“No?” I asked, or rather, I croaked. He just nodded and took a step toward me. I danced around him to put some distance between us. I didn’t want to give in this easily. “Nuh-uh!” I wriggled my finger at him. “It doesn’t work that way. Talk or leave.” I lifted Ava from her blanket in my arms and used her as a sort of shield. Cody looked at the floor and shook his head with a frown.
“It is not place to say it. I can’t talk about Gus like that. He’s is a great guy. No doubt about that, but you should think about Ava too.” Now that was a change of tune I hadn’t expected and it made the entire thing about Gus even more mysterious. It didn’t answer any questions. If anything, it added a ton-load of new ones. I needed to talk to Gus to find out what he was hiding. Then again, he wasn’t hiding anything, it was Cody who hinted at things that weren’t said.
“You are right.” I chuckled humorlessly. “On both accounts. It’s better for you to leave now. If you stay, I am not sure if being friends again is such a good idea.” Cody shook his head but didn’t say a word. He put on his boots and I observed his every move. His feet that slipped in the leather shoes, his long slender fingers that tied the laces. I remembered those fingers well and how they had explored my body. There was not an inch that hadn’t been touched by those fingers. When Cody was done, he stayed seated on the couch with his elbows on his knees. He shook his head and looked up at me again.
“I don’t know what happened to me. This is not me. You know me. I haven’t changed into an asshole. I am still the same. Believe me. I am. I am… I am just overwhelmed by the power you still have over me.”
“You make me sound like a wizard.” I wanted to lift the mood, but once again, the only thing that left my mouth was an inappropriate interjection.
“For years I tried to forget you when all I did was replace you with other guys. No one was like you were and now you are here and I am here and you are not the same man anymore. I don’t know why I thought that the moment we would see each other again, we would fall head over heels for each other and live happily ever after.” Cody looked anywhere but at me.
“You were always a romantic” I told him. I was teasing him and this time, he smiled too.
“We aren’t that different. I mean” I took a deep breath and contemplated if I should really say it or not, but on the exhale, I continued “I had the same hope or wish or idea – whatever. But the truth is, many years have passed. Just, I mean… look at us. You are certainly not a boy anymore. With all the tattoos and the shorter hair and the broader shoulders. You should be a model.” I felt my cheeks heat. It was all true but the thing about being a model? Yeah, that totally slipped past the filter and I felt like being sixteen again. Not for the first time since we had met again, I was grateful to have grown that beard. It was really good at hiding those damned blushes.
“Talk for yourself hunky bearded version of the Noel I knew.” Cody smirked. Ava didn’t miss a beat and stroked my beard as if she had understood what Cody had said. I laughed out loud. The mood was changing between us. I couldn’t say why, but the heaviness was fading. Maybe it was because something very important had been said out loud: we both had ideas of how a meeting would between us would be. None of those hopes or wishes were fulfilled and it was frustrating, yet reassuring. I suddenly understood, that time hadn’t stopped. Not for me and not for Cody either.
“Noel?” I looked up in his green eyes. They sparkled but at the same time they showed a vulnerability I hadn’t seen in Cody since the day he had been outed at school. I had been such an ass back then. I should have been there for him, instead, I had ignored him out of fear to be outed too. It had taken me weeks to step out with him hand in hand.
“Yes Cody?” I said in a deep voice that made us both grin again.
“I need to go to work now, but can I ask you out on a date. And Ava too, of course?” He fidgeted with his fingers. It was adorable.
There was no other answer to that question than a firm “Yes.”
reflections of an unquiet mind 