My night had been restless. Between trying to hear if Ava was okay, I also kept an ear pointed in Cody’s direction. I had nodded off for an hour or so before I decided that I had wasted enough time in bed. When I looked inside Ava’s room, I was surprised to see that she was awake, but instead of crying, she played with her toes and sucked contently on her fist. I took her up and was rewarded with a bright toothless smile. I kissed her head and sat down in the rocking chair with her on my lap. I told her that we had a visitor and that she had to be nice this morning because he would likely have a headache. She looked at me as if she understood every single word I was saying, and maybe she was.
We went to the bathroom where we took a shower together. From day one I took Ava to the shower with me and she enjoyed it. There were no tears and no screams when the water hit her head. I washed myself first. I always did that and I always used baby soap too. I didn’t want the lather to hurt her eyes if it accidentally splashed on her. When I was done rinsing my head and making grimaces and silly noises at her, it was her turn. I always marveled at the feeling of her soft skin. I tickled her and played with her for a little while longer before I turned off the water. Her towel and bathrobe were on the heater and cozy and ready for her. I slung a towel around my waist with one hand and a few acrobatics, and took her to her bedroom, where I put some body lotion on Ava and got her dressed. I had gotten used to air dry and it was more important for her to be warm and dressed than it was for me. Once she was ready, I took her to my bedroom, put her in the middle of the bed and got dressed, without leaving her out of sight for longer than absolutely necessary. By the time I was ready, she was restless and it was time for her breakfast. I had avoided going to the living room for as long as possible. I wasn’t sure what to find and I wasn’t too fond of having another fight with Cody. I hadn’t liked the way he had proclaimed that I was his and that Gus was too. His behavior from last night merited a long talk.
I didn’t show any consideration to the fact that a drunk was snoring on my couch. I did my usual routine with Ava. If anything I might have shut the cupboards with more force than usual. Halfway through Ava’s bottle, Cody woke up. He groaned and stretched his arms above his head. Then he winced and gingerly touched his forehead. I watched him from afar, as he took in his surroundings. He looked lost. Ava burped and Cody’s head shot up in our direction. He winced again.
“Slept well?” I asked wandering over to him and pushed the painkillers closer. He groaned and swallowed them dry.
“I was an ass last night. I’m sorry.”
“Do you even know why you’re apologizing?” I wanted to know. If he didn’t remember, I would gladly talk him through it all again.
“I turned up here and was drunk?”
“And…”
“… and you don’t like drunks.”
“What about Gus?” I knew I was poking a wound there, and maybe I was in a sadistic mood.
“Shit.” Cody ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry. You can go out with whomever you want to go out. It’s not my place to say anything. And Gus, there is nothing between him and me. He’s just my best friend.” I saw that he was lying, but I couldn’t see through it.
“You said that he’s yours and that I am too.”
“Can we not do this now? My head’s about to explode.” Cody pleaded and rubbed his face. I smirked. It suited him right for losing control like that.
“Should have thought about that before you came here and made a scene in the middle of the fricking night. You should have thought about that before you declared your undying love to me.” Okay, I added the word undying, I admit it. Ava didn’t like that my voice had risen and started crying. Her lower lip quivered and then the wail and the tears followed suit. I rocked her back and forth, kissing her head and whispering soothing words and noises to her. It helped. I kissed her cheek and glared at Cody as if he was to blame for my crying baby.
“All I know is, Cody that you don’t know me and I don’t know you. We aren’t kids anymore. We could give a friendship a shot, but honestly, I don’t know if I want that after your stunt this night.”
“Don’t you have any feelings left for me?” Cody’s voice sounded fragile all of a sudden.
“That’s not the point.” I sat down next to him on the couch. Ava kept her eyes on him.
“Then what is?” Cody faced me and played with Ava’s naked toes.
“I have a child. I have responsibilities and you don’t even know what that word means.” I sighed.
“Do you know what I do for a living?”
“Judging from your Facebook profile; partying.” I huffed.
“I work at a center for homeless LGBT kids.” I raised an eyebrow. I hadn’t known. “My entire days turns around kids that aren’t accepted by their families and have no place to be. We feed them, help them with homework and give them a perspective. We help them go to college and all that stuff. Some of them remind me of you. You know? The way we talked when you came out to your parents and all that. It’s part of why I am who I am. You were always a part of my life. I missed you too much and that’s why I stopped writing and calling. I knew that you were having your own life and you didn’t need me anymore. Which was good. But now you are back and all those old feelings are back with you. And I don’t want to hide them. I want to explore them and I want to get to know the man Noel Baker became.” Cody took a deep breath and kept staring at me. He also kept touching Ava. It was as if she was our connection. I felt that his words were true, but I was too weary to accept them. I still doubted him because of Gus. If he threw a fit when I had a good time with a man and we weren’t even a couple, how possessive and jealous would he become once we were? This man really didn’t have anything to do with the Cody I had left behind.
“I don’t know if I can do that,” I whispered and got up. I put Ava on her blanket, where she played with her hands and feet and practiced to turn from back to tummy and the other way around.
“It’s nice to think that I inspired you to work at that place and I believe that your job is very important but look, Cody, we can’t base anything on old feelings. I said it before. We were children and we aren’t anymore.”
“Haven’t you been listening? I want to get to know you. Again.” He stood and swayed. The hangover must have been killing him.
“I don’t want and I don’t need someone who thinks that I am his possession. We aren’t even a couple and…”
“Is this about Gus?”
“No. Well, yes. Maybe.”
“Do you want him to fuck you?”
“It’s none of your business, okay.”
“He doesn’t do relationships and you are not suited for casual hookups.” Cody’s voice was ice cold now. I sat down on the couch and rubbed my face. At least Ava seemed to have fun.
“Tell me, Cody. What happened between you and that guy and why are you like this?”
“Nothing.” He mumbled and I knew he was lying.
“This doesn’t get us anywhere. Maybe it’s better for us if you leave right now.” I stood again and crossed my arms over my chest. Cody stood too.
“No.,” he said and I knew that he meant it. A part of me did a happy dance because he was this persistent. The other part was deeply annoyed that he did whatever he wanted without respecting my needs. I groaned in frustration. Cody smirked. The old Cody smirk that had always made my knees weak.
reflections of an unquiet mind 