As predicted, Ava woke up twice at night. It was okay. It wasn’t as if I had slept. I had been happy to see Scott earlier, but now I wondered if he had told Cameron that I was back and that I was working at Ritchie’s. And if Cameron knew, I was sure Cody would know too. Why hadn’t Cody sent me a message? I had written that I would come home. Why wasn’t he interested in me anymore? I pushed that last thought away again. I had already come to terms with the fact that I didn’t know the man Cody had become and I was just as much a stranger to him as he was to me.
I sat with little Ava in our rocking chair. While her eyes dropped close, I was wide awake now. A fear spread inside of me, that I was the biggest loser of our class. I worked as a waiter. Was a single parent. Was I white-trash? I laughed out loud. Ava stirred in my arms and I knew that I had better put her in her bed again. I pulled her bedroom door close and sat on the windowsill in the living room. It was dark outside. The street lights cast orange glows on the pavement. There were no people and no cars. It was very different from the big city that I had left. I wanted to talk to Dawson or one of my old friends, but I didn’t dare making the call. Insecurity was my middle name. I didn’t want them to see that I wasn’t as happy as I should be to be back home. I didn’t want them to see that I was lonely right now. But I was. My phone buzzed. I looked at the clock, it was 5.30 in the morning. Who the heck was awake at this time of the day?
I heard that you are back in town. Scott told me. Ritchie told me too. I’d like to meet. You’ve been gone for a long time, but you are still a part of our family. And I heard that you have and addition to the family that I would like to meet. I know that it’s your day off today so I will be expecting you for brunch. This is not an invitation that can be declined. J No really, please come over today Scott and I would be delighted to see you again. xoxo Cameron
I smiled. How many times had Cameron told me that his invitations were mandatory? Always said with a smile and a wink, but I never doubted the truth in those words. I should have known that Ritchie would gossip about me. In a way, it made things easier. I didn’t have to worry about a chance encounter anymore. I had a couple of hours to calm my racing heart. I went back to bed and even got another hour of sleep – or two before Princess Ava woke up. We had our breakfast and I laid her down on a blanket on the floor. I started my morning workout next to her. For a moment, I didn’t look at her and when I did, I stopped mind-crunch. Ava had turned herself around for the first time. I had put her down on the back and now she lay on her stomach, sucking on her fist and throwing me a very indignant look. It was as if she wanted to ask why I had put her on her stomach.
I took her in my arms and danced around sing “Ava turned over” again and again. She giggled and it made me smile too. I hugged her tight and put her on the blanket again. This time I didn’t look away. My eyes were glued on her little body. And sure enough, with a lot of panting and a couple of tries, she turned around again. In a high pitched voice, I cheered her on. I was so proud. Those are little milestones that make parents proud and happy. All the exercising had made Ava hungry and tired. So I fed her another bottle and put her in her bed. She had her eyes open when I left the room, but she wasn’t complaining.
I used her naptime to take a shower and get ready for our visit with Cameron and Scott. I dressed in black, just like I always did recently. I combed my hair back and put some styling product in, put on my usual cologne and waited for Ava to wake up, which she did as if we had timed it. We followed the usual routine. Changing her diapers, playing for a bit and then getting her dressing in a cute little pink dress. We packed her bag with a set of changing clothes for her and for me and the usual other things. (Formula, bottles, diapers, baby wipes, toys… you get the drift)
I put Ava in her stroller and we made our way over to Cameron’s house. The day was nice. I hoped it would stay that way. Ava babbled the entire way and sucked at her fist. The amount of drool a baby can produce is still a mystery to me. There must have been a leak somewhere inside of her. With these absurd thoughts, I kept myself distracted. My feet knew the way to Cameron’s house on their own as if I had never been away.
The house itself had changed quite a bit. It had a new color and a larger porch, but I knew that I was at the right house. I took a deep breath and looked around. There was no sign of Cody’s truck and I exhaled. I don’t know why I was this nervous, but I was. The thought that Cody probably had another car by now hadn’t even occurred to me.
I was ready to ring the bell when the door flew open. Cameron looked shocked for a moment, but then he smiled.
“Noel?” I nodded. “Wow, you have changed.” It was an allusion to the beard again. No doubt about that. When I had moved, I had been a child without any facial hair and without muscles to speak of. Now I was a man who took care of his eating habits, worked out regularly and hated shaving.
For an awkward moment, we stood on the doorstep scrutinizing each other. Cameron had changed even less than Scott. It was reassuring. He shook his head and moved aside. “I’m sorry. I’ve been rude. Come in. Come in.” With the diaper bag slung over my shoulder and Ava tightly in my arms, I walked into the house that I had called home for a couple of months when I was young.
reflections of an unquiet mind 