you’re still the one 5/19

“I… you… she…” Cody pointed at me and at Ava and looked helplessly over to his older brother.

“I think you covered that quite brightly kiddo.” Cameron teased. “It’s good to see that you remember Noel.” It was as if he was doing introductions without doing them. Cody looked back at me and I saw it. The patented Cody smile.

“Man it’s good to see you.” Cody closed the distance between us and hugged me. Maybe I only imagined it, but I thought he was inhaling my scent. I closed my eyes and let it happen. The touch I had missed so much. I released a shaky breath when he let go of me. The other man cleared his throat and Cody looked at him as if he was and alien.

“Oh right. Gus, this is Noel and his…”

“That’s Ava. She’s my daughter.” I clarified.

“Well hello there Princess Ava. Don’t you just look like your dad? Without the facial hair.” Cody spoke to her again and she grabbed his finger to suck on it.

“I think she’s having her first tooth soon. She likes to chew and suck on things.” Cody looked at his finger in Ava’s mouth and then leaned closer to me.

“I remember that you liked to suck on things too.”

Once again, the beard came in handy, because I felt my cheeks heat.

“I’m just messing with you.” Cody smirked. “So where is your partner? When can we meet him?”

“I… um… divorced… actually” I croaked and put as much distance between us as I could.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Although the words were appropriate for the situation, I saw the glint in his eyes. I knew Cody enough to know that he wasn’t sorry at all. “This is just Gus.” Cody moved over to the stranger and put an arm around his shoulder. Just Gus. I knew that they were never only Just What’sHisName with Cody and since I had seen this guy’s face before, I felt jealous and I wanted to leave as fast as humanly possible. This was the exact moment, when I wished for a Teleporter.

Five grown men and a little baby stood in a living room in silent. The tension between us was thick and I was contemplating what to do. Ava cuddled closed to me and put her head on my chest. Moments later, I felt and heard her rhythmic breathing. I kissed her hair and decided that it was either time to go home or to sit down.

“Scott, could you give me the diaper bag? I should get going.” I cut into the silence. Cody shook his head in disapproval, but didn’t say anything.

“Stay.” Cameron said. “You were invited for brunch and all you had so far was coffee. We are such bad hosts.”

“We should stay too” Cody turned to just Gus, who looked less than thrilled.

“I can’t, babe. I have to go to work soon.” Gus whispered.

“Oh yeah. I forgot. Let me bring you to the door.” Cody turned around, leaving Gus to say really awkward goodbyes. Cody hadn’t changed much. And the way he had just brushed off just Gus made me disapprove and chuckle at the same time.

“Sit!” Cameron ordered and I did.

“Please tell me that this wasn’t planned and that this wasn’t a trap. Meeting Cody this way?” I fixed Cameron’s gazed, waiting for an explanation.

“Gosh, no. I swear, this wasn’t planned at all. Do you really think I would plan for such an uncomfortable situation?” I shook my head. I knew that he was right, but I had needed it hear it from him.

“So, you’re an interior designer.” Cody came back to the living room and sat next to me on the floor. I made my heart race a little, that he would seek this close contact. He looked me straight in the eyes. They were so green. Had they always been that green? Weren’t they greyer when we were younger?

“Okay, so you two can catch up, while Scott and I get busy in the kitchen. Behave, guys!” Cameron said with a wink and took Scott’s hand to pull him to the kitchen.

“I’m working at Ritchie’s café now. Is Gus your boyfriend?” I don’t even know why I asked, but the words just fell out of my mouth as if I had no filter.

“Gus? Are you serious?” Cody chuckled as if I had said the most ridiculous thing ever. “No. No Gus and I… no. We’re just friends. Everyone needs friends, Noel.”

“I know I could use some right now.” Again I said something out loud that wasn’t supposed to come out.

“You lonely? Lost?” Cody still got me. He still knew me. Still understood what I meant to say when I didn’t get the words out.

“Yeah. Yes, it feels like that.” I sighed and rubbed my forehead.

“You’re home now, Noel. You are where you belong. We still love you. You know?” My Lord, all the intentions I read into those words. Everything I wanted those words to mean. And his voice being so manly and still soft, gentle. It did all sorts of things to me. He sat next to me on the couch, facing me. His knee touched my thigh.

“We should meet sometime. Without those two dickheads in the kitchen.” As if on cue, Scott could be heard laughing and I smiled.

“Yeah. No. That would be great.” Cody leaned in closer and raised his hand to touch my beard.

“This looks very sexy on you.” Oh my… Oh my… I couldn’t breathe. Was he about to kiss me? That would be amazing and petrifying. And too fast. Way too fast.

“Okay boys, we need to order take out or go out. Scott almost burned down the kitchen just now.” Cameron burst into the living room. I laughed out loud and Cody lowered his head, shook it ever so slightly and chuckled too.

We ordered pizza and talked about college, about Dawson, about Ava. I talked a lot. With Cameron and Scott. While Cody sat there and listened. He looked really interested and I wanted to know about him too, but maybe that was for a time when we were alone.

Thunder and lightning made me say hasty goodbyes. I was there on foot. I didn’t own a car and I was sure that I would be soaking wet by the time I was back at the apartment. It was time for me to leave.

“I could drive you. I have the truck and all.” Cody offered. I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t have a seat for Ava and although it wasn’t that far, it was against the law and dangerous to not have her in an appropriate seat. “It will be fine. I am a good driver.” He finally persuaded me. I hugged Cameron and Scott goodbye. With them I felt home. As if I was back with my family. I had missed them more than I had known.

Cody was right, he was a good driver. The rain was pouring down hard now and his wipers did their best to keep the window clean. We drove in silence. I didn’t know what to say, but I was too aware of his presence. Of his smell. Of Cody – plain and simple.

“You take her up, I bring the stroller.” Cody laid out his plan and I agreed. I ran through the rain, shielding Ava as much as I could from it. She wasn’t a happy Princess right then and cried. Poor baby, it was cold and the thunder was scaring her. I took her inside and left the door ajar for Cody. I slipped out of my wet jacket and took Ava out of her hat and jacket too, before I began to gently rock her back and forth. It soothed her. I kissed her head and rubbed her little back.

“This is one heck of a visual, Noel.” I hadn’t noticed Cody coming in. He had taken long, that was probably because he had no idea how to unfold the stroller in his trunk. He closed the distance between us and put his hands on my shoulders to stop me from moving.

“I am really glad that you are back and I am sorry that I didn’t get in touch with you. I was scared to see that you were in love or married or the complete opposite. But you are still Noel. Grown-up and an absolute hunk of a man, but still Noel. Do you think we can be friends again?” I gulped. In this moment, after having seen him in person for the first time in over a decade, I was sure that I wanted more than being just friends. But I didn’t want to rush it. I needed to figure those thoughts out first. Cody kissed my cheek and ran a hand through my hair. He brush a finger over Ava’s cheek and whispered something in her ear that I didn’t catch and then he left, closing the door behind him gently. I moved to the window to see him get in his truck.

“That man, Ava, was my first love. They say first love never dies. I wonder if they are right. I think they are. What do you say?”