody held up a brown paper bag and pushed passed me.
“Did you forget our date?” he stepped into the kitchen and started emptying the bag on the counter. Bewildered I closed the door and look for something to say, but there were no words left in my head. I shook my head and said the first thing that came to my mind: “What are you doing here?”
“I’m making us dinner.” He said with such casualness that I questioned my memories of this morning. He had asked me on a date and I had said yes, but he hadn’t said when. Maybe it wasn’t important anyway. And yet, it was. The talk with Cody was still heavy in my thoughts.
“Mind if I take a shower?” I asked as if I wasn’t in my own home.
“Ten minutes. I don’t want to be alone in your apartment. I’d feel like an intruder.” Cody chuckled and I left. I think I have never showered and dressed as fast as that day. I didn’t want to leave him alone for too long either. It made me feel like a bad host. With my hair still damp and my feet still naked, I went back to the kitchen. Cody was leaning against the counter. A bottle of white wine and two glasses were waiting to be emptied. I was sure that I couldn’t keep the suspicion off my face, but I decided to play along.
“What are we making?” Cody smiled. It was a bright smile that had the power to illuminate the room.
“You’re not making me leave?” I shook my head and took a glass of wine. “Pasta with chicken and broccoli.” I scrunched up my nose. Pasta and chicken was okay, but broccoli? I was one of those who avoided that vegetable as much as possible.
“Believe me, I make a mean broccoli. You have to try it at least.” And I agreed. I chose music, something relax and unobtrusive and let Cody manage the kitchen. He swayed his hips to the music of Syd Matters and a happy feeling spread inside of me. Maybe it was the wine, or maybe I was just too tired to fight my feelings. Cody looked up at me and smiled. He seemed relaxed too. It was nice. We didn’t talk about anything deep or meaningful, but the shallow conversation helped dissipate the awkwardness that had settled between us.
I watched as Cody took the boiled broccoli and put it in a frying pan with lots of garlic and salt. He added almonds and a little black pepper. The way he moved, I knew that this wasn’t the first time he made dinner from scratch. I loved to watch him and to catch those occasional smiles. They made my heart beat faster no matter how much I tried to deny it.
We sat at the table and ate and I had to admit that Cody’s broccoli really was delicious. He raised a victorious fist when I muttered the words. It made me laugh out loud. I poked around in the rest of the pasta on my plate and then I finally asked the question that I wanted and needed an honest answer to.
“How did you meet Gus?” Cody drew out a long breath and put his cutlery on his plate.
“Long story or short?” he asked crossing his arms over his chest, but unfolding them again and putting them on the table. I noticed that he was uncomfortable.
“He told me. So I’d prefer the truth.” Cody nodded and took a sip of his wine. He seemed to be stalling, or was he considering his words?
“Okay. So,” he cleared his throat and I nodded for him to go on. “We met at a party. It was not your typical party though. An ex had invited. I was nice with flirting and alcohol and all. Fun. Until he asked for silence. He explained that everyone at the party had slept with him one time or another and that now all had to get tested, because surprise, he was positive.” Cody looked angry remembering that night and I couldn’t blame it. “I was so scared and went the next day to have a test. Gus was there too. It was an awkward silence, but somehow we began talking, because we both were nervous and needed the distraction.” Cody smiled ruefully. I felt my hands become sweaty but I didn’t want to interrupt him. Was this the moment when he told me that he was positive?
“We became friends and met daily. I was with him when he got his final results.” He shook his head. “I felt guilty and as if I was betraying him, because my results were negative. I was there with Gus when he fell apart and when he saw the doctor, I was with him too. I listened to everything when he zoned out. I took care of him the first weeks. He moved in with me and… there is a very deep bond between us. I was with him when he told his family and saw them cast him out. I was with him when he told his friends and I caught him when they pushed him away. I am no Samaritan, but I helped him through a difficult time. We worked things out together. I can’t see him get hurt and I don’t want you to get hurt. Gus is my best friend, you know?” I nodded, but in all honesty, I didn’t know. I didn’t have a best friend. My heart broke a little for Gus and his situation, but I was also proud of Cody.
“You’re a good man.” I said it with a lot of affection and meant it too. He shrugged and looked away. The mood was heavier again, but a lot had been cleared up. I saw Cody with different eyes now. All those pictures I had seen of him and Gus on Facebook made more sense now.
“Do you love him? Have you ever…?” Cody cut my words off with a decided shake of his head.
“I like Gus. I really do, but not in a romantic way and we have never fucked.” Satisfied with the answer, I began to clear the table. Cody helped me in silence. When we were done, we both didn’t know what to say and what to do.
“Maybe I should leave now.” I was disappointed. At least a little. Time had flown and apart from the talk about Gus, the night had been fun.
“Or you could stay and we could watch a movie?” I offered, but Cody shook his head.
“Not a good idea.”
“Why?”
“Because I really want to kiss you right now and I am afraid that it’s too soon.” Cody grabbed his jacket but I stopped his hand.
“Try!” I had no idea why my throat felt this dry all of a sudden, but it was hard to talk. Hard to breathe too. The thought of letting him leave without a kiss – I didn’t like it at all.
Cody released the grip on his jacket and it fell to the floor. My hand was still on his arm. It was electrifying. The anticipation was making my heart race. Cody wet his lips with his tongue and moved closer. I saw the predatory gleam in his eyes and met him. I could taste his breath, that’s how close we stood. I touched his lips with mine. They still tasted of wine and garlic. He kissed me back, licking my lips with the tip of his tongue. I shivered. Cody put his arms around my waist. I let my tongue tease his and then we were kissing passionately. Like starved men. I felt my knees tremble and I laughed into the kiss.
“What?” he asked, his lips still pressed against mine.
“I missed you.” But I didn’t want to talk anymore. I pulled him to the couch. All I wanted to do was kiss. And that’s what we did. We kissed and breathed each other’s air. Nothing more happened between us that night. And I don’t regret it.
reflections of an unquiet mind 