Nothing new

I notice things about me… many things. Some are unimportant, some are quirky, some are nice and some are dreadful. These last years have been a journey. Long and filled with pain. It was not only physical pain, but also emotional pain. And I hid. I hid behind masks all the time. Because I never learnt how to talk about how I feel, apart from the shallow things. I often hid my physical pain too, because who is willing to hear about it after two or three or even four years? On this blog, I kept complaining, until I worried about that too. It made me go silent. Silence is something that scares me. Silence is never easy.

I think, I noticed some change in myself. I don’t have more than 2 friends. All the others are acquaintances. I admit, I don’t keep up too much with people. I am not one for gossip and I am not one for small-talk. It makes me lonely some times. But most times, it is okay. It has to be. Because I am at fault too.

Since 2021, I had 4 different jobs (5 actually). It’s very embarrassing to admit. But I also think that those jobs and the opportunities shaped the woman I am now. Early 2021, I worked at a nursery. After shoulder surgery, I was not allowed to go back and I had to find another job. And I did, right away. I found a job at a centre for pregnant teens and moms (14-18 years old). I loved that job and even the shifts were great. But, I did not like the team and the work ethic of some people, and I didn’t want to stay there. I found a job (right away) in supervised visitations. I supervised parents who were not allowed (by family court) to see their kids alone. I had to write reports for trials and all that. This job was nice too. The team was awesome and very professional. I had a work phone, laptop and even business cards. But the job was very hard and sometimes it was too close to what I experienced as a kid. I couldn’t do it. And I had to be honest with myself. From there, I went back to the firm where the nursery was. One night I chatted with my former boss and asked if she had a position for me, and she did. Again, without any break, I changed jobs. And I felt like coming home. The job was completely different, but the site and the boss was the same. I loved it. And yet, working with kids 7-12 was not what I wanted to do. I could have stayed there. I had many privileges and it was close to home. I could have done it, but it was boring and honestly, the lack of organisational skills from the team was unnerving. On a whim, I applied for a teaching job. (Fridays, the positions became available, Tuesdays the applications with many official documents had to be submitted. One long week later, I had a call. (For the application, I had to mention the schools I was willing to apply to.) On the phone, I was told that there was no position available for me in the schools I chose, but that same morning, someone quit and I was offered their position. 75%, permanent contract with the government. I said yes. On the spot. And that’s how I am on my 5th job in 2 years.

I loved all of those jobs and I could have settled for all of them too. But I think my journey led me here. I am teaching a class of very young kids (3/4 year olds) with one immediate colleague. So far, it is very nice. I am much more tired (I have to get up at 5 every morning). But for now, I am also very happy about this change.

I drink a lot less alcohol, and only had one cigarette since mid-july. Weirdly, I also noticed that I am in less pain right now. And that’s a nice feeling.

I am listening to more music again and watching a lot of awful TV – right now, I am watching the old episodes of Dynasty. Some seasons are older than me. Such a cheesy show. I try writing daily, but I don’t always succeed… and I am simply a bit content. Just a little bit. For now.

I haven’t sold any books recently, it’s a bit sad, to be honest – but maybe all the people interested already bought their copies.

What else? I am going to be an aunt again. Weirdly, I know when women are pregnant before they reveal it to the world. It’s not a magical gift. It’s simply due to observing people and noticing changes. Funnily enough, I am always right.

You know what I hate? Most every paragraph started with “I”. Maybe I am too selfish. I’d hate it to be true, but maybe it is. Who knows?!